We've been together 4 years. He's always struggled financially, and I have not. I've worked my ass off to be financially stable and it's important to me that i stay that way. I encouraged him to find a stable job and he did and was getting ahead financially. After more than a year of his financial stability, we decided to move in together and he proposed.
Shortly after the proposal he unexpectedly quit his job. I know he was burnt out and the work environment wasn't great, but it was a steady income. It was a big shock to say the least, but i tried to be supportive since I knew he was stressed to the max, and that's what partners do.
He told me he would find at least a side gig in the next few months while he worked on building his own business. That allayed my stress for the time being.
It's been 5 months now and he still hasn't found anything to bring in income, but he is working on building a business. The business is not likely to bring in any income for at least several more months and I'm not sure if it will at all because I haven't seen any progress. I do try to ask him about it, but he's still in the building phase and hasn't tried to find clients who will need the work he provides yet since he isn't ready. I think it's a good business idea, but i worry about the actual execution.
Meanwhile, he has debts he is responsible for and has burned through his money. I have leant him some, and the payback date has come and went. He asked me to help cover his car payment and gas since he uses the car to help care for my kids. I told him I was uncomfortable with that and it turned into a multi day argument.
He's now asked me to cover his debts while he works on his business and frames it as me investing in him because we are building a partnership together. I get that, but the ask feels indefinite to me and when i try to put an end date to it, conversations turn vague and I'm left feeling like I don't believe in him and I'm unwilling to support him.
Maybe I am unwilling to support him this way – financially- and that's why I'm feeling so burnt out. I want to be a supportive partner, but I feel like I'm possibly being taken advantage of. I can also see the side where, sometimes things are tough and partners have to support each other – sickness, health, rich, poor. You know?
I'm having a hard time because he is able bodied and capable of bringing in income. I haven't seen any urgency or work toward at least doing something interim while he tries to build up his company and that's what I need to see. When i bring this up… he always says he's working on something for his business for a couple weeks until he can get to the next step, kind of like he doesn't have time for a side job. I guess I feel like having money to pay current expenses is more important immediately and he should work on building his business on the side of that, rather than the other way around.
I'm able to pay all of the expenses, but it's making me feel financially claustrophobic if that makes sense. I have goals that i have to sideline since I have his extra expenses at the moment.
When I tell him I'm at capacity and I can't cover his expenses, i somehow end up feeling like I'm unsupportive and don't believe in him which isn't the case. I just want him to cover his own life – he tells me everything is always "mine" or "his" and we need to think of everything together.
What's the line between being supportive and being taken advantage of? What's the line between able to bring in income and willing to bring in income.
I feel like he sees my income as sufficient for our life, so we're fine, but honestly I'm overworked and overwhelmed and would like to have some breathing room where I could take a small step back at work. When i talk about this he says he will just work until he's 90 then. It feels very unproductive.
36 comments
Stop paying for his things. He’s an adult and needs to act like it.
You can’t make him understand because he doesn’t care.
Stop paying then and stop enabling his behavior!
This will be your life.
It wasn’t a coincidence that he quit after he snagged you. It was planned. Thank goodness you see who he is before you wed and get pregnant. You would be much more financially responsible for his future than you are now.
You should move on. He’s in full leech mode. That business is going nowhere fast. He adds little or nothing at this point.
You are being taken advantage of. He knows how it feels to be burnt out at work – that’s why he’s happy to let you shoulder the burden. Don’t marry this man without a prenup, but to be real, I don’t see why you want to stay in this relationship at all. You are not married so for richer or poorer does not apply. He seems very selfish, irresponsible, and immature. What kind of 40 something can’t support himself?
You stop paying for them.
This is literally the simplest equation out there. He will rely on the money, both economically and emotionally, until the second you stop releasing the money to him.
All of this is within your immediate control.
Sorry to hear. I had an ex partner too who needed to move into my home because he was homeless. He could earn 500 a day but burned through his money. In 12 months he paid a water bill once and nothing towards food or staying in my home. He left , angry and bitter towards me and found a new victim. I never gave him any money or financially supported him but he stayed rent free. Never again. Get him out of your house
Any man who is comfortable and now entitled to taking your money is planning to do so for the rest of his life. If you enjoy his companionship and you get other benefits from this relationship, then maybe it’s a sacrifice that’s worth it for you. I know many women who made that choice. But if it’s not, you need to get out before you marry this guy and truly what’s yours becomes his.
