This is my first post so please go easy me. I don’t have any family really to turn to for advice.
I (27F) have been with my partner (28M) since we were in high school (10 years ago). Without giving too much away as I know people on reddit, I changed a lot about my life and the direction it was going in so that he could follow his dreams and to support him. He knows and I thought (as we have had this discussion many times over the years) that he wanted the same thing as I, to get married. We had kids young, my daughter is 4 and my son is almost 9 months. I didn’t expect a ring sooner as I thought he was waiting as we were saving for our house which we finally moved into this year. We do not struggle financially. He’s got a decent paying job and I work night shifts which pays really well. I should add that I started working night shift not because I wanted to but because my job was more flexible with the kids and his job, as well as the sport that he plays after hours. I do a lot around the house and he does too but again the majority falls onto me. I did not mind this as I thought we were working towards the same goal.
We had an argument about six months ago when we wanted a new car, because I got upset as he had no problem spending $50000 on a brand new car for himself but could not spend a few thousand on a ring for me. Yes we had that money in the bank and currently have about $16000 extra so again money isn’t an issue. He had told me he had almost proposed a few years ago but then didn’t because he changed jobs. I expressed my feelings and desires and after that fight I thought he would within the next year.
We don’t go out or do much by ourselves anymore due to the kids but we decided to celebrate our ten year anniversary by booking a hotel room and going out somewhere nice for dinner. He organised everything so I thought (and many others did too) that it was going to be the night… well… it wasn’t. I tried not to but that night I couldn’t stop thinking about it and got upset. The next morning he kept asking what was wrong and I told him. He said “I didn’t think you would be upset about that,” as in him not proposing. Turns out he’s not even thinking about it. I decided ten years was enough time and even if he did now it would not be the moment I always dreamed of, it would feel forced. Would I be wrong for ending our relationship because he hasn’t proposed after ten years? Our relationship is otherwise perfect and he is a great dad. I just know this is something I can’t get over.
TLDR: would I be wrong for ending my relationship with my partner after ten years, two kids, a house and a dog because he won’t propose?
30 comments
If he perfect otherwise I would stay personally. He probably is just nervous he definitely needs to figure it out tho.
If its a dealbreaker for you, then yes you should walk away. Depending on where you live there are many legal advantages and protections for you getting married. The fact he doesn’t care or think about that must hurt.
If you stay have you considered wills, medical POAs and insurance beneficiaries?
Are you in a common law state or are you basically screwed on benefits and child support if he kicks you out?
You need to communicate directly with him how you feel.
Does he KNOW you want to get married? Does he know you want to get married SOON? Is this something you have discussed?
You guys got together quite young. From The currency you used, I’ll assume (correct me if I’m wrong) you’re American. I know in the US, marrying young (early-mid 20s) is common.
In my home country, around your ages (late 20s) is when people will start to think about marriage, or actually doing it.
I have some family weddings this and next year, all the people I know in them are aged ranging from 30-36. Many of them have been together as long as you have. My cousin, who is 30, is marrying his high school girlfriend soon. They started dating when they were about 16.
I don’t know if that’s the timeline you want to be on, but for me, not getting married already would make sense.
After 10 years, two kids, and shared goals, it’s fair to want commitment. If marriage is important to you and he still isn’t considering it, you’re not wrong for questioning the relationship. Your feelings are valid
“Our relationship is otherwise perfect…” is it, though? Sounds like this entire arrangement exclusively benefits him. You do more work than him around the house. You took a night shift job you don’t want so that he could have an easier time with his hobby and career. He doesn’t meet your emotional needs or seem to care about what you’ve expressed that you want. You have two kids with him but none of the legal protections that marriage provides. Consider how many other red flags you might have ignored up until now. I’ll bet that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Well, you’ve got the relationship and the commitment and the financial partnership and the romantic anniversary and the family…. so if the only thing missing is the ring and the proposal, go out and choose a ring, and tell him this is important to you. You’ve got all the benefits of marriage except the symbolic one.
He clearly didn’t know you were expecting a proposal, but he did feel invested in the relationship enough to arrange a beautiful anniversary weekend, so he’s in this for the long haul. It doesn’t sound like he’s hedging to avoid responsibility just that he’s happy, and doesn’t feel anything’s missing.
