I've (36F) come to the clear realization that my partner (55M) of over 6 years is emotionally unavailable. I've battled over the years with feeling like my feelings were too much for him. Like anytime I need to discuss and process my feelings with him that he shuts down and either gets defensive, impatient and frustrated, or invalidates my feelings in a way where I feel like I'm now the problem for bringing up an issue that was on my heart.
I realize that he doesn't have the emotional capacity or willingness to be present with my uncomfortable emotions, and that when we have a communication block like this he tends to distance himself from me and will end up not calling me for at least a night, leaving me feeling alone and super Insecure.
When I've brought up my feelings about needing him to be available to listen and talk things through with me and that this will actually help me move through it faster, he again gets defensive and points out how he just wants peace and to not overanalyze every little thing. He expresses that I am constantly having an issue and that I can't just go with the flow.
I feel so invalidated and even gaslit in these situations, because I know I'm genuinely feeling something real that I want to talk about with him and just feel listened to, heard, and understood. And the gaslit aspect because he will emphasize how there is not an issue and that I am just overanalyzing things and making an issue out of nothing. This isn't true for me though. And I end up feeling like I am the problem and then I'll get nervous and eventually just shut down.
I know this isn't healthy and we are currently trying to transition out of a partnership and into a friendship, and I'm trying to adjust my expectations of what will be available to me in that friendship.
I'm wondering if others have gone through a similar situation in a long term relationship with someone like this. He is otherwise wonderful, loving, exciting, engaging, and I'm very attracted to him and our connection is so beautiful. I don't hate him or wish anything bad for him. I truly do love him. I'm just needing to adjust my view of him to reality versus fantasy.
Has anyone successfully kept a friendship with an emotionally unavailable person?
How did you move to a place of acceptance and peace that your emotional needs would not be met by this person?
Just going through the process of trying to let go and looking for any genuine and compassionate advice. No talking crap about him because I need to heal through the lens of love. My desire is to keep my heart open through this process. Thank you if anyone has anything to share!
TL;DR trying to let go of idealization of my partner who is emotionally unavailable and hopefully transition to a friendship. Looking for any advice or similar experiences.