My partner and I have been together for a little under a year. He’s amazing, and I feel like we’re doing great in every other regard. When we first started dating, we had intense attraction to each other. Makeouts all the time, foreplay, saucy texts. Our sexual chemistry was really good too. We’d talked about kinks/what we were into in general, and it all matched beautifully.
Shortly having sex the first few times though, it all kind of dropped. He seemed like he was really prioritizing our emotional connection, switching more to romance and knowing me as a person. This was really nice, but made me feel self conscious. I didnt really understand why we couldn’t have a good mix of both, unless maybe I wasn’t good? Maybe he didn’t like the sex? I talked to him, and he explained that that absolutely wasn’t the case. He just had a hard time focusing on both.
Fast forward to now. We haven’t had sex in well over a month. Probably over two. I’ve given him oral a bit, but that’s where it ends. He doesn’t initiate. He doesn’t react a lot to saucy texts. He doesn’t seem to want more than just pecks. If I ask for more, he’ll mostly comply, but that makes me feel like he doesn’t actually want anything. I hate feeling like I’m forcing him.
He’s told me he feels really guilty, and that he’s just been incredibly stressed, which affects his sex drive a lot. He’s disappointed in himself. I miss him and obviously crave him, but I hate that he feels that way. I would never want him to feel guilty about not wanting sex. I’ve found out recently he’s experienced some sexual trauma in the past, so I’m extra careful of not pushing him. I don’t want him to hurt about this. I love him.
Obviously it’s something I want to tackle with him though. But how? I feel like bringing it up will only exacerbate his feelings of guilt. I just want to know how to make him feel safe, not judged, and comfortable with me sexually. I also want to put my own anxiety to bed about this. I can’t help but feel like he’s just not attracted to me sometimes, which doesn’t feel good. How do I talk to him so that neither of us has to feel bad about this?
TLDR- How do I talk to my stressed out boyfriend about wanting more sex/intimate connection without making him feel more guilty than he already does?