What happens if you end the relationship? You’ll be single with two small children, less financial security and without a loving companion. Dating as a mother of young children is precarious, because you need someone who is compatible with you AND with family life.
Unless things aren’t as perfect as you say, it seems like a huge ultimatum, when you could just remind him that this is important to you.
Why don’t you propose to him?
It sounds like you’ve considered him a lot by moving and taking a night job to support his needs and desires as well as doing most of the childcare. It doesn’t sound like he’s perfect otherwise because someone perfect would appreciate that, contribute equally, and also sacrifice things to meet your needs and wants. I think I’d also be done especially after the car. I’d feel shitty being less important to him than a car.
Have you tried proposing to him?
“Good morning ” after 10 years you figured it out. I think you will never mak3 the same mistake again. Sorry that is happening to you but run
I think you should TELL him that you are considering this. Discuss why he doesn’t want to get married, why he doesn’t consider your feelings, hopes and dreams, etc.
See what comes out of that discussion.
You may end up walking away, or you might resolve your issues in a satisfactory way.
If you do stay together, stop taking on more of the burdens than him. That gets old very fast.
I would suggest investing in the Fair Play System (book and cards) to get things more equitable between you.
Best of luck!
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I’m going to be blunt. If after 10 years and 2 kids together, he hasn’t proposed, he doesn’t want to marry you. Are you ok with that? If yes, then stay. Are you ok with walking away from the life that you’ve built and starting a new life? Are you ok with what that would entail? If yes, then go. Also, don’t be surprised if you end the relationship and he marries the next woman he dates. It happens all the time. Don’t stay with him because you think he’ll change his mind. If he does, it’ll likely be a shut up ring. Then you’ll get to wait until he’s finally ready to walk down the aisle. In this situation, I would leave. You’ve given him everything while he continues to reap the benefits of being married without the commitment. I couldn’t do that.
You sound like a placeholder. He’s waiting to marry the woman of his dreams and he will when he meets her.
Why do you have kids with someone who wouldn’t commit to you first? Why do people treat marriage as the ultimate commitment to be wary of, but hey let’s go ahead and have kids and see if it works out? Women: stop making sacrifices to your career or education plans for your partners. Stop sitting and waiting and hoping. Men are raised to be selfish and entitled. Insist on yourself. Make reasonable demands that serve your life goals and stick to them.
You’re already committed in many ways and done a lot more than many would outside of the protections of marriage. If it’s important to you, you need to discuss with him WHY he doesn’t want to get married. What exactly is holding him back? What exactly is important to you? A ring? A wedding? Or just being married? His reasons for not wanting to propose and get married is really important as it will tell you how committed he actually is to the relationship. It’s also something that should have been discussed before kids and buying a house. If he still can’t commit after two kids and a house then he’s likely just a ticking time bomb.
Is he actively against marriage for some reason? I’m indifferent to marriage but it was important to my husband, so we’re married. I guess your husband is comfortable with the current arrangement, so it doesn’t sound like he’s going to propose any time soon (if ever).
Personally I would have a hard time ending a relationship with kids involved over a lack of marriage, but as I said, I’m indifferent to marriage. I don’t think I could face splitting time with my kids, co-parenting, dealing with potential step-parents down the line, the emotional toll it would take on the kids, financial toll, etc.
The fact that it’s so important to you and he just doesn’t care sounds like (?) it’s symptomatic of a larger issue of him taking you for granted and you both building a life that suits him. You’ve changed your life plan to accommodate his dreams and goals, you’ve worked your job schedule around taking care of the kids and accommodating his work schedule, and he…works, plays sports regularly, does less of the parenting, less of the house work?
If it’s truly something you can’t get past, I don’t think it’s healthy to stay in a relationship with resentment constantly bubbling under the surface.
You aren’t going to stay young forever… I wasted 5 years of my 20s in a relationship waiting for the same thing and asking the same questions, and it’s one of my biggest regrets. Eventually it makes you question your worth when you don’t get that commitment after pouring yourself into a relationship and you see everyone around you moving forward in life. If a man wanted to marry you, he would. I think we know in our gut when we are forcing it. Please choose yourself and your future. ❤️
Men know within 6 months or less whether they want to marry you. This guy is an ass and is leading you on. Walk away. Run away.
