I can’t stop thinking about it. I tried to let it go. We had a small argument where we got a little snippy, which we never do. She snaps at me and I usually de-escalate pretty well, but this time I snapped at her too. It felt like the first time in the relationship I actually stuck up for myself. And then she explodes and yells “fuck you”.
She couldn’t apologize without making excuses or putting the blame on me. She dodged accountability and didn’t care how it made me feel. She tried to turn people against me and say that I was being shitty to her when I went home feeling extremely hurt. We made up and I apologized too but it still doesn’t feel right.
I feel awful and still want to cry. I’m a grown man but I can’t help feeling this was just so unacceptable. I feel like I want to break up with her. But I’m worried if I do she will explode again and turn everyone against me. God I hate this.
I know I am sensitive but I would never say that to someone I love. What should I do?
21 comments
If her goto is to involve others to “take her side” or to gang up on you, there is much more to her than you probably see or know… unfortunately, I would suggest ending it, and run from that, as it will only get worse
This is not the last time she’d do that to you. From the sound of it, it seems you let her walk all over you. You need to set clear boundaries and let her know what are unacceptable.
erm. i’m gonna be honest as a man. as u said you deescalate fairly well. with women you really just have to let them get angry. you can’t really fight back with them otherwise you won’t win and they’ll just get meaner. some women are good communicators when angry, some are bad. you will run into it. if it’s that bad to you end things end things. but unfortunately this will happen at least once in all of your relationships most likely. if any of my ex’s got mad at me i kind of let them ramble, and say i’m sorry.
Some people think they can just say whatever they are thinking even if they don’t mean it and that the other person should just forgive them. I’m far too sensitive for that style of communication, and wouldn’t be able to date someone who did this.
If it feels unacceptable then it is. Don’t take less than what you deserve king.
I don’t want to cast judgement on you or her bc I don’t know yall and I don’t know what yall fought about. I will say as someone who felt hurt even after “making up” after a fight, I held onto the feeling and the friendship didn’t last long after that. If the feelings you have are not truly resolved, I don’t think it bodes well for your relationship. Also not wanting to break up with someone because you’re afraid it makes them mad is setting you up to be trapped in an abusive situation, I recommend you seek out your own support system ASAP to help you through this.
Run.
Yea had similar situation with my bf recently too. Unacceptable behavior to me. Mature adults don’t yell obscenities to each other, I don’t deal with shitty behavior like this.
If you love someone you don’t say mean things to hurt them.
She either had no respect for u or is completely immature. Maybe both.
You get to decide what you’re willing to accept from a romantic partner, and the way she treated you and then tried to blame you isn’t normal. If this is a fairly new relationship, then it sounds like this is the first time she’s showed you who she really is. It might be more excusable if she was highly stressed and apologized profusely after, but that wasn’t the case. It doesn’t sound like she even thinks she did anything wrong. It might be something to discuss when you’re both calm that you’re not willing to have disagreements turn abusive, but I imagine she’ll just get angry again. Ultimately you get to decide if the relationship is meeting your needs or not.
Narcissism 101
If you don’t learn to put boundaries around yourself the world will walk on you. Take it from someone who’s not done just that.
Happened to me last year… same exact situation. I put my foot down and kicked her to the curb. Stop worrying about what “people” might think. They arnt your people if they’re so easily swayed against you.
Lots of people say ‘fuck you’ or raise their voice to their loved ones and aren’t abusive.
This is up for you to decide, completely. You guys were already arguing, and tensions were already raised, you said you ‘stood up for yourself’, but we don’t know what was said.
If we were in a fight, and neither of us had the good sense to take a breather and come back, “fuck you” would just be a cue to me that we obviously, seriously, need a breather. It’s not something I would ever hold against someone. They were immaturely expressing their frustration. If they called me names it might be different— but my hard lines are people who are remotely conflict avoidant. I would rather be yelled at than have someone conflict avoidant.
But YOU get to decide what is ok for you. If you already feel yourself tip toeing around her, this is a good cue that this is a hard line for you. You’re allowed to not accept yelling, or that phrase. Breaking up is TOTALLY, totally acceptable. Don’t feel like you have to talk yourself out of it. If it’s happened once, it will likely happen again (probably not often), so consider if that’s something you’re ok with.
Leave her if it feels that wrong because it’ll only get worse man. I know from experience. Save yourself the heartache.
You stood up for yourself, and that matters. No one—no matter how emotional things get—should respond to that with cruelty and blame-shifting. If she can’t take accountability and shows no care for how deeply it hurt you, that’s not love, it’s control. You don’t owe anyone your silence just to avoid their anger. You deserve calm, kindness, and someone who says “I’m sorry” without a “but”
As someone who had a girlfriend who would curse him out in fights all of the time – it’s time to leave. She will not stop doing this.
My ex constantly verbally abused me in arguments. She ended a phone call once with, “fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.” When we would make up she’d cry and say she shouldn’t talk to me that way and I’d say it was no big deal. She’d promise to change. She didn’t.
I wasn’t wonderful in that relationship. But I didn’t do that. And from what you’re saying, your girlfriend is treating you even worse.
It’s time to leave her. You don’t deserve to be talked to like that. When you fight with your partner it should be like you love each other, not like you hate each other. This is indicative of the latter if anything at all.
I’m sorry OP.
She doesn’t sound like a good person imo. There shouldn’t be any name calling or disrespect in a relationship and she’s clearly doing both of those. I’ve been in relationships that sound pretty similar to this and it doesn’t get better. I promise there are people that will treat you kindly and respect you out there
I just wrote this in another thread. Relationships sometimes bring out the worst in us. Couples fight. Sometimes they say mean things. It’s up to you if you want to accept her apology, talk more about it, or even in the extreme case break up.
Look at your relationship as a whole.
Sometimes people apologize before they’re really ready to. You could see if she wants to clarify/revisit things after some time and space.
I’m not defending her here when I say this. please don’t take it as such.
I can be an intense person. I come from a blue-collar family outside Boston and “fuck you” is literally in my daily lexicon. I wouldn’t think twice about using it. I’ve said it to my partner countless times, in circumstances ranging from playful jokes to actual arguments. I even say it sometimes to mean, “I love you.” I guess what I’m trying to say is that even if she was pissed at you, she may somebody like me where “fuck you” is said daily and she didn’t think about how hurtful that could sound to someone that may not be used to that kind of language. I can attest that it’s hard for me to moderate myself sometimes in places I shouldn’t be cursing, especially in situations where I’m stressed or upset.
That said, the thing with trying to get everyone to take her side of the matter is petty, juvenile stuff in my opinion. Having friends or family to confide in about your relationship is important, but I also think it’s important that a couple not air their “dirty laundry” for the whole world to see. Seek guidance and support from others, but if your partner is trying to make you look bad to make themselves look better to other people, time to let them go.
This is a pretty one-sided accounting of everything she did wrong. How do you think she would describe what went down, and what you did wrong? You say that she refused to take accountability, but you don’t seem to be taking accountability for your side of things either.
You can break up with someone for any reason. You don’t need to justify it. If her behavior during fights is unacceptable to you, then don’t accept it. Just make sure you take the opportunity to think critically about your own behavior, because if you don’t, that’s how you find yourself repeating the same patterns.