This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
36 comments
I don’t know why I’m surprised that my desire to find and partner with an exceptional person is slow-going. The rarity is non-so-secretly built into the concept lol.
Here’s a question for the group: my friend and I were talking about another friend of ours and how he’s been with his current girlfriend for close to 5 years now and it really seems that he’s doing his most to push off proposing. He’s expressed to us that kind of commitment scares him. When he got together with his girlfriend, she said she would hope that if everything went well, they’d be engaged within 2-3 years, so we’re wondering what’s going on at this point and if his girlfriend has questioned it as well.
On paper, our friend is someone the dating world would say is a “green flag” since he’s got a great personality and is experienced in having a history of successful long term relationships, but do you think if his current relationship ended, it might become a red flag that he’s had three major long term relationships that could have gone the way of marriage but didn’t because he couldn’t commit in full to the end game?
Been seeing a guy for a few weeks and I’m starting to really like him. There are two issues though and I wonder if I’m overthinking.
1. He doesn’t ask a lot of questions about me when we talk in person. He tends to dominate the conversation, which I don’t mind because I’m more of a listener. I also struggle with volunteering information about myself in general, so maybe this is a “me” thing. I’m not sure how to bring this up, especially since we haven’t been seeing each other that long.
2. Physical/romantic affection has been moving very slowly. It’s been a few dates and we haven’t kissed yet. I get the feeling we are both out of practice in dating so I don’t think either of us know how to flirt 😅. He’s mentioned that he wants to move slowly and I’m fine with that. I guess I just didn’t realize how slow he meant! I’m worried about pushing things too fast too soon.
Idk. He’s kind and we have a lot in common, but coming off of an abusive relationship is making it hard to understand what’s normal.
I am struggling with where to meet people. For the last year I took a break from dating, its been nice, but I really want to meet someone. I recently moved areas within my state so at least now I go to a different gym so that provides some opportunity. I would not mind meeting someone at a bar or something like that, but unfortunately, I don’t really have a wing woman. Im not in speaking terms with a friend who would normally be down because she is a reckless drinker who drinks and drives no matter what anyone tells her, the other friend thats just not her scene. A lot of my friends moved away or are taken. I really dont know where to even meet men.
I talked with a friend the other day and redownloaded the apps, I made it less than 12 hours before deleting them. I woke up the next morning feeling depressed and anxious. So apps are out.
How many dates/chances do you give a woman before you just write them off as not interested? Like 2 dates of low effort?
Two dates with a guy since May, I left for four weeks to work abroad and visit family. It’s been 7 weeks since we’ve seen each other at this point, I got back last week and text him. I asked him to brunch on Sunday and he said he’ll let me know bc he likes to take Sunday to reset- meanwhile this man has told me countless times that he’s golfed on sundays. He texts me this AM to see how I’m
Doing and I said are we doing brunch today? He said no I need to rest today as I’ve been busy all weekend. I said ok no pressure and left it at that. Asked me what my
Schedule is the rest of the week, I said I’ll be traveling for work so I’m not around. I think after 7 weeks of not seeing one another he should have mustered up the energy to get a simple brunch for two hours. Again I wasn’t super interested in him but I wanted to feel him out with one more date.
So many hot men in Lisbon and the conversations have been so easy. They just start talking to you. Who knew!?!??
When I was doing home service work during the pandemic, I overheard a tremendous nugget of wisdom from an older woman talking to her daughter, who had just moved into her first house. They were discussing her boyfriend, and how he doesn’t treat the daughter very well. It’s really stuck with me and I feel like it’s something to always keep in back of mind:
**”Telling someone you’ll change without taking the actions to actually do it isn’t real change; it’s manipulation.”**
She said it better than my paraphrasing here, I wish I’d remembered the exact wording. But she said it with such certainty and conviction that, even as a bystander overhearing it, it’s stuck with me. And I gotta tell you – it’s helped a lot of friends find “the light” and realize their partner’s behaviour is not above board.
Alright, 24hrs of unlimited swiping on Hinge has netted me 20 matches and only 3 likes sent my way 😂
Advice for approaching women at the grocery store? I’m going to be alone forever if I can’t learn how to approach women I’m interested in – dating apps aren’t the answer for me.
I really think it’s true that when you’re into someone, it’s possible to just be more forgiving and accepting of their flaws. Nobody is perfect. But there’s something about the other person just draws you in and that’s the thing that makes a difference between friendship and romantic relationships. I don’t know but I’ve been thinking, that I feel that way with the person I’m dating exclusively and I don’t feel that way with other men I know in my life. I have many male friends; I don’t even feel that way with them. I can’t overlook on our incompatibility but the person I’m dating? I can actually dream, fantasise and I feel so much at peace and smile so widely when I think about him and his odd qualities and quirks.
