This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
36 comments
I’m a little nervous putting this out there but is anyone willing to do a profile review for me on hinge? I do pretty well as it is but I’m curious about feedback/improvements
I’m trying to maintain a balance of giving enough detail about the type of person I am and keeping it lighthearted: https://imgur.com/a/kCCrous
I wanted to hear what others think about this.
I matched with someone last week because the guy wrote something funny to one of my prompts. He’s not someone I’d usually consider (about 10 years my senior, divorced with kids), but we do seem to share some interests and generally want very similar things in a relationship.
My current concerns are:
Conversations got quite deep very quickly, that wasn’t the problem but now I’m having a bit of a harder time finding viable topics without wondering if it would start to sound repetitive. Also I don’t think talking in the app is as effective face to face.
The other thing is that he seems to be very into a lot of self-help, positivity type of books, sometimes the niche ones. Overall it’s not a bad thing. I’d like to have a partner who’s self-reflective, want to keep growing and have self-care capacity. But there are also other points in the conversation I’m wondering if that’s “too much” because the way it’s coming across makes me feel like is getting a little bit cultish.
Any thoughts or suggestions are appreciated.
When you’re at the point of a relationship where you’d like to “move things closer”, is it best to have a discussion on how to do that with your partner? Or is it better to nudge things along in that direction?
So for example, I’m close to the 4 month mark with my current partner, and I’d like to steadily move in a more serious direction with her. We had previously discussed sometime ago that we’re both looking at this long-term.
In the next few weeks I’d like to introduce her to my sister, a few of my friends, and maybe schedule a weekend trip with her. Should I space these out, to give breathing room? All of these things I’m gonna discuss with her ahead of time, but i don’t want to bombard her with escalations.
Continuing to work on accessing my romantic side. I’m approaching this process on my own and it’s intimidating as there’s obviously no road map to this growth. I’d love feedback or to hear from anyone who’s been on a similar journey. I’ve already gotten good feedback the last couple of days and of course I don’t expect to have the answers land on my lap, but hearing other perspectives has been immensely helpful in my growth.
I spend a lot of time thinking, rather than feeling. My default is thinking. I’d like to switch that to feeling. For now it’s a manual process. It’s more difficult when I’m in front of people, so for now I’m working on it during my nightly yoga practice and when I go on bike rides. And also while journaling. I’ll circle back to that.
Last night there was a woman I danced with who’s touch felt like velvet, so calming. I’ve danced with her once before, two very different styles of salsa. Last time was romantica, this time was a timba which is much more boisterous. I really appreciated how she had such a different approach to these two different styles.
Been working on giving more complements as well, mostly to my guy friends.
There’s one woman who’s kinda…wild. In ways. Who thanked me for “putting up with her,” but I honestly find her shenanigans endlessly entertaining. I feel I can trust her more because she just says the thing she’s thinking. There was something she said months ago that hurt my feelings and I told her at that time, and she came around and apologized for it. So like…there’s boundaries there, and I trust that she can respond appropriately if she crosses a line. It’s just nice not having to wonder what someone’s thinking.
Journaling. Sitting on my balcony around midnight last night, drenched in sweat from a night out dancing. Even when I was trying to feel, I was thinking. But after sitting for a while I was able to get into feeling. I wrote how my sorta-maybe-not-sure-crush makes me feel, I got:
Soft, sturdy, gentle, warm, hesitation, tension. (which by the way, I may see her tomorrow, her friend said she may go to this event I’m planning to go to.)
I then wrote this:
Orange crescent moon
Faded in the mist
A warm summer evening
Reminds me of a girl I still miss
Orange crescent moon
Fell behind the tree
Silhouetted pine
Painted on the sky
Is this a burgeoning romantic side of me? Or is it the beginning of my descent into insanity? Stay tuned to find out.
The guy I matched with before my trip to Iceland said he wanted to meet up this weekend, but now he said he has a family thing he forgot about, and next week he has to go out of town for work and is staying there through the weekend, so he proposed meeting up on 8/15 or 8/16. That’s so far away. It’s not like I have any other dates lined up, so sure, I guess that works, but it is annoying. He said he wants to assure me that he’s really been enjoying talking to me and he’s not making excuses or trying to avoid meeting up, this is just bad timing. But still, annoying. I asked if he might want to exchange voice memos or something in the meantime but he hasn’t replied yet.
Isopod Story Time (but I’m looking for input on this one!)
