I (M30), have a friend (F30), who is about to be engaged with a man (M32), who is literally giving off all the red flags. To give a bit of a background, my friend she hasn’t had the best experience with dating. Her last boyfriend cheated on her on multiple occasions. Her current boyfriend, the first time I met him he seemed nice. We had a good conversation. She is also the kind of person who has a very structured plan. For example, he hasn’t proposed to him yet, but she already planned how the proposal would happen for months. They finally bought a ring, but it almost feels like she wants to control the situation as much as she can. Again, not trying to blame her just providing a background.
Now on to the boyfriend. I was talking to my friend over anger issue because I experienced anger issue from a friend of mine recently. She told me what my friend did was nothing, compared to what her boyfriend did. I asked her for details and she told me that he would publicly get into argument with strangers. Most common is road rage and he has gone as far as getting out of his car to start an argument or demand a fight. I immediately told her, yeah that’s bad. At first she defended him, but few weeks later when we met, she finally admitted that it is an issue. I asked her if he tried therapy. She told me, he did but it didn’t help and refused to go back to therapy. He cited to her that it is been an issue since he was a teenager. I told her that people develop anger issue but citing not getting help or the fact it has been there forever is not the right answer.
He also recently got into a fight with a man while standing in line at an amusement park. She kept on telling him to stop in front of everyone but he just wanted a fight.
She also told me something that was disturbing. One time she was making dinner for them. She asked in the morning if he was okay with what she was cooking. He said yes. But when he came home he changed his mind so he went to get fast food. He comes him and brought some fries. She asked if she could have any and he said very rudely and loudly no. I mean it’s just a fry but it’s also how he delivered it that bothered me. He also has the habit of drinking two cans of beer everyday and it bothers her because that’s a lot alcohol and it ruins the appetite.
This past weekend I asked her point blank had she tried to get him to therapy again. She said she tried but he doesn’t want to. I told her that she should really get him to get help if she wants a future because she doesn’t wanna look back in 10 years and realize it was a mistake. I even told her to give him an ultimatum, which she doesn’t want to do. Because she told me she did a lot of that in the beginning of the relationship and came back anyways and it feels like it has no value.
She also told me things like sometimes she just can’t stand him or wish they can just be in a relationship but not live together. I have never been in a long term relationship so I don’t know if that’s normal, doesn’t sound like it.
Another thing she mentioned. Her boyfriend was married before. The wife ended the marriage because they couldn’t get pregnant. But after my friend and her boyfriend became official, her boyfriend’s ex went online to say he was abusive. At the time I didn’t believe it, but after hearing all of this, I started to wonder if that’s the case.
I also come from a household where both parents had anger issue, a lot of domestic violence. I ended up having anger issue myself and it took me years of therapy and medication to have it under control. I know it can be fixed but I don’t think her boyfriend cares enough to get help. For the longest time I avoided women, fearing if I end up like my dad.
Basically I am asking, what can I say to drive the message home for her? Like I think she’s doing it because she’s afraid of being alone, but if she goes down this path she will be alone. I want to tell her and make her realize that she can find someone better. It might be hard, but this is not good.
TLDR: friend about to be engaged with someone with an anger issue and might turn abusive. Want to know how I can talk her out of it.