Background: My husband and I have been married for 12 years, together for 17. Two nights ago we went out for a friend’s birthday (we’ll call her Jane). Jane is married to my husband’s childhood friend. They got married about a year and a half ago and they have not been doing well due to him breaking Jane’s trust. They’re in therapy, but it’s getting close to divorce. She is understandably very upset.
More background that will make sense later: My husband and I haven’t had sex in two months. I have recovered from an injury that caused a lot of bleeding during sex. A couple of times during these two months, I offered oral sex to him but he declined. He said he wasn’t feeling up to it when I offered and I believe him. I just want to make it clear this is not a sexless marriage. My husband also has some self esteem issues from prior trauma and he’s in therapy for that.
While we’re out for Jane’s birthday with some other friends, everything is fine until they’re a few drinks in (I only had one the entire night). Our other friends had to call it a night so it’s just me, my husband, and Jane. This is where things get weird. They start flirting in this weird power play for dominance. I don’t know how to describe it really. Jane says something about putting herself in a box (like horny jail) because it’s been so long since she’s had sex and my husband jokingly grabs her by the throat and says “yeah I’ll put you in a box.”
While all of this is happening, there’s this random dude that’s hitting on Jane. It’s karaoke night and the random guy serenades her and gives her this silly lap dance. So all fun and games right? No. It just keeps escalating from here. Later Jane grabs my husband’s hair and shoves him into the wall and he kind of moans. He says “if you grab me by the hair again, it will end with my dick in your throat” or something along those lines. This entire time I’m awkwardly laughing it off because I know they’re both drunk and they’re laughing. At the time, I think my husband is playing around trying to make her feel better because it’s her birthday and her marriage is in the trash. I didn’t realize it until hours later, my husband wasn’t giving me any of the attention he usually does. More flirting keeps happening and my husband asks me multiple times if I’m okay. I just quickly answer that I’m fine. If he’s asking me that multiple times, doesn’t that sound like he knows something is wrong and he’s just looking to see how far this would go?
When the bar is closing, I drive us home. Jane doesn’t want to go home because of things going on in her marriage. She’s stayed with us before so that’s not out of the ordinary. And of course it just gets weirder. Jane pushes my husband onto the couch, straddles him, and chokes him. My husband is enjoying this. I’m standing there dumbfounded. He kept saying how the dynamic was weird but how much he wanted it. Later while my husband is in the restroom, Jane tells me they are not sexually attracted to each other, but they’re both very sexually attracted to me (like yes… I know my husband is sexually attracted to me). He comes out and at some point, my husband says he wants to “throw us both down and fuck us” and says “go fuck my wife” to Jane. As soon as what was said involved me directly, I had to say something then. I said I think both of them sober wouldn’t do anything behind Jane’s husband’s (my husband’s best friend from childhood) back regardless of how much of a jerk he’s being and I wasn’t down to do anything when alcohol is involved. They said okay. What I said was a cop out, honestly. I wouldn’t be comfortable if alcohol wasn’t involved either, but I didn’t know how to reasonably voice that so I used alcohol as an excuse.
Later, I’ve come to understand I was dissociating at the bar and was not processing what was happening. I also didn’t want to come between whatever was happening because they’re two adults. I shouldn’t have to be the sober person to stop or otherwise prevent something happening by being a mother hen. My husband should know better. We had previously talked about how I was uncomfortable earlier this month when she had put her hand on his chest while laughing (she was also drunk then). He apologized for not stopping that.
So what would the night have been like if I wasn’t there? I feel grimy or ashamed, but I didn’t do anything so why do I feel that way? How much of this is being drunk and silly and not having had sex in a while and how much of it is something else? Is this going to happen any time he has a few drinks and someone gives him attention? I don’t know. I have communicated all of this to my husband once he was sober and he says he feels awful. He apologized and made us an appointment with a marriage counselor.
I’m asking the above questions and does it seem like therapy would even help? Has anyone else dealt with someone similar and what was the result? I’m having nightmares about this. I’m so hurt and angry I can barely even look at my husband. Am I being unreasonable? Is it my fault for not saying I wasn’t okay until later (even though I wasn’t given the chance to really think about it)?
TL;DR: My husband and friend flirted all night with each other and asked me for a threesome in a roundabout way (where I’m pretty sure I would have been ignored so that’s not really a threesome).
Edit: It’s 4:30am here and I should really try to sleep. I’ve been trying to read and reply to all of your comments, but my head is pounding. I’ll pick this back up later on today. Thank you to everyone if I haven’t replied to you yet.
47 comments
Why. Do. Women. Put. Up. With. This. Shit.