This one’s alllll the way back in high school, and there’s not a lot to it, but I’m curious about something.
There was this girl I liked, Natalie. She was a year younger, but we were in the same vocal music class. I’ve been a really shy fella most of my life, preferring to kinda keep my head down. I was the “parties are stupid” guy, every school probably had one. XD
Anyway. We were in small breakout groups, and she was in the same room as I was. I can’t remember the details, but I remember going up to her and just telling her I thought she was cute. Her reaction has always kinda stuck in my headspace… She was like, stunned, and her girlfriends were like, “Oh my god!!!” like cheering her on.
I never did anything further. In fact, I think it was one of my trademark “drive-by compliments”… Too shy to circle back. That’s kinda one of my problems.
But my question is this: Is that feeling of being stunned, taken back, flushed still something you feel? Or is it something you kinda grow out of? Cuz I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone act that same way to my words since. But I’m also not sure if I’ve had the confidence to be so direct since then!
I dunno. This is just kinda one of those weird little memories that lives in my headspace. I really want to step up to the plate and stop being afraid that interest and kindness will immediately be met with revulsion. I literally have no precedent to believe that!
My boyfriend and I are coming up on our first anniversary next month and we’re starting to discuss the logistics of moving in together! We will also be taking our first international trip together in a few months as well. I’m happy, he’s happy — I hope everyone receives this kind of peace in their life.
Met a guy last year on an app. Went on a few dates, but sent him a kind text that I just wasn’t feeling it.
I ran into him a few days ago and we talked about a mutual hobby. He suggested we do it together and I was down. He immediately texted making plans, whatever. Well the next time those plans turned into dinner at his place. I felt like that was a little too date-y and might send the wrong idea, but am I being presumptuous? It just feels like I said yes to one activity and it’s going beyond that
I’m in a semi long distance thing. Earlier this year when we met I didn’t pack enough clothes and they lent me a cardigan. Since then when I’ve tried to give it back they’ve basically said they don’t need it and that they like the idea of me having it.
Does this mean I don’t ever offer to give it back as long as we’re seeing each other? I like having their cardigan but they look so cute wearing it too I feel like they should have it back at some point.
Also should I offer them something of me that they can have when we’re apart, and if so, what? I think they might like a reminder of me too as I gave them a small packaged shelf-stable item a while ago and they said they still have not consumed it because they like looking at it and thinking of me 🥺
Why is it always that my closest platonic male friends are so on top of things, great communicators, excellent at planning, all things I want in a partner but there is zero chemistry on either side and we would never date, while the people I’m into are always terrible communicators and planners.
It’s not like the platonic friends are available and I’m turning them down or something, I think it’s pretty mutual that we are purely platonic good friends. And it’s not like I’m attracted to the poor communication style, it’s usually like I’m attracted in spite of it for other reasons but that stands out as a “ok this person may actually suck” flag. Annoying.
I had an amazing 2nd date recently. I’m hoping this works out! So firstly, when I got there he asked me to sit next to him not across from him, which is a great sign. The conversation was so easy, we got dessert at another place and it was like a sparks fly type of date at the end, he held my hand walking and the guy told me thank you for a great evening unprompted and kissed me. I think we both didn’t want to leave. I texted when I got home and he pretty much replied right away, now just waiting for him to reach out to me again. We talked about another date on the date and he seemed in to it
Booked another singles group trip between Christmas and New Years! Looking forward to it.
Might have to cancel it later down the year if things happen to keep progressing with the 39F I’m seeing currently, but if that happens I can take her on a trip around that time instead. It’s a win-win! I can cancel the trip and get my money back up to 3 weeks before the trip so I’m not worried about the money either.
Speaking of her, she brought me a gift from her trip! So I know she definitely wants to see me again. Haven’t heard from her yet since she got home yesterday, but I’m sure she’s just unwinding from her trip. She went on the trip with a friend and told me she was very much looking forward to some alone time after she got home. So I’m just patiently waiting for her social batteries to recharge. Hope to meet up with her over the weekend, otherwise I’ll try to see if she wants to meet up next week.
My first full week back into the world of OLD is in the books. Overall, it was…..okay. Mostly just matches that eventually went no where. But, I do have a first date scheduled for tomorrow so that’s something! I’ve been using hinge, bumble and tinder and figured I give them a ranking from worst to best based on match rate, match quality and matches that led to first dates. Worth noting, I use the same photos and prompts for all 3 apps.