Sorry guys I don’t know how to update a post but to everyone saying we should have discussed this before having kids and a house… we did. We both thought kids and house were more important and then we would get engaged once we were approved for the home loan which we were last year. We signed the contract back in 2020, finally moved in this year and do not owe the bank much for a home loan. A wedding would not stress us out financially. I have no idea what changed in his mind or when.
Sure, go ahead and end a 10 year relationship and explain to the kids its because daddy didnt make a ceremony of it.
According to bitter redditors there are “red flags” anyway because you do more housework.
All perfectly reasonable.
Is this to punish the guy, or is it because the act of a wedding is so important to you?
Your relationship sounds far from ‘otherwise perfect’ to be honest. Leaving now will just hurt the kids.
Why would he marry you? He’s already getting everything he wants. The arrangement is working for him perfectly, so why would he be motivated to change the status quo? He’s got all the benefits of a wife without the commitment. Why would he spend thousands on a ring and sign a legal contract making it harder to walk away if he changes his mind when he’s happy with the way things are? You would be the only one to benefit from getting married because he’s already gotten everything he wants.
You’ve given him children, cofund the lifestyle you share, you act as a bangmaid, and allow him to participate in his hobby. He’s got it made. He’s living the sweet life. And on top of that, he can just walk away anytime he wants.
The only one thing that might motivate him to want to be married is the prospect of losing you and all the benefits you give if he doesn’t. So it’s ultimatum time. And if he says no, or gets you a “shut up ring” and drags his feet just to string you along and buy more time, follow through on your ultimatum and leave.
You have bought a house and had children with him, you are really sending mixed messages. If you were willing to do those things without a ring he probably assumes marriage means nothing to you other than a day out and a shiny ring. I think you’re a doing a terrible disservice to him and your children if you were to leave now over having hurt feelings.
To me this sounds like a major communication issue. You are expecting him to be a mind reader and that he should know how you feel and should answer to your expectations which again are going to be confusing to him seeing you haven’t really pushed this and had children and bought a house before being married.
You say it will feel forced? It most certainly will but if now after ten years and the kids house etc you will have to make it clear that it has suddenly become important to you and you will have to explain the reasons why.
End it. He’s enjoying all the wife benefits without giving you a single solid commitment. What an AH. The guy knows damn well that you wanted to be proposed to. Don’t let him gaslight you and manipulate you to think that he “didn’t know”. And no, he wasn’t going to propose to you before, he just threw that out there to breadcrumb you and make you think if you just stay a little longer, he’ll propose. I’ve heard that one myself. “I was going to propose but…*(insert lame excuse #34,798)*”
Bullshit.
That’s just lip service to placate us and to try and smooth over the situation so that we continue to stay. He is no more planning to propose than any other day. And then when they think everything is blown over, they will continue on exactly as they did before. All they do is throw out little bits of hope here and there when we get upset to keep us strung along for years. It’s honestly infuriating.
Obviously the biggest mistake here is that you gave him children out of wedlock. Giving a man children is one of the biggest bargaining chips women have, and once you give them that, plus all the wife benefits of doing the laundry, cooking, house chores and you don’t make them commit. … they aren’t going to. And now, you’ve already given him everything you possibly can give him for nothing. You yourself have made a giant commitment agreeing to have kids while he couldn’t even do the bare minimum of marrying you, which is a much smaller and far less permanent commitment than children.
That’s why those relationship steps were taken in that order – dating, engagement, marriage, then children. Each of those steps increase in maturity and responsibility. Children being the last one because it’s the biggest financial, emotional and physical commitment you can make in your entire life. You’re committing to raising whole other human beings into adults that can go out into the world and be successful. I’ve always said, if a man can’t commit to marriage, then he certainly shouldn’t commit to children.
Asking for official recognition of your relationship is not a whim, it’s normal
If he knows how important it is to you, and still ignores it more. And you have every right to rethink whether this is the life you want. Even if he is a good father and partner in life, you also deserve to be chosen every day, and officially too
You’re not married. Leave and take the kids with you.
Girl, you gave him ten years, two kids, a house, and a whole life and he still can’t commit? If marriage is important to you and he’s clearly not prioritizing it, you’re not wrong for walking.