Edit: if this isn’t fake, please leave him oh my god
Holy shit, I’m so sorry this happened. It’s YOUR fault for not saying something??? He can’t just be respectful on his own because he loves you? What the actual fuck. How is he proposing yall fix this, besides counseling? Is he going to stop drinking? Stop having communication with that couple? Tell the husband what happened since they’re such good friends? I’d get individual counseling for yourself to help sort out your thoughts and decide what you’re going to do.
You both need to cut Jane off. She’s no friend. What your husband did and allowed is disgusting. I wonder if the real reason her husband and her are divorcing is because Jane cheated on him with your husband. Seriously rethink your marriage. A man who actually loves and respects his wife would NEVER behave like that or allow another woman to disrespect his wife and marriage like that.
There’s an old saying. Sober thought is drunk talk. I think Jane is attracted to your husband. I also think your husband is OK with the idea of having sex with her.
Also, I’ve come to know that things that are said in jest, or as a joke are often meant as a trial balloon for what was said.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband, and set some clear boundaries with him and Jane.
You cannot unhear what he said and she has crossed many boundaries… while you watched. She needs to no longer be in your life, and that might also be true of a husband who so blatantly and disrespectfully acts this way in front of you. But even if you weren’t there, this would be appalling.
Honey, don’t put up with it any more.
When you first said they were flirting, I imagined flirting… this… this is just something else entirely.. this has crossed the line of flirting so much that the line isn’t even visible anymore…
I understand that you were uncomfortable and unsure what to do and dissociated and kinda froze, perhaps he they took that as a green light but your husband should definitely be able to know what the lines are and that you weren’t ok with it, even though he was drunk.
I am not surprised that you can’t even look at him… neither could I. It sounds like he didn’t even apologise after sobering up and is acting like that was totally normal…
Processing it in therapy would definitely be useful for you, it doesn’t mean it will make you want to look at him again but it would help you get clarity in terms of how you are feeling.
My question is for you, are you comfortable moving forward with your spouse after this situation? Are you willing to move past this, knowing this happened? Regarding Jane, I think she should not be involved in social situations anymore. It sounds like she did not understand or respect the boundaries of your marriage, and your husband did not enforce them either.
What the actual fuck did I just read… This has to be fake. If it’s not, this is grounds for divorce. He literally cheated right in front of you and tried to rope you into a threesome that it sounds like it was pre-meditated by those two (like all that sexual behavior was them trying to turn you on or something) WITHOUT I’m assuming ever discussing anything like this with you in the past. Nope nope nope. You can try counseling, see if it would help, but you need to be brutally honest about how this all made/is making you feel and how you would be well within your reasonable rights to divorce his ass for this. Make him come up with a plan on how he’s going to fix what he fucked up, if you even want him to.
For perspective, I’m a 42m.
“At the time, I think my husband is playing around trying to make her feel better because it’s her birthday.”
I literally said “what????” louder then my usual tone when I read this. This is so whack that it’s hard to know where to start. First of all, you have a very loose grip on “playing around” if it involves them mind-banging right in front of you while giving you a play-by-play of their desires of their role-playing. Telling another woman, even your friend, that he would stick his dick in her mouth is not “trying to cheer her up”. This is lust that normally goes unspoken.
Alcohol/being drunk doesn’t give somebody new desires. It removes their inhibitions that was always there.
I’ve been drunk off my butt when I was younger and I didn’t act like this with other women.
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“And of course it just gets weirder. Jane pushes my husband onto the couch, straddles him, and chokes him. My husband is enjoying this. ”
Nobody would disagree that cheating while being drunk is still cheating. Many people believe that there are different forms of cheating. To me? They were cheating right in front of your eyes. I literally said “what?” outloud again.
This is not “normal” nor excusable. Don’t let them blame it on the alcohol.
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This woman is not your friend. She uses alcohol as an excuse to be forward with other men. I sincerely doubt your husband is the first person she’s pulled this behavior on….while still yet being married to somebody else. Every day you continue this “friendship” you are letting her spit in your face.
As for your husband, I don’t know what to tell you other than you are completely in the right.
I don’t understand how in the HELL you aren’t freaking out more? I am not married, but my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. If a friend was straddling him, choking him, pushing him around, touching his hair, and making these comments, he AND that friend would be out of the door soooo fucking fast.
Stop downplaying this, drunk or not, my partner and I have both been blackout drunk and have never pushed the line like this. And friends should never cross boundaries like that either, whether their marriage is messed up or not. It’s disrespectful, gross, and the alcohol is a pathetic excuse.
I’d also be wondering if something has been going on with them already, because this seems preplanned almost. But obviously I wouldn’t know.
