Warning, this is long. I lost my virginity at 28 last year and I will have to explain WHY it took so long. Back in high school, I was pretty awkward. That covers the teen years. Then I turned 20 and my father chose to poison himself, thus ending his life. This put me in a nearly catatonic state until I was 23, requiring mental treatment. So there went those 3 years of dating, who in their right mind would try dating when suffering a breakdown like that?
At 24 I got a shitty job that barely allowed me to pay the bills. I couldn't even quit until I was 26. My boss was a major ass who KNEW all I'd been through and used my desperation for money to keep me unable to advance, and he'd even deliberately give me degrading jobs. Bye-bye mid 20s.
At 26, I returned to school and graduated juust after turning 28. Now, I had no desire to date barely legal teens while in my late 20s. Even if there were any teens into me, would it really be a good way to "farm experience" by dating an 18 year old? So, that was 27-28.
Now for the past my GF hates: At 28, I got a real person job and moved out. Got laid for the first time shortly after, only to have her be so disappointed that she left the next day. I’m not bad looking and I work out so it wasn’t hard to start. This happened 11 more times (where I meet a woman and she leaves after one night because the sex was so bad). Until I met THIS woman, who didn't seem to be dissatisfied.
TLDR; She asked about my past and I was honest. But now she's repulsed by the year of "women ghosting after one time" cycle I had going on, as if I had a choice. I couldn't control whether or not these women left me, and I also had no other reliable way of getting experience. Is there a way to explain this to my current GF?
23 comments
I guess I feel like there must be something more to her feelings than repulsion that you got unceremoniously dumped.
Sounds like it’s her problem, not yours.
I guess I’m confused one the whole year of being 28 part. Were they just hook up or were you genuinely trying to have relationships with these 11-12 women you slept with in a year?
What exactly has she said about this, in her own words?
explain it to her like you did here
Um, did you sleep with all these people after one date? That might be a red flag to me, too.
But honestly… my advice would be to research the clitoris, be GENTLE!!!, and communicate with your partner during sex.
Communication can be sexy:
Oh, you like that?
Beg for it.
I want to hear you moan if you want me to keep going.
I would’ve kept that 1 year to myself tbh but okay.. it is what it is. There is a way to do this and it’s being honest, but there is a way to do it.
Sit down with her, hold her hand and tell her.. you think she is great and want to try this with her. And tell her, you were honest as you didn’t want to hide anything with her and mention that was simply to try and be good as deep down you thought no woman in her late 20s may believe a guy is still a virgin and not that great due to it.
Tell her it’s what you want and what you want is a partner, someone to love, share moments and be there for, lay it all out and put it on her side.. like you know if she doesn’t want to be with you, that’s fine but you rather have a honest relationship than hide things and not be open with someone you want to be it.
Do not start the convo with “I was doing one night stands…” and put yourself like some diseased animal on heat. Play this smart, you ain’t a bad guy. You should like a good man who life plays a different side, nothing you can do about it, but you made the most of it and you are trying to be the best you can. You are a good man
Hmmm. Funny thing, being a virgin doesn’t mean you’ll automatically be terrible in bed, just as having sex with lots of women will not make you good in bed. If women are ghosting you because you are a terrible lay, sleeping with more women is not going to make you a better lay. You need to *change* what you are doing. It’s an intellectual skill, not a physical skill.
In my experience men who are good in bed are men who are aware and invested in their partners pleasure. Their partner’s pleasure enhances their pleasure. They ask what feels good and listen to feed back. They don’t just jump into vaginal sex. They use their mouths and fingers as much or more than their penis.
You have really been through a lot and are strong to have survived all of that. It’s very harsh of your girlfriend to judge you for being ghosted after one night stands. You were trying to build relationships with these women and weren’t out to use them for sex. It would be a different story if you told her you used them for a night to gain experience and then ghosted them but that clearly wasn’t the case at all. It must have been very difficult for you to experience rejection in those situations. You can’t control that.