Hinge: I’ve wrote about hinge in the past being my least performing app, but not with a lack of trying on my end. There would be whole runs where I wouldn’t get a single match on it. I just figured maybe the app wasn’t for me. This time around I’m happy to report my luck has sorta changed and I’ve gotten 4 matches on it! Now, 3 of the 4 ended up going ghost but at least one I still chat with. Side note though, does anyone else find the people on hinge are less engaging than the other apps? Or is that just me.
Bumble: out of all my time using bumble, it has always placed first for me. I don’t get the same amount of matches or likes that I do on tinder, but the quality has always seemed to be better (in fact, 3 of the last 4 people I’ve seen have all come from bumble). Surprisingly, this time around it’s just been middle of the road. 5 matches and only 1 led to a phone number exchange, the rest went ghost or stopped responding.
Tinder: probably the first time this app has ever taken the top spot. It’s always been number 2 for me as I tend to get more matches on there but the quality is usually never the same as it is on bumble. This time however, the quality has been….better and the person I’m meeting for a first date tomorrow came from here.
Now that I’ve been back OLD for a week the apps have gotten slower: I’ve noticed that when you first join you tend to experience a brief “boom” period that usually mellows out after a bit. I’m not sure where my dating journey is taking me this time, but here’s hoping is somewhere good.
[deleted]
Following yesterday’s post, I suggested to the guy we could speak when we next see each other in person rather than texting. He brought up our different communication styles and wanted to have the conversation over text. In the end, we agreed it was an incompatibility and have wished each other the best.
Feeling vulnerable because the person I’m seeing had to cancel last minute and we haven’t hung out since we slept together the first time. It was a really wonderful, intimate experience and I’m feeling a bit of a… but where did that go now that it’s been a week and change.
I think it’s just scheduling issues, and I have no reason to doubt the interest he has expressed, even if it’s not the sort I’m used to (the last person I dated was the “good morning, baby” type, which was nice, but did read a bit player-esque and my ex-husband was something of a clinger).
I know this is just the nature of early dating. Of course, I’m not sure what to expect from someone after half a dozen dates. Of course, I feel uncertain about where it goes, etc. That’s normal. Doesn’t mean I like it.
I do really like this guy. I just can’t tell if he happens to be in a busy phase or if he doesn’t want to make any space for someone else. I guess, in the end, only time will tell. It is amazing how easily those old wounds come up when they’re triggered. Means I have something to discuss in my next therapy session, I guess.
Does anyone else delete chats and voice notes after you’ve ended dating/ a relationship with someone. It’s a very painful but necessary step for me because I tend to reread and relisten to them a lot in the aftermath and I don’t think that’s very healthy nor helpful in the healing process..
[deleted]
I did stay strong and didn’t fall for the temptations of getting back into dating apps. I will be aiming for 3 years of no use of them.
Connecting with people naturally is just so much better and OLD will never match that energy.
I haven’t done this dating thing ever. So basically I am a teenager if you put it bluntly and simply.
And given I am 32 It really is difficult for people to believe me but it is what is.
Anyways I will just put the question as it is without much story or anything around it, except for one thing that I noticed –
Trying to befriend a single woman is quite different from trying to befriend a single mother going through separation/divorce.
What is the approach with latter?
I’m gonna be honest, I met someone briefly. She’s been going through divorce. Is a mother to a beautiful baby girl. We met couple of times. We have similar interests in things. But when I try chatting with her she’s literally on and off. At times for weeks. Then out of the blue appears back again.
Is this normal for women going through divorce/separation? Or is she just being polite/nice and maybe I misread it all. I mean out of the blue at times she replies back to my messages at 1 or 2 in the night!
Sorry but I really need help understanding this. Coz I genuinely respect her, regardless of everything. After what she has been through, after she has been a sole fighter for herself and her daughter, I genuinely respect her and only wish the best for her.
Please help/guide me
Went on a date with such a sweet and gentle guy. I really enjoyed spending time with him. Nervous to ask him out on a second date.
So I’ve transformed my body over the last almost 2 years losing just about 100 pounds. Now have a date tomorrow night with someone from the apps. This is pretty uncharted territory for me. Last time I can remember doing anything like this was my early 20’s. Already know i’m gonna be awkward, hope she’s chill lmao
Found another promising match and we’ve been getting along great. OH AND SHES CUUUTTE haha. I definitely learned from my last match, so we got off the app pretty quick and have a meetup soon. Now I know what ACTUAL interest looks like. They are initiating questions just as much as I am and sometimes beat me to the “good morning” text. Looking forward to talking on the phone soon too 🙂
Still early and this could go anyway, but its nice to pick up on things to remember for next time so I dont overexpose myself early.
maybe this is WAY to subjective to ask here, but I’m noticing a lot of hate toward unmanicured pubic hair — any idea why?
