I started texting this woman online. In week 2, she started sharing pictures. I found her average-looking, but instead of saying that, I commented on other things like her clothes, expressions, etc.
After some time, she asked if I liked what I saw and said I could even say meh or boo. I said I wouldn't say meh or boo even if it was true because it would be rude. I said I liked what I saw but that I would have to see her on video too.
She laughed and said, "So maybe you thought meh. I knew it." I said, "A couple of the pics were maybe meh :P" She laughed again and said, "Ouch, but yay."
A few weeks later, a video call happens, and I do find her physically attractive this time.
Fast forward to week 6.
From another discussion, she asks if she is physically attractive. At this point in time, I'm a lot closer to her, so I'm okay with being honest. I asked her if she wanted reassurance or realism. She said realism. I reveal the truth about finding her average at first and then finding her attractive on the video call.
The argument:
She did not like this. Her stance is that I should've been honest from the start. She feels that she was trying to assess if I was attracted to her, and that if I had been honest, things could've played out differently than they actually did.
My stance is that I was being polite to a relatively new person and did not want to hurt their feelings. My instinct was to be tactful. I also genuinely felt I needed to see her on video to be sure because, for me, I can find them more attractive from their live smile, mannerisms, voice, etc.
So was I in the wrong?
19 comments
Who cares. Have you even met? Stop being pen pals and meet..otherwise stop talking if you aren’t into her.
She is right. That being said, what’s next between you two ?
nah, you weren’t wrong. most people wouldn’t say “meh” to someone they barely know, that’s just basic politeness. did she actually want honesty or was she fishing for reassurance?
Yes you were wrong. You were rude. No one wants to hear that. It’s weird that you don’t know basic social skills and have to ask that as well
I don’t think you did wrong. I mean, you didn’t do anything offensive. That said, it also sends a message that you’re not that into someone, that it wasn’t love at first sight. That doesn’t mean anything, but at the same time it does because first encounters are about validation (looks: ok, personality: ok, kiss: ok) , you know what I mean?
Are you interested in her?
You’re not the issue. She clearly has her own issues with her physical appearance
You couldn’t win either way. She set you up.
When you take a step back, you realize you can’t be with someone acting this way.
You should have just shouted “The truth?! You can’t handed the truth!!!”
Two weirdos you were made for each other
Saying the pics were meh and that she’s average is a bit rude even if it’s true? But it’s perfectly acceptable to say you thought she looks prettier on video because you can see her expressions etc
Dude, the correct answer is that she was, is, and always will be drop dead gorgeous. Fucks sake, man.
“I’m the kind of person that relates physical attractiveness to emotional connection. It’s natural for me to really start appreciating someone’s beauty once I get to know them, and the more they mean to me.”
Don’t listen to anyone trying to rush you into meeting in person. If you’re serious about having a relationship and not looking for just a hook up, then take your time. I won’t meet someone unless we click online first. Also, if she doesn’t feel sexy, she will never feel comfortable being intimate with you. Always make her feel beautiful, no sense in telling her she’s meh. Doesn’t help anyone.
This is dumb
If you like her now and find her attractive now then telling her you thought she was basic in the beginning is 100% unnecessary and actually comes across as mean spirited. Do you want to sabotage things??
You weren’t trying to save her feelings or not be rude, you were manipulating the scenario to keep her attention.
Don’t date someone you don’t think is attractive, I don’t care about your video “people are more attractive from their movement” BS
This is just the same thing jealous women do to other women they’re jealous of for looking better than them. And having more options than them.
Ye I think even tho u be honest to her that is rude
Were you *wrong*? No. But by eventually being honest with her in the way you did and at the time you did, you never had a chance bub. Especially with someone who clearly has some insecurities about their looks.
I once found myself in a similar situation with a girl I met through OLD. She had a couple of knockout photos on her profile, but also a couple of only so-so ones (bad angles and lighting etc). When we first started chatting, I just pretended the photos I wasn’t so keen on simply didn’t exist. And then when we met IRL, I realized how grateful I was that I didn’t do something stupid and dismiss her for those couple of photos. Now here I am 13 years later and happily married to her. I eventually did come clean about my initial reaction to some of her profile pics, but by that time, we were already engaged
I really don’t understand your logic. Neither route you took was kind or delivered a message with compassion.
This is the exact opposite of tact