I have had this friend of five years.
I should mention that he used to be a great source of support and kind to me. I have been the same with him and I really thought we were friends. Last week he sent me an avalanche of voice messages which totaled 3 hours. For context, lately we have been having a lot of arguments because I told him our friendship seems to revolve around him piling his emotions on me about his other women friends or he talks about his work, that’s it. In particular, he has repeatedly over and over every week for the past year talked about a woman he used to be friends with for years who dropped him all of a sudden with no explanation. She hasn’t spoken to him for four years. Last week I didn’t have the bandwidth to hear him cry for hours about this friend who “abandoned him” and won’t speak to him. I told him if and when she wanted to talk to him she would. I should add that he always makes a point to tell me how pretty, smart, talented, etc. his other women friends are but never tells me anything positive about me at all.
Recently, I started talking to a new person at work who was curious about a trip I had just taken. He was interested in having a real conversation where we both discussed things and asked each other questions about each other. I told my friend this and he just went off on me and said “go fixate on the casual guy at work, and leave [him] who has been a loyal friend in the dust.” I had never talked about a guy to him ever before. He said that I always acted like he was a crappy friend and I always mentioned friends that I thought were better than him (I mentioned my girlfriend (who is a great friend to me) maybe four times. After I told him that when I try to talk about anything about my life he ignores me and starts talking about his life and his other friends, he said I was trying to manufacture drama and “make up” things to argue about. I then stopped messaging him because I had to go to my second job. When I picked up my phone again some hours later I saw that he had sent at least 40 messages. He talked about some very heavy things I now regret telling him, how he thought I was screwed up. He just ripped me apart. It was a horrible night for me. That was the end for me. I never communicated with him ever again.
Should I have given him an explanation of why I ended the friendship?
TL;DR: Ended five year friendship due to an intense and hurtful 40 message rant. Was my reaction appropriate?
8 comments
He used you as an emotional tampon and got mad when you set boundaries. His reaction is extreme.
Just text him this is why you get ghosted then block him
Now you know why the other woman ran for it, never to be heard from again.
Well, you know why that other woman stopped talking to him now. Changes are he did exactly this kind of thing to them.
He’s clearly a trainwreck. I don’t want to criticise you for being a friend but I hope that in future if you find yourself in such a one sided friendship where you feel like all they do is use you as a therapist they can vent and trauma dump on you accept that isn’t good for you sooner. You got nothing out of being his friend a long time, and I don’t mean that in a shallow sense either I just think he failed to be a friend in any way that is healthy.
He left 40 unhinged messages on your phone. That was his last ditch attempt to leave a scar, so that he can feel like he is in your mind even after you cut contact. If you message him all you will do is verify that, give him what he wants.
Instead appreciate that not a single thing he said had any merit or meaning to you. It was all just to hurt you, it was all just confirming he has no place in your life. Never will he have your support again.
He is 11 years older than you. He knows why you stopped talking to him. And you know why his good friend stopped talking to him.
I have the feeling that this is what he does to all his “friends”. Just be glad you got away.
I had to go back and reread the ages multiple times because this sounds like teenage drama. This man is 45 years old and uses you as an emotional punching bag/therapist, while getting insanely jealous if you so much as mention another person in your life.
I think you should sail off into the fucking sunset and not look back on this train wreck of a friendship. He doesn’t deserve an explanation.
Nope, you don’t owe him an explanation, or an opportunity to respond back.
honestly sounds like u were already more patient than most ppl would be