So you just let ALL this disrespect happen in front of you? You cannot be this naive at your age. Your husband IS on the verge of physically cheating on you, do you think he’s going to care about his “best friend” while he parks his bus in a new garage? Please Stop trying to downplay ALL of this!
He said he was going to throat fuck your friend right in front of you. This can’t be anything other than rage bait. I just can’t fathom in real life someone would put up with this
Your husband and your friend kept flirting with each other, and your response is, “Maybe therapy would help.” I’m sorry, but I can see why they felt comfortable doing all of that in front of you. You need to set boundaries and let people, especially your husband, know that you don’t like this behaviour and won’t stand for it. Moreover, it sounds like it’s not the first time they’ve done something like this, so you’d better talk to your spouse and ask him what that was all about.
Also, from what I’m reading, your friend, who is getting divorced, yet is comfortable doing all this with other men, maybe she’s the reason why they’re getting a divorce. All in all, distance yourself from her; she doesn’t sound like a genuine friend. I’m getting a feeling they’re doing something behind your back, so no contact for now is better to see if your partner is cheating on you.
Girl, if you have any self esteem left- use that to lead to door and run out fast from this disgusting piece of poop.
This sounds like some smut story that ends in a threesome.
And it seems that this was the whole intention all along – if it really happened. Your husband asking if you are ok was checking if you’d go along for it to happen.
You need to talk to your husband and ask him what was going on in his mind. Does he really want a threesome with his best friends wife and you? Did he really think that you want that? And so on. This whole situation is nothing reddit can help you with. You need to communicate with your husband and be clear about your boundaries.
That was foreplay not flirting. A massive breach of trust by both your husband and friend. Lay that out to your husband and cut off this “friend”
You almost got yourself into a threesome with your inaction. It’s time to lay down the law
IF this hard to believe ridiculous night even happened as you say, then you need to cut contact with Jane, both of you, forever.
There has defenitely been some inappropriate contact or flirting between these two before this…
Trauma and therapy are not excuses for shitty behaviour! Seems more and more people are weaponising therapy and its jargon.
Your husband said he would put his penis in that woman’s mouth, and then let her straddle him in your home. He told another woman he would like to have sex with her, in your home. Its honestly as good as cheating to me. Kick him out of your home. I know you froze at the time, but it’s not too late to react
They’ve probably cheated with each other and are trying to line up some gross threesome so they can fuck each other openly with your permission. Both are 🗑 & neither has any respect for you. Unbelievable your husband would entertain or say that shit and it has clearly happened before otherwise he wouldn’t have been so easy to go with it.
Excuse me but wtf?! What kind of pushover are you to just sit back and let them make clear sexual advances to each other?! Girl stand up!
Ask your husband to meet with Janes husband for a night out this time. Tell him you want to mimic what they did so you can have a fun time as well.
Really do it or not but,
Then divorce him.
I don’t want to victim blame here, because this is all 1000% inappropriate and on both of them but I truly do not understand why — when your husband *repeatedly* asked you if you were ok with them flirting at the bar — you *kept saying you were fine*. You should not have to keep them from cheating right in front of you also should have been honest with him.
Literally everything they did and said is super inappropriate and while I don’t think you should have had to be the one to stop them and they shouldn’ have done it at all in the first place — I do think you need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself. They likely thought you not saying anything and in fact *saying you were fine with it* was a green light to keep escalating it.
Set boundaries, stop being friends with this woman, and tell your husband to shape up or ship out. If he ever wants to discuss even the possibility of a threesome, he needs to *talk to you about it first and get explicit consent* not just instigate it in front of you and expect you to go along with it.
Shocked or not, you had numerous times to tell them both to stop and that it kept continuing, and escalating in your own home is beyond me……you need help for this alone. They asked you a few times if this was ok/are you ok and you said yes….your self respect is gone.and you made yourself a doormat. That you haven’t spoken to/freaked out at your husband yet…when are you doing that? If there is any coming back from this violation, “jane” needs to be completely cut off….and you need to start getting angry and tell her off as well. If she is married to your spouses childhood friend and they are headed towards divorce, this should be easy for your spouse to do to save marriage. Find your voice! You matter! Big question… Did you ask him his feelings if you had done that to his childhood friend, would that be acceptable to him?
Open your eyes, he is already fucking Jane. Leave him to that mess and go find someone who will treat you with respect.
My guess is they’ve already had sex with each other, prior to this
If you weren’t their id bet money they would have hooked up in the bathroom or someone’s car.. big yikes
Why the fuck did you let that happen in your house.
Sure they aren’t already cheating, because it will happen if not.
Break friends with her in front of him. Tell him if he wants her he can take his shit now and leave.
