I 30F have been married with my 31M husband for 3 years now but we’ve been together for 8 years in total. Earlier this year, while I was pregnant with our second child, I found out that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker.
When I confronted him, he admitted that he cheated because he found “comfort and validation” in her. He said he felt like a failure, that I was too controlling, especially when it came to how much time he spent with his friends. (For context: he worked 9am to 7pm most days, barely had time with our child, and all I ever asked was for us to get more of his time as a family.) He also confessed that he felt inadequate because I was earning more than him. He said it felt like he couldn’t do anything right as a husband or father, and so he drifted into the arms of someone who made him feel like he mattered. Note that the affair did in fact last for 3 months or maybe more.
We separated for a while but eventually, we gave it another try partly because our toddler was so happy to have him back around, and partly because I needed to know that I truly tried, so if I ever decided to walk away, I could do it with no regrets.
Since then, my husband has resigned from his old job, blocked the woman in all of his socials, cut off his old circle who tried to justify his cheating, and now works remotely so he can be present with me and our son, he’s also been trying to omit past behaviors that could trigger me emotionally. We’ve also tried marriage counseling and individual counseling to address the issue effectively but temporarily postponed it.
Sadly, not long after reconciling, I experienced a stillbirth. My OB said there was no medical issue, everything was normal. But she believes the emotional stress I went through during my pregnancy may have played a major role. It’s a thought that wrecks me every day. Some days, I feel like I failed to protect our baby. Other days, I look at my husband and can’t help but blame him. I think, “If none of that happened… maybe my baby would still be here.”
And yet, my WH is still here. He’s trying. He’s gentle. Present. Remorseful. I see it.
But I also feel myself growing numb and slightly resentful. I don’t know if I still believe in the version of “us” we’re trying to rebuild.
There are moments of comfort. And then there are nights where I lie beside him and feel like I’m sleeping next to the person who broke me and changed the course of our lives forever.
So here’s my question to anyone who’s been through anything like this or knows anyone who went through the exact same situation as I did:
Is true change even possible after betrayal and deep loss like this? Is reconciling still worth it?
Or am I holding on to something that might hurt me all over again ten times more once the grief quiets down?