I honestly can’t believe I’m even typing this right now. This whole thing feels like I fell into some episode of a reality show.
So, me and my fiancé have been together for 3 years. He’s always been a little… intense, but I thought it was just passion or whatever. We got engaged in March, and our wedding is literally in two weeks.
Last night, he sat me down with this very serious look and said he had “something important to ask before we move forward.” My heart dropped, I thought someone died or he cheated.
Nope.
He told me that his therapist (??? I didn’t even know he had one) recommended he get closure on some “trust issues” before marriage, and that closure would come from me taking a polygraph test.
Specifically, he wants me to answer questions like:
Have you ever cheated on me?
Do you still have feelings for your ex?
Have you ever lied about your past?
I laughed because I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. Dead serious. He even showed me the appointment details! He booked the test already for this Friday.
I told him absolutely not. Not because I have anything to hide, but because I just don't want these "Tests".
He flipped. Said I must be hiding something, said “real love doesn’t mind proving itself,” and that I’m being “evasive.” I told him if he needs a machine to believe me, we probably shouldn’t be getting married. That made him go totally silent. Like… terrifyingly silent.
He’s now staying at his brother’s and hasn’t responded to any of my texts. My friends are split, some say he’s nuts, others say he’s just scared and I should give him grace.
I don’t even know what I’m asking. I just feel completely stunned and humiliated. Has anyone else been through something like this?
TL;DR: My fiancé asked me to take a lie detector test before our wedding to prove I’ve never cheated or lied. I refused, and now he’s not speaking to me. Wedding might be off.
32 comments
That sounds like projection.
Dump him and date someone more mentally stable
Ditch him. His controlling will never end.
He has cold feet, doesn’t want to get married and is creating this ridiculous test to blame you. Let him go, he is an idiot. If he needed these questions asked he shouldn’t have proposed.
Tell him,
I’ll do it if you do it first, if you lie, I don’t take it
And see how he reacts to that
>My friends are split, some say he’s nuts, others say he’s just scared and I should give him grace.
I’m inclined to agree with the ones who say he’s nuts. That’s crazy behaviour IMO, and would be an absolute dealbreaker for me personally.
I think he did you a giant favor by showing you who he is now vs after you signed marriage documents.
This is not the makings over a loving, safe or secure marriage. Give the ring back and find someone more mentally stable.
Ain’t no fucking way a therapist would say to him ” get your girl to take a lie detector test so you can get closure”.
Absolutely bullshit.
He is NEVER going to trust you, full stop. This is not a relationship that will ever be one you can be secure in, becuse he will always doubt your loyalty and love for him.
Do not marry him, and for the love of God, don’t get pregnant.
I would let everyone know the wedding is off and why.
Be glad the mask slipped off before marriage. Wedding should be off and you should be glad you dodged a bullet. Next time please don’t ignore the red flags.
Lie detector tests don’t work. This is ridiculous. It’s some kind of punishment fetish that he’s dreamed up. I don’t believe his therapist ever said that.
I think you should give the engagement ring back and run as far away from him as you can.
Having said that, if you dont want to do that, insist that he makes another appointment with his therapist and invite you to join. See if this therapist will really say to your face that you should do this. (I bet he won’t do this).
Edit to add: the fact that he is doing this 2 weeks before the wedding is extremely manipulative. Don’t fall for it.
I’m pretty sure that no therapist would ever recommend that. Therapists see it generally as very unhealthy if someone needs their partner to manage their insecurities and emotions, simply because it’s highly unhealthy and will lead to controlling behavior. A real therapist would have worked with your fiance on his trust issues by helping him develop healthy coping mechanisms, putting him through trauma therapy and things along those lines.
This means that your fiance isn’t just absolutely nuts, he is also very likely an abysmally poor liar.
See id be like ok, ill take one…. Only if you take one first. This … sounds like HE is the one hiding something. If he refuses, id be giving him
Back his ring. 🤦🏻♀️
Edit: come to think of it… give him back the ring now… like, is this idiot going to make you take a lie detector every time u leave the house now?? Ye… no, sounds like too much of a disaster to even start that journey with someone so insecure..
