I (52f) and my boyfriend (53m) I’ll call him Don, have been dating for 6 months.
I am newly separated (divorce will take time as we have a new business together) from my husband of 30 yrs. Long story but my ex was a liar and an immature child. I should have gotten out of that relationship years ago but I’m the type to stick and try to make things work. This was added for context.
For the most part, things with Don are great. We have a lot in common. Connection, communication and sex are the best I’ve ever had. He is caring, selfless, kind and thoughtful. We spend all of our free time together. Constant calls and text messages throughout the day. He’s the type of person that really cares what people think of him so he never wants to be the asshole. So if an ex or potential interest were to message him he would feel obligated to respond. Very important detail …. Absolutely avoids any and all confrontations or fights.
Don was married but divorced 12 yrs ago. They share children / grandchildren.
Don has had a few long term / live in relationships since his divorce and meeting me. Still has communication a lot with one because they share a dog.
Prior to meeting me he told me about a friend, I’ll call her Lisa, he was hanging out with and getting know. Based on what he’s told me Lisa used him because he’s a nice guy. Asking him to do yard work or move furniture and take things to the dump for her. They also hung out playing games like bingo, crib and backgammon.
Because she was not an ex (never kissed) and was just friends he continued to communicate with her but I didn’t understand why he felt the need when based on his description she used him at a time when he was lonely. He also didn’t tell her that he was seeing someone. That upset me. We had our first disagreement. He said he didn’t tell her because that was not the nature of their friendship. He’s very private and doesn’t share personal information with just anyone.
Because this upset me he stopped talking to me about Lisa. One morning about 2 weeks later I saw a text come in from Lisa but I didn’t read it. All day I waited for him to mention it but he didn’t so as we were in bed saying goodnight I asked him if he’s heard from Lisa and he lied right to my face and said no. I was shocked. I calmly said “I don’t like being lied to I saw her text pop up on your phone this morning” and turned over. I get emotional and cry very easily. He tried to back peddle and say that the last time Lisa’s name was brought up it led to a fight and he didn’t want to Lisa’s text to be an issue between us that’s why he lied. After that incident I was triggered. My ex husband would lie all the time. I was constantly catching him in his lies so I was on high alert and super suspicious.
Well my suspicions were right.
Yesterday day he offered me to check his phone. Thinking I would read the messages between him and Lisa. He didn’t know you can go to deleted messages.
I found a text from an ex, I’ll call her Kate, he lived with for 2 yrs. She reached out to him about a month ago and he didn’t tell me. They had some back and forth. He did tell Kate he was seeing me to which she replied “keep my number, if you find yourself single again we can give it another go” he responded that we are doing good.
When I asked him if there was any other messages from anyone he wanted to tell me about he said no. So I said “you going to lie to me again?”
Basically his excuse was that he was not reaching out to these women. They message him and he’s not an asshole and doesn’t like the idea of ghosting them. So he tries to reply short and brief because he thinks I’ll get upset if he tells me that they messaged him and he’s trying to do the right thing.
Now I don’t know if I can trust him.