Boy…it’s easy to forget all the little things that really sting after a breakup. I just had one yesterday that needed to happen and was as friendly as it could be. But I was Barnes and Noble today and saw books we talked about, I realized she still has some PJs I gave her to wear one night (and remembered she told me she loved that they smell like me which made me melt), and I remembered we were talking about a weekend trip in October.
I’m getting back out there on the apps but I wish I could just text her and pick things back up.
One of my goals before re-entering dating life was being able to give up my second job so I had more time. My raise came through on my first job and it’s less than $2 more every paycheck (when adjusted for inflation). Assuming my math is right, I’ll be around 50 before I can date again, which is concerning given that I’m 34.
Stood up yet again. I’m so done.
I know I’m probably not going to find the love of my life in a club but I’m still trying to put myself out there more and try all different avenues. I asked a couple of friends yesterday if they wanted to go and I’m not a club person at all, so I think they read between the lines.
It was an 80s night and this bar does cater largely to older gay men but I didn’t expect it to be almost entirely men in their 40s and 50s.
We were dancing and there was this guy near us who was very much my type – tattoos, handlebar moustache, lot of jewellery. My friend saw me checking him out and said I should talk to him but I couldn’t work up the courage. I made eye contact with him a couple times, smiled, but I don’t know how to push myself more. Eventually my friend told him I thought he was hot but I’m shy. We danced together for a bit and ended up kissing, then went outside and spoke for a bit, kissed more. He was very touchy (in a good way) and said I was hot, cute, etc.
I asked who he was there with and he said his friends and his husband (the last guy I met at a club a year ago was also engaged, everyone seems to be in open relationships!) which is a bit annoying but it is what it is! It was nice to make out with and dance with someone hot, and I’m glad I keep putting myself out there even if I’m not getting the exact results I want. I’m still learning that I’m someone who is capable of being found attractive and desirable, it’s not resulting in any dates but it’s not nothing either.
Has anyone tried a matchmaking service before? I know they can be really expensive, but as a parent whose time is limited and is looking for someone for the long haul, I wonder if it makes more sense for me than the apps.
Boyfriend has been acting really cold out of sudden.
He cancelled our weekend plans with no explanation and is being really dry in texting. Which never happened before.
For context, we are on our early 30, together for one year. Last week he has abruptly asked if we have a future together, we are too different, he said. We’ve talked and he pointed out that he disliked our trip that day, he didn’t like how I was hiking ahead of him (?). I apologized saying it was an habit, but I also thought it was something too minor to get him upset but didn’t tell him so.
The next day he was all loving, saying how much he appreciated my hobbies. He was his normal self until I left him at my house to meet with my coworkers for dinner. He knew I would be going, he would have dinner with his brother at the same time but it was cancelled. It was only after I left to meet with my friends that he went cold. Three days since.
Ive asked if everything was alright but he refuses to tell me. I’m getting major break up vibes. We’ve been having some arguments in which I ask for better communication and he is taking it very poorly.
Should I push it harder and ask for an explanation? Or wait for him to come around?
What would you do? You’re dating someone in their 40s for almost 4 months, they’re nice, put the effort in, message you daily, you have a lot of common interests. There’s no deeper conversation, it’s quite superficial, you sometimes end up going a couple of weeks without seeing them due to conflicting schedules, you’ve seen them 2 times in the last month but still text daily. You aren’t sure if you’re 100% attracted to them but have been having sex since date 4. Sex is good enough but there is ED at times and they avoid talking about it when sex is bought up. They’ve been asked what they like in bed they just say ‘anything I just like being touched’. They seem to change subject immediately when you try flirty/sexy text talk and most of the initiating comes from you. However they’re respectful and are really lovely but you don’t feel as excited to speak to them or see them now as you once did. Are you going to continue seeing them or call it a day? They live with their grandmother and don’t have any plans to move out/get their own space and are waiting for money to come in for them to buy a house to rent out to make money. You want kids, you’ve asked them and they’re open to it.
I’m in limbo. How do you usually feel at 4 months with someone you’re dating?
I haven’t got this far with someone in the last 7 years.
A friend of mine made me tea and listened to me vent this morning about the dude who never followed up about coffee, and it’s really nice to have supportive people who will deal with me like that. I’ve spent years wanting a friend who would just be fine with making me tea and talking to me on their couch and I am grateful that I have that. But also it’s tough because nothing anyone says really helps with the bigger problem, and I still ended up going home and crying.
