My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He’s been my happiest relationship, and he’s my best friend. I feel at peace around him.
He recently joined the USCG. When I first learned that it was something he was looking into, he didn’t tell me himself. I overheard his sister, who works for the CG ask him a question about a meeting they had scheduled with a recruiter while I was on the phone with him. It was my first time hearing about it.
for context, even before meeting my bf, I always felt that I would never want to be in a military relationship, and I also have never wanted to be in a long distance relationship, as I don’t think they are dynamics that I could manage mentally and emotionally.
I was initially very distraught over the idea. I was also in shock how abrupt the information came to me, and that he didn’t tell me.
After that point, bits of pieces of the process unfolding more and more appeared when I was with him at his house, or in conversation with his sister. It was a hard topic for us, and for me mainly. As much as I wanted to be a supportive partner, I felt like the lack of knowledge, not only mine, but his, and lack of communication between us about it fueled a lot of anxiety for me. I expressed my feelings very clearly to him, but no matter how I felt I couldn’t bring myself to say the words “don’t do it”, as I knew how selfish I’d be to say that.
When we talked about it throughout the months leading to his basic training leave date, it was rare and sparse. The conversation would feel difficult to navigate and I felt that he would swiftly move on from the topic. I was scared to further express how I felt out of fear of being unsupportive, and anytime I did it didn’t feel productive, but instead, awkward, and I somehow always ended up thinking about he felt hearing my feelings, which was insecure and bad about himself. I’d feel bad and essentially feel like I was carrying the weight of my own feelings, as well as how my feelings made him feel about himself. He’d tell me that he is scared too, and that he is doing it for a better future, for us, and that we could make it work if we love each other.
I felt stuck with the weight of my feelings for a while as we continued to go through the daily motions of our relationship leading up to his leave date. The closer we got, the heavier it felt.
I broke down one night before he left my house for the night. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I was scared, and I felt like our lack of open communication about it (the potential distance, lack of communication, lack of physical connection, our future, the what ifs, etc.) made me feel alone in the struggle. He would barely talk to me about how he felt, or initiate a conversation about the hard parts to come, cause I knew there would be hard parts. It was only when I initiated those conversations, but it would stress him out and the focus would change. When I broke down, he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say, or how to comfort me. All he could say was that “he thought it would work out”.
The next time I talked to him, I was more level headed. I had processed a bit, and openly expressed how I’d felt I was put in an unfair position, that the lack of teamwork and communication felt isolating, and that we were entering this chapter naively and unprepared for the transition. He shut down, and immediately became stressed about the convo. He asked why I couldn’t bring it up sooner, and he said that he “was just trying to do what he thought was best by joining”, even though I was solely trying to focus it on our lack of communication. Talking to him in that moment was disappointing, and him not being able to reassure me or talk to me due to being too consumed in his head made me think of how it would look after this transition, or long distance. We had his dog at the park who was escaping and making things worse, which frustrated him so much he lashed out in anger.
I felt beat. like I had started a fire, even though I felt I was doing a service to myself by being honest. I said I wanted to leave. The conversation got more difficult before it got better. Since then, we’ve talked more openly, but it was already just a couple weeks before he left. It felt like it was too late.
He got to boot camp 5 days ago. We haven’t gone a day without talking in the whole time we’ve been together, and rarely ever went more than a few days without seeing each other, so this has been hard. Everyone is telling me I need to be supportive, and that it will all be okay, that I just need to get used to it, and how hard this is going to be for him so I need to hold it together. But i’m mostly scared for what comes after boot camp. the change it will bring. Change I didn’t commit to, possibly leading me to having to decide between being near him or my own life decisions. As much as I hate to not be with him, I hate the thought of my life path being dictated by his career more, and I know that’s part of the package in a military relationship.
We don’t know where he’ll be sent after training. Home, another state, somewhere like Hawaii or Guam. but even if it is home, I still feel uneasy about how he made this decision and how to go about it. If he gets sent somewhere far, I don’t know if I can bring myself to drop my life to follow him. But the thought of not being with him breaks me. I don’t want a long distance relationship.
I’ve felt a range of emotions: Sad, angry, attempt at acceptance, loneliness, numbness. but mainly sadness.
What should I do, right now, but also moving forward?
TL;DR: My(23F) boyfriend(26M) joined the CG despite my personal feelings about it, and our lack of communication throughout the process of joining has made me feel isolated and created doubt in the success of our relationship, and my happiness in the relationship.