I’m continuing this week trying to improve my appearance. Went clothes shopping and got a new haircut over the weekend (and this time I went to a stylist, not just a barber – trying to actually have a hair style I can keep up with for once, rather than ‘just a nice haircut’).
I haven’t been to the dentist for a few years, so I looked up my old dentist online and couldn’t find any info on her. Tried searching for her old office, and also nothing. I guess she moved or retired post-Covid (she was in her 60’s so it wouldn’t be a surprise). I checked her office location on Google Maps, and it is now … wait for it … a marijuana dispensary. Great. Sounds like she closed her practice.
I guess my dental records went … somewhere .. and I probably missed a letter or email telling me where. I have no idea how to find that out. I guess my best bet is to just start over as a new patient somewhere, which means finding a place taking new patients, who also take my insurance, who have appointments that work with my schedule, who also …….
Why do people have to get old and retire? This sucks. Why can’t we all just live forever, and thus all of our personal services can continue in perpetuity? My old hair stylist also retired after Covid and it took a while finding one that I liked who understood my hair.
In other news, still trying to find the confidence to talk to people in my social groups. I haven’t been on the local Sunday morning group ride (cycling) in a while, so I might do that. They usually get 8-10 people, and I’ve been a part of the local scene for years now, so most of the regulars know me. I just feel like such a burden asking people to give me honest feedback about me … looks, appearance, body language, etc.
If anyone is interested in some data for July…
Conversations: 25 total (5 on Hinge and 20 on Bumble)
First Dates: 9 (2 from Hinge and 7 from Bumble)
(I had the apps paused while I was dating someone… That ended at the end of June so I unpaused and unmatched/deleted all my old convos to kinda reset. Hence some July only numbers for everyone. 😝)
I was having a great conversation with a guy on hinge and then he ruined it.
He asked me to hang out tomorrow and I said I couldn’t because I have plans but what other night works for him.
He proceeded to try and convince me to ditch my friends for him over the next few messages.
It just gave me an immediate ick especially when he said “tell them you want to hang out with a cute guy! They’ll understand”
Maybe I don’t prioritize cute strangers over my good friends??
Hi need some advice.
So I met this girl at a festival abroad three weeks ago. We were kissing a bit etc. She said she wanted to get to know “the real me” (I was drunk) We exchanged our phone numbers, then said our goodbyes.
Day later I messaged her. Knowing that I l probably shouldn’t but hey you never know. We were having good conversations over the app. Even exchanging hearts (she started with it and yes also romantically).
There was a day before that she wasn’t like responding at all. I asked her even she doesn’t want to talk anymore. Later I said that I liked her more than I probably should.She responded that she likes talking to me and for now we would continue talking.
Earlier on this week I was joking about calling her early in the morning. She’s a teacher and of course there is no school right now. So she tends to get up pretty late. I wake up early because I have to work. I called her early in the morning. She didn’t pick up, but she enjoyed the joke and said we would be calling soon and I day later I was learning her some things in my native language. To me that were signs things were going well.
Yesterday she told me that she had a migraine and needed rest. Totally understandable. Just messaged her that I hoped she’d feel better and wishes her a good night when I went to bed. She didn’t really respond until like 7:30 this morning. She said she feels better, was thanking me and the she would go on to sleep some more. I responded that I was happy for her that she felt better and wished her a wonderful day.
This afternoon at like 17:00. I got one reply “Thank you”. Not asking “how is/was your day” or anything. I replied that I just finished work for the day and that I was about to drive home. I asked her what her plans were/what she was doing.
Since then nothing again. Knowing her a bit she probably fell asleep or something. I don’t know what to do anymore. I mean the logical thing to do would be just ask her if there is something wrong/simply ask her I she wants to continue talking. But I feel like I have already done that. Honestly I am just ready to call it a day to today
Feeling grief tonight about the breakup of my most serious relationship. I’ll be traveling close to his hometown this weekend, a place several hours away, that I was literally about to move to when the relationship fell apart.
