This has been the pattern for the past 10 years or so, and at this point I feel desperate, helpless and scared to date anyone at all. It's like I just lack the capacity to fall in love.
I list a few ideas about possible underlying causes down below. I can't seem to see what needs to be fixed to get out of this though, so any advice and tough love is appreciated.
It happens every single time. I meet someone nice. We go out a few times. It's nice. They show interest. There's no infatuation or much of a spark on my part, but I'm curious, and they are nice, and there's no obvious reasons to say no, and I don't want to be a dick and reject them just off some vague feelings, so I go with it.
Before I know it, they get attached to me and I'm already doing the boyfriend things, but it just doesn't feel like I'm alive. There might be moments of chemistry, but overall it feels more like I'm just going through the motions, almost as if out of some weird obligation to care for them rather than genuine, inspired love.
Over time I grow to realize I've just never been that into them. The signs have been there at the beginning and I shouldn't have led them on. But how do you say that? And how do you stop that from happening in the first place?
A few notes.
I've been in therapy, on and off, for almost 10 years now and gone through several therapists. It did help me in many other areas but not this one.
I suspect I might have cPTSD and deep attachment issues. My childhood has been quite lonely and unhappy. I didn't have a father. My mother was emotionally immature, rather controlling and manipulative. The little love I saw then was very unhealthy and twisted. I've barely gotten to be a child and grow much of an identity, my main job was to keep her happy. I was shamed and guilt-tripped a lot and likely developed a disorganized attachment.
I think I've only been in love once, with my first girlfriend. And even that is debatable, as I was fresh out of the toxic family environment, had no idea about my issues (that was before therapy) and could have just gotten intoxicated by the whole first thing. Either way, it must've been very complicated and frustrating to date me; she probably didn't want to hurt me and didn't know any better, so she ended up falling in love with someone else and went behind my back. I don't blame her anymore, but it must've messed with my attachment and trust even further, on top of my pre-existing wounds.
The only people I tend to fall for all somehow turn out to be taken or otherwise unavailable. I guess it's safe – at least compared to the always unpredictably dangerous, suffocating and painful closeness I've experienced as a child.
There's been people I went friends to lovers with, and every single time that happened it's like something switched in me that moment and I just didn't want it anymore, or it wasn't enough, or something else pulled me away. And they all confirmed as much themselves.
I've observed a number of unhealthy (often narcissistic) tendencies and tactics in my thoughts and behavior. People pleasing. Limerence. Applying my idealized romantic fantasies onto my partners and inevitably getting disappointed because it's never a perfect fit. Avoiding commitment but acting in a committed way. Using people to fulfill my unmet needs.
That being said, I do have some self-awareness and empathy. Wouldn't have come here otherwise. I've done a lot of work on myself in these 10 years, learned to be much more authentic and honest with myself and others, fixed a lot of minor issues and toxic patterns. But this overarching pattern is still there.
I just… want to want. Something, someone. I don't want to lead people on and to scrutinize every single person I meet until I'm disappointed. I want to genuinely care about someone, to be truly invested in a relationship. I want to stop living in my fantasies and learn to appreciate the real people who already are there for me and seem to be able to love me for who I am no problem. I want to be so sure about my feelings about someone there's just no room for doubt, to get off the damn fence and not regret it.