I don’t know where to start. i’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, but i’ve known him a while back before we dated. The first time i ever asked him if he watched porn was out of curiosity since in my last relationship my ex had a porn addiction and i thought to just bring up the question.. and when i did it was through text and the first thing he said was no..the next day he comes over and confessed he did and i instantly broke down in tears (this was around 4-3 months ago) i couldn’t be next to him or even let him touch me because of how disgusted i was knowing that he knew what i went through with my last relationship. i know you’re going to ask me why i haven’t left but people who get attached easily and hard it’s hard to leave a relationship that you really gave it your all. anyways passing those few months i ended up forgiving him and gave him my trust again. i would ask him daily if he still watched it and somehow i took his no truthfully. today i went to his work and wanted to surprise him which i did. i wanted to check his phone to see something not anything bad but just check it because i wanted to find something. he gave me his phone and car keys and i went to his car and i didn’t look through his phone, but i went to safari to search something and thats where i found it all. i don’t know if im allowed to publish the photo i took of his phone with all the tabs of the porn but my heart sank, my hands started shaking and i saw everything. everything he looked up was the opposite of me. everything felt like it was a lie, i wanted to slap the shit out of him if i could but i didn’t, i wanted to cry so bad when i saw it but i just couldn’t. i went out the car and gave him his stuff back and gave him his phone while having the safari tabs open. and he instantly saw my face and knew what i saw. i left his job and he told me to please stay and let him explain. all he could say was “i don’t know why i did it. i was alone and wasn’t thinking and i was in the moment.” everything he’s ever said to me felt like he lied, every compliment,every i love you, every touch he gave me felt like it was just lust and never love from him. i cried when he told me and kept telling him why. why did he do it when he has me. why did he do it if we have sex daily when he comes over. why am i not enough for him. the fact that hurt me the most was that the main thing he looked for was “hot blonde slut” i am not blonde. i am not white. im very much brown and mexican and the complete opposite. hate isn’t a word i can describe with how much he made me feel in that moment, i cant stop crying its disgusting having to deal with it again with him and shows how little of respect he has for me. i don’t know what to do i cant leave him because its so hard for me to let go someone but i have no self respect knowing im letting it happen again.