He’s 41 and haven’t figured out his shit. This will be your life.
He quit his job, he didn’t get fired. It sounds like a decision he made without you and you aren’t responsible for making it better.
I’m the breadwinner in my home, but having a job that brings in money is an expectation I have for my partner. The exceptions would include a medical condition that prevents him from working or we made that decision together so he could care for children.
“If I’m going to be an investor in your business, I want to see a business plan and a share agreement.”
He’s a gold digger and feels entitled to all your labor and money. He only proposed and my guess pressured for you guys to move in together in order to control you through you kindness. Being supportive is more like, here let me take you out to lunch so you can talk through xyz and make plans … this however looks 100% using you for all your resources cause he’s a lazy bum. Men like this will absolutely drain you of everything to the point that you can’t even take care of the basics. Once that happens, they’ll jump to their next victim. Men like this always complain about women being gold diggers, but really are the gold diggers themselves cause they expect everything from a women but won’t even be a functioning adult. Try it, whether or not your able, be all, I don’t have enough money to pay for all your shit, you need to move in with family or friends until you get it together … I would bet that he’ll get mad at you and make you feel bad for not helping or supporting him. RED FLAGS ALL OVER, run away!
If he wasn’t your fiance, would you invest in his business?
At least he’s showing you his true colors before legally entangling you via marriage!
Find someone who wants to lift you up, not drag you down.
He’s a loser & he’s using you.
You are his financial plan. You should end this relationship unless you want to carry this man on your back for life.
The man’s a hobosexual. Him quitting his job was only unexpected to you. He knew what he was doing as it was planned. Time to dump his dead weight. He’s a user not a partner.
Stop. Now. Accept that you will probably have to cut your losses, he is unlikely to pay you back. Don’t lose more in the hope that he will change, he won’t. If he had any self respect or respect for you he would be out there doing SOMETHING to bring in money.
He’s essentially a squatter at this point. He will never get better in this way and you’ll always have to earn more. If you’re unmarried without kids together, he needs to go. I waited 10 years of marriage and kids to do this, and now at 53, I have so much less in retirement than I should. He’s a lazy freeloader.
He is a hobosexual.
He was burned out working for a year? Poor baby. The man has no work ethic and low character. He’s never going to step up and will use his building a business to further take advantage of you. You don’t quit your full time job of one year to start a business, you do it on the side while working your regular job. Wake up to the rest of your life if you think this will change.
What a privilege it is to be able to quit your job because you’re burnt out and still have your necessities paid for.
It sounds like he’s a hobosexual that’s learned to function just well enough before he hooks you in. Y’all got engaged and immediately the mask is slipping.
He’s using you as his ATM, dump this mooch or you’ll be adding another job.
He quit is job without talking to you first, with no plan other than your bankroll. Would you do that to a loved one? Would you be happy if your kid’s partner did that to them? Your man is a grifter. He only got a job that one time to trick you into thinking he was going to be an equal partner. He is a parasite in your home, siphoning resources from your children. No dick is worth the way he’s treating you.
He doesn’t need to understand. He just doesn’t give a shit either way. You can make this stop right now by putting him out. You are choosing this.
Dear partner,
From now on, I will not be paying any money towards your car, insurance, or debts. I am happy to keep paying for gas and snacks when you do things with the kids.
You misled me about your intentions to find a part time job to cover the bills, and your have already borrowed a significant amount of money from me that you did not pay back within the agreed upon time frame.
I will not invest in your business because A) I want us to have a partnered relationship, no a business relationship, and B) while I think you have a worthwhile product, I don’t think you have shown competence on the managerial end of your company.
Sorry if this comes across harsh, but to be honest, right now I dont feel like you are treating me fairly. I am trying to make sure I have financial stability, and that I can continue to give my kids a secure future. Paying all of your extra expenses makes that impossible. As a partner, I need you to step up and at minimum, be financially responsible for yourself. If not, I cant be confident in the future of our relationship.
