Physical appearance and weight effect every part of our lives. I've known a special someone for years ,long distance, and recently had the chance to meet IRL. She's seen me a few times but we mostly keep in touch on the phone and email ( kinda like digital pen pals).
I've always been self-conscious of my appearance and so I made a committed effort to lose weight before the meet up. Fast forward almost 3 months and I lost about 18 lbs. When we met up one of the topics of convo was my weight loss. She made a comment that she could see my progress in my face. I thought she was being nice (I've still got a gut), but I checked in with some fam and friends and they said similar things.
We had a lot of fun when she was here hanging out, watching movies and sharing story ideas ( we both want to be fantasy novelists).
Being together felt natural and relaxed but in the back of my mind I'm thinking," What if I gain the weight back?"
After she left I started taking an antidepressant and lost some of my drive to workout. Looking at the scale I've started to put on some weight again. All this is to say I'm worried she'll lose interest in staying friends if I get any bigger but I've heard that weight gain is inevitable in long term relationships. Maybe I'm being my own worst enemy. So, did you get into better or worse shape when you got serious with your SO?
TLDR: I lost some weight and I'm worried that if I get fat again ( or even fatter) the woman I'm interested in will lose interest in me.
25 comments
I’ve lost 144lbs and can tell you my dating life was much more colorful as a fat person
It’s not the weight by itself. It’s the appearance of agility, strength, confidence and health. I lost about 15kg but gained a lot of muscle, so more like 20kg of fat.
Women definitely notice that. I get tons of random smiles in the street, my confidence is high and I exude a positive energy that surprises even myself.
I recently had health issues and lost 30 lbs in 3 months. I needed to lose about 10-15 for health reasons (my BMI was 26). Great – except my girlfriend preferred me when I was puffier, it made me more cuddly apparently. Some women are really into dad bod.
I care more about personality than weight. If you can still move around fine and get out of the house to do things, it shouldn’t matter. I (28F) am a bit bigger and I wouldn’t purposely lose weight to please my partner. If they can’t accept you for who you are, it might not be the right person.
I’d rather go out with a nice fella who matches me on a lot of stuff over a gym bro.
She liked you before the loss. Saw you on face time or pics or whatever. Still wanted to keep in touch and meet.
Meeting IRL 1st time will always be a little weird no matter anyone’s shape. It’s the first time you can wrap your arms around your person. So its nice to close the gap on the Fantasy of what’s it like?
Don’t worry about gaining it back. She liked you then and still likes you now. She’ll like you if you gain or yo-yo. Just keep up on your health. Appearance will follow.
And good job on losing that initial weight!
I am confused 😕 is she your friend or a romantic interest? If it’s a friend it won’t matter at all. If it’s a romantic interest then it could be an issue depending how much weight you gain.
It’s tough to care for somebody. Who’s very self-conscious about their weight.
I’m not saying it’s impossible. It’s just extremely difficult.
Yes, weight matters a lot to many people
for me- somewhat but it all depends on the person
Congrats on staying committed to something! Whether the results show or not, your effort is huge. You deserve to be loved & respected either way. Not in spite of your appearance, but regardless of it
Also, just be careful with posts like these. We already know what a majority of the answers are gonna be, & they’re not great. Don’t let it get in your head. Like i said, you’re a valid person with extra weight, or less
Good luck out there friend
I personally dont care, it really comes in second, most important is your character, thoughts, how you treat other ppl, how you make me feel, how comfortable i am around you.
Most people are pretty easy to read on how significant a partner’s weight is to them. If she knows you’re a bit bigger and wasn’t offput, she probably doesn’t place much significance on weight. Personally, I prefer “average” over a gym-body. If someone fluctuates a bit, I don’t mind.
What I’ve learned is that extra weight bothers some, while it doesn’t bother others, and some are even into it.
The golden rule: if she loses interest in you because you’re gaining weight, she’s not the one for you.
Physical bodies will change over the years, it’s a certainty!! A person must like you for your personality primarily
My boyfriend is my big ol’ Teddy Bear, and he was when we matched on tinder. It didn’t matter to me at all, still doesn’t. We are trying to eat better now and get out more for his health, but I don’t mind that he’s a big boy. The right person isn’t going to leave you for gaining weight.
Second weight is important but care is much more important. A few extra kilos that are well cared for makes a lot of the stuff of the poorly cared for skinny… I’m thin and small in size, the giant I don’t know how much I might like him for example… height is a factor that counts
I dealt with this by going to my max weight before dating. During covid I got very slim and fit but I wanted someone who liked me at my max weight. To be honest I found that I like the women who like fat me more and that slim unusually good looking women are more likely to pursue me when I’m fat while plain and chubby women are more put off by it and can show some hostility or frustration towards me about being unhappy with their own weight when looking at me as a potential partner. Anyway, I got asked out by lots of women when I tried online dating fat and they were all really cool people. I lost thirty pounds after I met my partner. She asked me not to drop any more as she like my past partners thinks that I look more masculine and substantial when I’m carrying weight. I’m short and the added bulk makes me look bigger while when I’m slim I look kinda little. Anyway, it’s all good.
You would be surprised how very little it matters. Your personality, how you treat people, and how you are as a person are far more important
Yeah weight matters. If she gained 100 lbs would you still feel the same about her? What if she gained 18?
Most people have a limit to what they find attractive. Even in people they love and commited to.
It’s very rare for a person to find someone who’s 600 lbs physically attractive. Where is the actual limit? Thats different for everyone.
Usually if a person doesn’t just “give up” and become completely lazy and gluttonous, they will be relatively ok in the dating market. But nobody here can tell you what any particular person is looking for.
And the better shape you are in, the better your prospects will always be.
Most women don’t care about weight as much as most men do, probably because we’re more sensitive to beauty and body standards. Of course most people have their threshold but you’d do better focusing on being a decent person who treats her with respect.
A LOT. I’ve been fat, and now I’m lean. New life.
It matters but how much varies person to person. If you are bigger but in good physical, mental, and emotional state it will likely impact dating prospects less. Any of those are not in line it will likely impact more. Feel comfortable with yourself, be able to be physically active, those go a long way.
As a woman, I really don’t care about weight at all. I care about personality, connection, emotional intelligence. You’re a human, your body will fluctuate throughout your life. It will age, it will sag. There has to be much more than physical appearance in my book.
Being in shape is a lifestyle. Unfortunately, many, who get into a relationship tend to get complacent and comfortable to end up gaining weight. I don’t know many women who are ok with having sex with an overweight guy to where he blocks himself. Sex in a relationship is extremely important. The lack of sex, and excitement will kill a relationship fast.
Personally, I’m still in the gym 5 days per week, 300 grams of protein, under 100 carbs, regardless of a relationship or not.
Some, I prefer guy in my same height-weight proportions (5’9”-6.1”) (180-220lbs)