I need closeness with people so badly. I don’t see how I’m going to get the kind of connection I want from apps but I just don’t know what else to do. I’m going on a big trip in a couple weeks and I just wish I had someone at home who would want to get all the little updates and pictures from me.
I also struggle a lot with knowing how much is ok to lean on my friends. I ended up messaging the same friend after I got home and asking if she could get dinner with me as well (or later in the week if she was busy). But it took me like 20 minutes of back and forth trying to figure out if that would be appropriate to ask when she had already talked to me for 1.5 hours that morning. I am very hesitant and afraid that I will push people away if I am too sad around them. It’s happened before and I don’t know what the line is before it happens again.
Has anyone here ever seen the 1999 film Magnolia? Tom Cruise plays this misogynistic motivational speaker who talks about sex and dating and his performance is just mesmerizing in it.
I know he’s mostly spouting bullshit but it feels like for all the romanticizing people do about “how much easier it was to date back in the day before apps” it feels like dating was always difficult for a certain cohort of people.
Begin rant. Two dates with someone who I’m not sure I will continue dating. They have been widowed for several years now, 2 kids. Claims to not have much dating experience during this time, understandably so. First thing I noticed was the amount of texting and constant need for validation from them, being up in my face about everything they are doing all day, trying to impress me with pictures etc. Ok, not a dealbreaker but definitely noted. I can imagine they have been quite lonely during the last few years. Then there was some insulting comments that I immediately put a stop to. Definitely sensing some insecurities on their end, not sure how healed they are from their prior relationship, and not sure about availability of dates since they have full custody of their kids. They planned the first two dates, and asked me to plan third date, which is totally fine. But then was off-putting when they told me “If you are having ‘insert name’ withdrawals between now and our next date, let me know and I’ll find a babysitter”. Wtf acting like he’s the prize and I should be chasing. Umm no. It’s been about three weeks now, and texting is way slower now. He revealed recently that he’s going through an emotional time, but still initiates conversation everyday. And I’m supposed to plan the third date this week but now I’m second guessing if I really want to go down this road… and also trying not to write everyone off so easily like I have in the past. End rant.
New guy is no longer new guy. He’s been promoted to boyfriend. I am really excited about this. It all FEELS amazing, but it also makes perfect sense if you take away the feelings. We get on so well and he’s a pleasure to be around. He’s so easy to talk to and is an amazing listener, but also gives amazing feedback. He’s funny and we giggle pretty much the entire time we’re together. He’s also silly and in the most endearing way, in a ‘I’ll do something with my body/face to make you laugh and just not care’. I enjoy looking at him, I enjoy talking to him, I enjoy being next to him in complete silence, it’s both comforting and comfortable. We have so many plans together now as well, which excite me. We keep saying how we just want to do all the things together. We’re going to a gig on Thursday, he’s coming with me to London later this month, then next month both of us have our birthday a few days apart, and we also said we’ll spend that together.
He was at mine for the weekend. We spent the last 36 or so hours together, which has been the longest we’ve been together so far. It wasn’t just effortless, fun, easy, and comfortable, it felt so damn natural and pleasurable and saying goodbye was so hard.
I’m moving house on Tuesday because until now I’ve still been living with my ex, I have many ongoing projects, my best friend’s dad, who has been like my adoptive dad is dying. My ex and I are in a really weird place where there’s loads of care and love for each other and I feel horrible because I ended things and broke his heart, and because we were still living together and he doesn’t have any local friends, so I’ve been supporting him in trying to navigate us breaking up, which is emotionally difficult and hard on me, but I feel responsible and I believe we will stay friends, so it’s fine even though it’s not.
The timing of this new and incredible person couldn’t be worse and yet it feels like it makes perfect sense at the same time. I make time for him and that time gives me energy for everything else that’s happening around him. He’s been amazing with all the stuff I’m dealing with, and has been so helpful in listening and being there. He’s so understanding about the situation with my ex, and said he respects me tremendously for the way I’m trying to support him and care for what he needs right now, since he had some experiences where the people he dated were very harsh when things ended and there was a lot of pain there that he sees I’m trying to minimise in this situation. I appreciate him so much for understanding where I’m at and meeting me there. It sounds like such a messy situation and yet it felt easy and light.
Which further solidified my belief that you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person, and the right person wrong time thing doesn’t exist. It isn’t the right person if there’s no active choice to figure out whatever circumstances are causing issues and find ways to make things work.