It was several years ago, and I’ve had a nice relationship in between. But the circumstances of that break-up were so traumatic that I still have never quite joined all the pieces back together, and still circle back to that grief and shock sometimes.
I feel embarrassed to still feel this way, as if it’s pathetic. But another part of me says it isn’t.
> If Darlene has just started seeing someone, she’ll enter her name into her contacts list, but every time this woman does something to piss Darlene off, she’ll delete a letter, like a game of Hangman in reverse. Once the poor girl is all out of letters, she’s also out of chances.
From **Maggie; or, A Man and a Woman Walk Into a Bar by Katie Yee**
not the most practical advice but gave me a laugh
I’m feeling at a bit of a low ebb today and I am blaming Hinge for it. I mean, I see so many comments and posts about guys not getting matches so it feels like the most unoriginal thing in the world, but there you go.
The twist is, I got back on Hinge in late April and over the course of about 6-7 weeks I got 20 matches. Y’know I wasn’t absolutely swimming in attention, but it was enough that I got several dates out of it which turned into people I was dating over June. I stopped swiping and even had to turn down a date because it was actually too much to keep track of (I couldn’t believe it either).
Well those situations didn’t work out, so I’ve now been back doing my daily swipes again for the last 3 weeks and have so far had one match where the conversation fell through after a half dozen messages.
I know I need to tell myself: the apps are hell, the algorithm doesn’t want you to leave. But fucking hell! This was working literally two months ago and now isn’t!
Is May just a particularly horny month for women? Everyone trying to find a summer fling maybe? What the heck changed in 2 months?
I’m in a real funk. My birthday is next week and it’ll be the first single birthday in three years… and was supposed to be my first birthday married. It just sucks how life can really punch you in the face without any warning.
My bf of a few months broke up with me… then I immediately found out no one liked him. A lot of the things he had been telling me about his life were not full truths or were manipulative. He wanted to slow down and take a break before he fully dumped me, even though he was the one rushing it. He told me he loved me super early and was telling people I was his girlfriend before he asked me.
My question is how do I NOT get love bombed again? Other than better boundaries and slower pace? Thanks!
Have you ever found out something about a person after your relationship ended that changed how you thought about them/your time together?
I was seeing my Nextdoor neighbor for a couple months last summer. Things kind of ended weird but not ugly. Weve always been cordial if we run into eachother and even text occasionally. For at least a few months though I was anxious about running into her, especially if with another guy.
Eventually that anxiety went away – though many times she seemed really disinterested in chatting at all, which I don’t fully understand. I know she’s an anxious person so maybe it’s that(?), but I’ve been nothing but friendly. It’s almost like she resents me but idk. So that still bugs me a bit.
Anyway, I think she has a bf now, who I haven’t seen, and now I’m anxious again about running into them when leaving or coming home and that sucks. And I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do.
I feel ashamed to say this, but I have had a lot of tough times these past few years, where the longing for a relationship gets deeper and heart-wrenching. That coincides with all my friends getting into a serious and happy long term relationship.
I am 31, have only had one serious relationship that lasted a few months and in which my ex was emotionnally abusive. I am highly pursued but nothing’s ever aligned : they don’t want to commit, so I walk away, they exhibit all kind of red flags, they’re moving or whatever …
Anyway. One friend specifically has been very empathetic and supportive through my last heartbreak (I had to walk away from a situationship). You could tell she really wanted it to work for me, for once. She also said this year had been full of “disappointments” for me, she seems compassionate.
But even though I greatly enjoy our time together, it’s sometimes very triggering to see her and I experience some of those “tough times” right after. Basic sentences like “**we**’ve been watching this or that show”, “my bf was very supportive and kind when I went though this or that” can makes me spiral. It doesn’t show, because I can compartmentalize and I feel genuinely happy for her. But in those moments, I know I will burst into tears as soon as I reach my car to go home.
I feel like a bad friend.
I haven’t met her bf for instance even though he’s aware of my existence (I had to feed her cat during their multiple romantic escapades).
I don’t know what to do. One one hand, I want to. On the other, I feel like it would crush me and make me spiral so hard.
Fortunately I do have long spans of time (weeks, sometimes months) where I am simply focusing on other areas of my life that bring me joy. And if you asked me on one of those days I would probably tell you “my single hood ? I am fine with it, it gives me plenty of times for my hobbies and a relationship will happen when it happens”.
But encounters with some of my friends are so triggering. It’s annoying …
Anyone else going through this ? How do you cope ?
Thanks !