One of my guy friends (now in his mid 30s) has had some similar experiences and it really takes a toll emotionally. Also, don’t blame yourself and assume the sex was bad with those women. Some people are just out to hook up, they take what they want and leave. It’s not a nice thing to do to someone and it’s often not about the quality of the experience.
Hopefully your girlfriend can see what you’ve been through and have some more empathy. Nobody chooses to be ghosted and it says more about the selfishness of the person ghosting than it ever does about you.
Have you had sex with your current gf? Does she have problems with your performance? Hardly seems like it matters otherwise.
But, uh, you should probably see a therapist if you aren’t already.
There’s no shame in being a late bloomer, but when within a year you have a string of dates that all end the same way, well the common denominator is you. One or two women who leave after sleeping with you, coincidence. Twelve in a row over the course of a year? Yeah I get why she’d be concerned.
And in your defense, you didn’t get to make your mistakes when you were young, and people can change, even within a year. But her wondering what you were doing that turned them all off so quickly, and so recently, yeah that’s reasonable.
I could understand being turned off by the way you frame it. “How else was I supposed to get experience?” You had 18 year olds into you that you didn’t take advantage of to “farm experience,” which is a pretty weird framing. Most women would be turned off by an adult bragging about how teen girls were into him, and proudly stating you didn’t take advantage of them. Like, good for you, but why are you highlighting how you didn’t take advantage of them unprompted?
I don’t think it’s your past so much as the way you’re framing it that is giving her pause.
I think you’re right that you can’t control how she feels, or what she thinks.
My only observation is that the way some of this is written sounds like objectification of the women you slept with, to see them more as experience and leveling up, than as people you cared for. And I’m not saying you didn’t care for them, just the way you’re talking about it.
I can tell you want a relationship, and the value of a relationship is caring for someone and being cared for by them. Experience is much less important, and it’s not a prerequisite for good sex or good anything. You can have good sex just by being caring and thoughtful. A person who rejects you for lack of experience is probably not someone who you would want to be in a relationship with.
I would urge you to not stress too much on experience part and just focus on making a connection based on kindness and caring.
…. she’s disgusted that you got ghosted? Did she say that?
Because that’s pretty much something no one can control.
Or is she wondering what she’s missing if 12 women left you and she didn’t?
I’m confused as was you trying to just get Experiance in that year of when you qualified and got a job? Or are you looking for a relationship?
Is she repulsed by how many women you slept with and they was one night stands? Or the fact they left because you was bad in bed? I’m confused by this.
This is the thing about relationships first convo. You shouldn’t want to know someone’s past relationships or who you slept with or how many ect. It doesn’t matter. You met each other and that’s that. You don’t get with some based on past. You get with them because of who they are. I always tell my friends don’t tell lads your past. It’s nothing to do with them or the relationship.
Why would you tell her that! Never bring up past sex lives, especially if its bad
How can you be good at something, you never been taught begote?
I think the biggest issue is that you found 11 women you were trying to date in a year – it comes across as kind of desperate.
I mean, did you try to improve your skills after being repeatedly ghosted? Also it’s a bad look to say you’re so terrible in bed that 11 women immediately ghosted you. You could’ve framed that better. Like you wanted something deeper but these women only wanted a hook up.
You need a girlfriend that is capable of performing critical thought. You are clearly someone of moral character who didn’t try to take advantage of people just to get laid/gain experience. You waited for an organic opportunity and it’s beyond your control whether you’ve had previous relationships and it doesn’t make you an undesirable person either. I suggest you find someone more mature where they don’t make your lack of experience a big deal because it’s really not.
You don’t. You let the unthinking trash take itself out.
Did you try communicating with your partners? Being good at sex doesn’t just *happen*.
> This happened 11 more times (where I meet a woman and she leaves after one night because the sex was so bad).
No it didn’t.
You need therapy not a relationship.
Bad stuff has happened in your life, but it doesn’t absolve you of responsibility. Take back control of your life and own your decisions, otherwise you’re going to have a bad time and relationships are going to be a struggle.