He also remembered I said I’m running out of film for my Polaroid camera, and brought me more film. Bless him. I fell asleep on him today for an hour, because we didn’t get much sleep last night, and it felt so incredibly relaxing. We were chatting in bed, he was sitting up and I had my head on his lap, he was running his fingers in my hair and across my neck, and I was so relaxed. So happy.
In a period where I thought meeting someone would only complicate things further and subtract from my energy, he fills me up. I am going to fall so so hard for this brilliant brilliant man.
It’s officially the final 31 days of my self-imposed break from dating. Feeling really good. I’ve lost weight, started some new hobbies and made friends, been going to therapy, read some insightful books and listened to a few great podcasts, got a haircut, knocked a couple tasks off my to-do list. Excited to see what the final month brings before I jump back into the pool!
What is your first love up to these days?
My first ghosting! She even confirmed the night before. We met a few times in person for a hobby event and she seemed really sweet and not the anxious type, so I don’t know what happened. We seemed to have a lot in common so I was looking forward to it. She was even the one to schedule the day to meet. We had been texting back and forth and she was very bubbly, and then suddenly she was quieter after I asked her to lunch. I guess younger women are skittish and I should have waited weeks to ask her to lunch?
[deleted]
Going on dates with a guy who’s full of green flags and I’m struggling not to scare him away coz I like him so much. But it’s good 🙂
My fwb and I mutually decided to end things, but I’m truly mystified by how he went about initiating the convo.
It seemed like he wanted me to or expected me to tell him I was no longer interested. I found it odd because I’d more or less left us hanging out again up to him. When a month passed and I didn’t hear back I assumed it was over. Imagine my surprise when a few weeks later he asked if I wanted to hang out.
I wasn’t available and told him as much and checked in with myself to see if I wanted to keep things going. I still did and reached out, and then came the aforementioned convo.
He started off by establishing expectations which given how I acted last time (check my post history), makes total sense. But his tone—he was texting as if we were co workers or I was his direct report or something; adding in comments like “this dynamic isn’t for everyone”, and “no hard feelings if this isn’t for you” as well as something he said about me being “too pleasure focused” completely put me off.
From my POV the whole point of our arrangement is for pleasure regardless of the dynamic or who’s doing what to whom. It just seemed like he wanted closure and went about it in a very odd manner—basically shrugging off ending it himself and saying things that would prompt me to end it instead. I can’t tell if that’s passive on his end or if he thought he was protecting my feelings by giving me an out.
I took the hint, if you can even call it that, and told him we could call it if the dynamic wasn’t working and said that the whole reason I’m interested in kink is the explore pleasure.
I’d no misgivings about what we were doing, it was primarily a physical arrangement, but something about the tone and the way he went about ending things is going to have me scratching my head for a while.
Went on a date with a different guy just so I don’t get too attached and damn. He sucked. Not mean but photos borderline catfishing and he was so low effort. He asked me no questions about myself. Yuck.
I had a lot of my boyfriend’s friends over last night for dinner and hanging out in the backyard. We had a fire, we listened to music, we had some laughs. I have been around them all a few times but I got to know them all a bit better and they are really great guys. They were asking for my advice about dating Canadian women and I was doing profile reviews and being asked to have another party with my friends too lol. They also offered to rebuild my back deck for free because some boards are rotting and becoming a problem. My daughter was really happy with them, but she charmed them immediately and they did everything she said, so of course she was. She reminds them of a child actress that’s popular in Mexico. They were jumping on the trampoline with her and pulling her around in her wagon, and she had a great time.
Him having a whole network and community of people that are sweet guys who all look out for each other and have fun and support each other is the green flag I didn’t know would feel so good. He’s got strong relationships with good people, and I appreciate that.
I had a moment while cooking together that hurt my feelings. It was hot, we were both busy preparing things, and he said something that sounded really unappreciative to me and like what I had been making wasn’t right. It happens I guess, but here is the part that is different from any other relationship I’ve been in. There was no explaining his side, no rolling eyes or acting like I’m overdramatic. No trying to turn it into a joke or brush it off or (God this has actually happened to me before) trying to get our guests in on criticism so he was right. He clocked immediately that my feelings had been hurt and stopped everything to tell me he was sorry, that he misunderstood what I had done and asked me to please take his apologies because he didn’t want to be the kind of person to make me feel bad about myself ever. I wobbled a bit and cried a little because he had named it so perfectly and really looked at me and gave us both a little vulnerability in that moment. He followed it up by pointing out how much his friends had loved what I had done and showed me that it was all gone which I thought was nice. It feels good to be with someone who’s emotionally aware and intelligent for a change.