You need to put an end to that friendship NOW. As for him,
I can believe you stood by and watched it, then let her come home with you then stood by and watched them do that in your home.
That beech would have been dragged off and out of the house by her hair if that were me.
Thats foreplay not flirting.
Bruh, well Jane would no longer be my friend and that man would no longer be my husband. Her marriage is in shambles so wants to ruin someone else’s. Nah, don’t put up with that shit from either of them. He _literally_ told you be wanted to fuck her, so how are they not sexually attracted to each other? With the way Jane is acting is the reason her marriage is over because she cheated on her husband with yours or other men? Cause it sure seems like it… Since they were so comfortable doing this it’s clear they’ve done it before imo.
Aside from the very raunchy flirting (in public!) let’s focus on what happened at home. Jane told you they’re both attracted to you, then your husband suggested a threesome. Sounds like there may have been some plotting behind the scenes. Not sure if they thought the flirting was foreplay for you (good old alcohol) but don’t couples usually discuss a threesome first? A lot of things are out of whack here and I don’t think you can blame alcohol for much of it.
“Love is blind” is a saying for a reason. We will always try to justify the behavior of someone we love before we believe the blatantly obvious atrocity on full display, right before our very eyes. This is why we have forums like this Reddit one. To have other people affirm what we know, that we already know.
I thought this would just be about flirting, what the hell? Literally the only way they could go further is penetration, i’d have been angry beyond belief even just from the talk
Updateme!
I think they both conspired to have a threesome with you ahead of time and that’s why she came home with you. It was a plan. They might be having an affair already. Check his phone. That’s crazy.
Sounds like my friends husband, he left her for the friend
I think they had sex while you were asleep.
> I was disassociating at the bar
Mate I was disassociating just reading it. I cannot comprehend how anyone could come back from this.
The ‘friend’ would absolutely be gone from my/life. She would no longer be allowed around either of us, blocked from phones etc.
Does your husband have an alcohol problem? Does he go out often without you? Because if he acts like that in front of you can you imagine what he does when you’re not there.
Do you have a therapist? Maybe one that could work with you on speaking up in uncomfortable conversations.
How is your husband behaving since you called him out on it?
She slept over?? Are u sure they didn’t have sex while you were asleep? Why let her stay there after what happened? How did she act once sober?
You feel this way because… like you said “It was a cop out”. Everyone can say this is how they would react in the moment but something just takes over. It’s not your fault that you didn’t have a huge reaction. We react in a way we feel we need to, to just get through shit.
I’m so sorry you went through this OP. This shit is not normal and the way they were speaking to each other is fkn disgusting, with you right there! This is insane and honestly idk how you come back from that.
Yeah sorry but your husband and your friend are either fucking or talking about fucking behind your back and pulled these weird ass moves to try and get you into a threesome so they could fulfill what they want with you there
I would be cutting them both off but that’s me.
My dear, get this B* out of your life. She is not your friend. She will obliterate your marriage if given the chance. Do not stand there and laugh when stuff like this happens as if you are in on the joke. Be strong, find your voice, say “this is extremely inappropriate, I’m going to need you to stop”, and *do not* take the heifer home with you!! I suspect she was probably the guilty one in her own relationship.
A good man would have shut this shit down immediately. He is not one. He can’t blame the drinks either. I feel so awful for you!
So your husband said he was going to throat fuck his friends wife and then she got on top of him and dry humped him and you’re asking us what exactly?
They’re having an affair and they’re at the stage of the affair that they are letting you know.
Do you want to be married to a man who cheats in front of you or behind your back? Debatably you’re married to a man who does both.
Your husband should never be around Jane alone. Do you have any idea what the two of them did after you fell asleep? And she stays at your house often because her marriage is in shambles?
They did this right in front of you. Imagine what they do when you aren’t around?
Jane would not be welcome at my house anymore.
So Jane & your husband have been fuckin for how long & just got drunk & let the cat out the bag? There’s no man on earth, aside from my husband, I’d feel comfortable touching like that…BECAUSE WE ALREADY DO! Time to look further into things.
I think he’s already sleeping with her.
Let your husband read this post and the responses. He should have never acted like this. He certainly has no respect for you or the marital vows you took. He will ( if he hasn’t already) cheat on you. He is not in a committed relationship only you are. And your friend is his friend obviously. Something tells me you already know this in your gut.
You need to wonder why your husband felt so comfortable telling another woman she’d have his DICK IN HER THROAT. Not only that but saying it RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU??? Leave. Run. Do not look back. Tell that snakes soon to be ex husband IMMEDIATELY.
You just witnessed first hand why this woman is on the road to divorce, and she is trying to get your husband to copilot.