Be grateful this happened before the wedding. Much easier to get out now than to go through a divorce.
He has MAJOR trust and insecurity issues that HE needs to fix within himself. No lie detector test is going to resolve this, and no reputable therapist would ever suggest such a thing.
I am completely certain that he is lying about having a therapist and made this whole thing up. People don’t lie once off like this, you should be asking yourself what else he is lying about to you.
Good thing he pulled this shit *before* you married him. Run!
He is giving you a sound and rational opportunity to get tf out. Ignore at your peril.
Yes. This is over. At least you did not have to confront this after the wedding. Sorry.
That intensity you shrugged off would have shown up in other way and morphed into more controlling behavior.
In a year’s time you will be glad that he revealed that he’s like this before you got married.
You dodged a bullet. Congrats on your safety and freedom.
He won’t believe the lie detector test.
His excuse will be that they’re not admissable in court.
He will never, ever trust you, and it will ruin you and ruin him and ruin the two of you.
Girl.
Get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars that he pulled this stunt *before* you got married.
I’m sorry this has happened, but better now than later when he’s lost his mind for real. He is in the age window of when specific very serious mental illnesses can manifest themselves, and irrational paranoia is one of the first symptoms.
He may have saved your life by doing this…
Therapist here, no therapist would tell a client to do that. No therapist would suggest such a thing. If I had a client seeking *closure* I’d encourage them to speak about their worries with their partner, to communicate and understand that this is *their* problem if their partner hasn’t done anything to warrant distrust. If he’s just paranoid that’s on him to manage.
If you say yes you are giving up power, trust, autonomy, and respect in your relationship. This man is not a partner, and unfortunately it is around times like getting married or having a child that partners often show who they are under stress or while about to make commitments.
If he’s gone silent, move out.
That’s his answer.
He didn’t want to marry you. This is his escape.
Fuck no. Dump this toxic red flag.
Be so, so grateful you found out who he is before bring legally tied to him. Never marry this man.
A relationship without trust is nothing. If he doesn’t trust you, you’re right that you shouldn’t be getting married. And I don’t know of any therapist that would suggest a polygraph test. If anything, he needs a therapist for his trust issues.
You need to take a step back from this relationship. Stop texting him. He’s giving you the silent treatment anyway, which is incredibly immature. Ask yourself if legally tying yourself to this one specific man is a good idea.
Rushing into marriage with someone is a bad idea, but worse when they don’t trust you.
In addition to your unhinged fiancé I’m wondering why half of the people you have as friends would accept this type of behaviour and even suggest entertaining his request.
Thank him for showing you how toxic he is, and bid him farewell.
It’s okay to cancel the wedding. It’s okay to trust your gut. So there will be a deposit lost and wedding expenses to pay for..it’s better than paying for this for the rest of your life. Seriously. You will get over your embarrassment and humiliation, but will look back in years to come and realised you dodged a massive bullet. No man that loved you would put you in a position like this. It’s just awful.
Definitely don’t do this. As a side issue, these tests are not scientifically valid even if they are run by experts. In other words, they don’t work. But in this case, you have no idea who is running it, what their agenda is, or how they will interpret the results.
This feels abusive. It’s a valid reason to end the relationship.
A therapist never said that to him.
Dont let him test you for the rest of your life.
If he doesnt wanna get married cuz you dont wanna be tested cuz he has trust issues- so be it!!!!
You dodged a bullet or he is going to be forced to come to terms with the fact that tests in relationships are unacceptable.
Lie detectors are not accurate. It’s absurd to demand one. It won’t offer the reassurance he thinks it will. The next step if you pass it would be, “You looked up how to cheat the machine!”
This guy is not fucking worth it.
He will never trust you . I would take the lie detector test. Prove that you are being truthful, then drop his ass. I called off my wedding 2 weeks before it. There were 200 ppl invited.
Tell him he goes first and the first question is, did a therapist actually recommend you do this.
But in all seriousness, no. This is not a reasonable ask, and you are absolutely within your rights to say no. Think long and hard about whether you can deal with this kind of behaviour for the next fifty years.