In other news we are going dancing Tuesday, and I’m glad our dates haven’t dropped off since we’ve gotten comfortable with each other. He was showing me how to salsa dance using TikTok’s where they use tape on the floor to make a grid to learn, so I surprised him with painters tape on the floor last week and we’ve been practicing. Now we are going to a Latin night to try it out. I like that this is something we’ve been talking about since our first date and we worked on it and are doing date nights around it.
I am really happy and thriving in this relationship and it feels good to relax into it. I haven’t been this comfortable with a man since I started dating again 5 years ago.
Had a date planned via the Breeze app today.
To those who dont know you can’t chat in the app. Once you match someone the app allowes you to both give availebility for time and date and then picks a local bar or some other place. The app also “punishes” people for not showing up by freezing their account for a week. The app opens up a chat 4 hours before the date so you can say things like “ill be 10 minutes late” or things of that nature.
Had some good dates via this app but what happend today leaves me feeling like shit.
3 hours before the date she sends me a messages if we could rather meet somewhere for a walk with her dogs. One hour later she tells me that if she doesnt get a response she will consider the dates canceled.
I didnt see all this cause i was bussy. 30 minutes before when we had planned the original date i open the app to tell her im on my way just see the messages that she sent. I send her sorry for nor responding cause i didnt see her message and say that i like the idea and ask her if she had a particular place in mind.
She responds 15 minutes later by saying its allready too late and cant make it anymore (still before the time of the original date) but that i can have her number.
I didnt really believe her but i sent a message anyway saying too bad that it got mixed up like it had and sugested next weekend and asked her if she had a favorite spot for her dog walks.
Ghosted.
Now i feel like shit because she made me feel like i somehow was rude for not responding while she changed the date with a sort of weird ultimatum while she seemed to no be availible anyway at the time of the date.
Anyone been ghosted by someone they didn’t expect? Specifically someone you talked to daily for multiple months? Y’know asking for a friend 🙁
A friend broke up with his ex 1.5 years ago (they dated 1 year), and she’s this year started showing up around his apartment and emailing him essays blaming him for her taking leave from the academic year for her mental health.
Anyway, she found and just sent my friend’s mom an unhinged essay on LinkedIn.
I told him to get a lawyer cause a guy I rejected did something similar to me (but called my company’s HR office instead of my mom).
Stay safe out there, y’all.
Anyone else have someone in their life they don’t think they’ll ever get over? Regardless of how hard you try — therapy, dating new people, etc — that person will always be in your mind (/on your heart)?
Last week I had the first disagreement with my girlfriend of 2 months. Everything has been fine up until this point.
We disagreed on a political matter (First Nations relations in Canada) that is of little consequence to either of us. I work with FNs daily as my job while she doesn’t, so I see much more of the subject than the average person does. We have viewpoints that are mostly aligned but differ in some key areas that are important to her from a “living my live in a more compassionate way” kind of perspective. She tells me that I have room to grow, I say that I really don’t and just have a fundamentally different (and deeper) understanding of the issue based on my work.
To me this is a non issue. I told her I’d support her in her views and not (nor was I in the past) be adversarial. In my mind it’s totally fine to have differing viewpoints, no two people are the same and you just have to get to a place where you respect each other, especially for a topic like this that doesn’t really affect either of us or how we live our lives as white people beyond living compassionately in our community.
We had some really uncomfortable conversations about this when it was clear that I wasn’t fully adopting or working towards her viewpoint. She continually blows up my stance into something that it isn’t and puts words in my mouth which has been frustrating.
She cancelled a big trip we had planned this weekend that I booked time off work for and said that she needed space after we had a quick walk where she gave me back all of the things of mine in her apartment. I haven’t heard from her in 5 days.
It feels like the end, but I’m sitting here a little shell shocked at how fast this happened over what is so benign in my eyes. I’m imagining that every moral objection we have in the future of this relationship is going to end up in a near relationship-ending event instead of us working towards some understanding and deeper respect for one another. Even if she wants to keep trying to make this work, I really don’t think I do.
I feel like I’m not the crazy one here? We should be well into the honeymoon phase instead of needing space already at 2 months in lol. Any advice for how to handle this?
I ended things with a guy I was seeing for the last month or so. He’s so kind, nice, and handsome, but his words and actions didn’t align and he’s active on a dating app again. He prioritizes another plan, etc. I think I’m sensitive and it all hurts my feelings. Apps just keep my mental health hurting and I don’t know if I ever meet my person😔 I’m so tired. I still miss him though, I need a break from dating