My last relationship ended 1.5 year ago and for the last 12 months I've been trying to date again. I'm in my early 30s and I'm a fairly social person. I'm introverted but I enjoy meeting new people and I'm not anxious in other social situations.
However, dating gives me truly unbearable anxiety and I don't understand why. I use mostly dating apps and swiping and chatting is fine but as soon as I agree to meet someone for a date the anxiety kicks in. I become extremely stressed and my brain immediately switches into "fight or flight mode". Just the idea that I will meet the person IRL makes me sick to my stomach, even if the date is days away. I'm panicking, I completely lose my apetite and I want to puke, I can't sleep properly. I become snappy and irritable with friend and family. I'm sometimes even visibly shaking and I can't stop it.
I don't understand what's going on and how to stop it. I know I "fear" something but I don't know what. I'm 100% sure I'm not afraid that the date won't like me, or that it will be a fail…there's some other sense of "danger" I can't pinpoint. I want a partner but the feeling is so terrible that I can't go on dating like this. It also causes issues to me at work (I can't concentrate on basic tasks, I forget important things) and it kind of makes me life a living hell. When I take a break from dating I immediately start feeling calm again and all the issues disappear.
I've had relationships in the past with no issues, my latest lasted for 6 years and I had both long and short-term relationships before that. So I don't think I have a phobia of having a partner or something. I already had these feelings when I was dating 7-8 years ago before my last relationship, but they were much weaker. I also normally deal well with stress in other situations, I meet a lot of people at work almost every day and have no issue with that. It's really just dating causing this.
The guys I meet for dates are generally nice and interesting people and I usually have a good time during the date itself. The anxiety is the same before 2nd, 3rd date etc. so it's there even when I know the person already and know they're nice. In the end it always makes me so overwhelmed that I have to stop seeing the person to regulate my nervous system. I feel like it's destroying my chances to find a partner but I can't help it.
Does anyone have experience with something similar? What helped you?
I tried therapy for a few months but it didn't help. The therapist advised me to keep going on more and more dates to become desensitized to the fear but I tried for a year and nothing changed. If anything, it became gradually worse.
TDLR: I’m social and fine in most situations, but dating triggers extreme anxiety—nausea, insomnia, shaking—even with people I like. It happens before every date, never in other parts of life, and forces me to quit dating to feel normal. Therapy and exposure haven’t helped, and it’s getting worse.