We’ve been together for a few months, and at first, things felt promising. But about a month into the relationship, I started feeling uncomfortable about something — she occasionally smokes shisha (hookah) with her friends.
Before we even started dating, I knew she used to smoke. But early on, she told me she doesn’t like it anymore, and I assumed she was distancing herself from it. That helped ease my concern — because in our Arab culture, it’s not socially acceptable for women to smoke. And personally, I’m not comfortable with it in a partner.
I never told her directly, “don’t smoke” — but I’ve always made it clear through my actions, my energy, and even our mutual best friend told her I wasn’t comfortable with it before we started dating. She knew how I felt.
A month into our relationship, she sent me a Snap streak while smoking with her friends. I stayed silent at first. But two days later, while we were out with our friend group, she smoked again — right in front of me. That’s when I finally opened up about it.
The conversation turned into a huge fight.
She got extremely defensive and disrespectful, saying it’s “nothing,” that she only smokes socially, and that if I don’t want to be with a smoker, no hard feelings. She even said she wouldn’t tell me again if she smoked, because it’s harmless to her. And then she added, “If I ever want to stop, I’ll stop for myself — not for anyone else.”
We didn’t talk for 8 days after that.
And every time we try to have a serious conversation, she gets defensive, disrespectful, and aggressive, saying hurtful things that make me feel like the bad guy just for bringing up my feelings. It’s a pattern — and it’s draining.
This whole thing stopped being about smoking. What truly hurt me was:
• How I felt completely emotionally unsafe expressing a boundary.
• How quickly she turns to aggression and personal attacks when she feels challenged.
• How I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger her defensiveness.
• How I’m left feeling emotionally lonely — like she’s barely present anymore.
She recently traveled back to her family in Dubai, and since then our communication has gotten worse. She rarely shares her day, gives vague updates, and doesn’t call as much. I’m starting to feel like I’m not a priority, just someone on the side.
I thought the smoking was my biggest issue. But I’m realizing now that the real problem is the lack of emotional consistency, the coldness, the disrespect when she’s upset, and the way my needs don’t feel safe to express.
I’ve tried to be understanding — I even defended her when she said her sister vapes, telling her maybe she’s stressed and that’s her way of coping. I’m not trying to control her or be judgmental. I just want a relationship where I feel seen, safe, and respected.
Is this too much to ask?
I want a relationship where there’s emotional safety, presence, and mutual effort. Am I asking for too much? Am I overthinking? Or are these signs that I should be re-evaluating this relationship?
Would really appreciate any thoughts.
TL;DR:
My girlfriend smokes shisha socially even though it emotionally triggers me. When I calmly bring it up, she gets extremely defensive, says hurtful things, and tells me it’s “nothing” and not my business. I feel emotionally lonely in the relationship, like I’m walking on eggshells every time I need to express myself. I’m unsure if I’m being too sensitive or if this is just not a healthy dynamic anymore.