Xoxo, OP
Everybody is telling you you’re being taken advantage of financially, so you already know. I’m going to offer you another thing you should be seriously thinking about. The fact he avoids the conversations and actively makes you feel like you can’t ask more questions, is a very large underlying problem.
How can you marry a person who is not working as part of your team, and you can’t communicate clearly with? He’s making excuses, dodging the reality, and you’re the one feeling like you’re nagging him. That’s not a partnership. You should seriously review marrying this guy.
Here’s a glimpse into the rest of your life if you marry this man. He is a grown man, he needs to have a job and not expect you to pay his way in life. Sounds like he wants a mommy and not a wife.
This man is using you.
On purpose.
He is doing this to you because he wants to and he knows he can.
He does not care how it makes you feel.
As soon as you agree to marry him **he stopped working**. There’s no clearer signal that he’s using you financially. And he doesn’t care that you’re burning out to support him.
Please get out while you still have your financial stability intact, because this man is never going to support himself or even take responsibility for his own debts.
This man is a narcissist. Thats what they do they basically leech off you and when you tell them what their share is they will be nice to you but when that’s not enough for you they will resort to gaslighting you and making it your problem.
I had a housemate who came to stay with me and I noticed he started trying to get me involved in all of his drama and he was costing me money which was causing me to feel burnt out all the time. The rent he was paying me was not covering all the expenses he incurred. Whenever I called him out on his bullshit, he’d act all sweet and say he changed for about a week and then he’d continue with the bad behaviour. My intuition led me to believe that the longer I let the behaviour go on the worse it would become. So I basically cancelled his tenancy agreement and he took revenge on me. I won’t tell you what he did, but I can tell you that it was awful and left me with a nasty bill and a mental injury. I encourage you for your own safety to untangle yourself and your children from this person swiftly and with the greatest care. You don’t owe him anything and nor should you feel guilty about being financially stable those are called boundaries. Life’s already hard without someone who is suppose to be an equal partner dragging you down.
We teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them. He’s not going to change because it doesn’t benefit him to. Your only option here is to leave.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/29QY6XJKHV
There are a lot of hobosexual men who prey on single moms because the mom has her life together and is accustomed to caretaking. They don’t want to get jobs, they want to be supported by their bangmommy while they live an extended adolescence.
The mom will work her fingers to the bone to keep a roof over her children’s head. The hobosexual knows she will always have a house, won’t default on rent, and will find it difficult to leave him (because the children need stability so she couldn’t up and move out in the middle of the night). It’s a trap. He’s moved in like a cuckoo and is weaponising your support for your children against you.
In summary, this dude is a bum who is draining resources (money, time and attention) away from your kids. Tell him to move out. He doesn’t want to be an adult in a family unit; he wants to be a kid. He’s a deadweight.
Siri, play “No Scrubs” by TLC
Whenever I read on this app “how can I make this person understand” I immediately think less of the person. You can’t make anyone do anything. The only person whose actions you can control are your own. Act accordingly
“I’m happy to invest in a business I can see a detailed business plan on including upcoming *and completed* milestones, but then I would be an investor. You would be accountable to me as an investor that the upcoming milestones were met. We would also need to determine up front the ownership split.” (<-which OP you should be doing anyway, I’ve read too many stories of “I supported him while he built his business, he hit it big, my name wasn’t on anything, now it’s his and his 25 year old mistress’s business….”)
If he *truly* wants to build a business, this should all be straightforward cake.
(He doesn’t want to build a business. He wants to mooch and thinks he’s wormed in deep enough you won’t kick him out. Like a worm – a parasitic worm. Take your dewormer. It’ll suck for a few days while the worm passes but then you’ll feel *sooooo* much better.)
Shocking that he quit his job right after you guys moved in together….. with no discussion at all….. and chose to “start his own business” with no discussion at all…..
These aren’t things you do in a partnership. If he wanted it to be “ours” instead of “yours” and “mine” then that should have been discussed and agreed upon. He forced this situation on you. I would not be ok with that at all.