It is past 2 AM where I am, I cannot sleep, I have been crying for hours. I broke up with my boyfriend about two months ago. I was just fed up with his inability to establish boundaries with his ex-girlfriend and I felt disrespected. For example, he would always help her with random housework, help her find a job, she would call all hours of the night and day, and he would answer. The last straw came when he said he was busy one weekend and could not hang with me (he has children who he takes care of one week out of every two, and so our time was already limited) because he was helping a friend with housework. I asked if that friend was his ex-girlfriend and his answer was “maybe“. We broke up once and when he came asking for a second chance, I asked him if his feelings for his ex had been dealt with and he said yes, so I decided to give it another shot only to find out that he and his ex-girlfriend were still exchanging messages on Instagram. I felt disrespected and lied to, and I broke up with him. This is on top of his family and friends not liking me because I am not a southern belle (his family is a white republican Christian family from New Hampshire and I am a liberal Asian Buddhist woman from California.). This made him feel like he had to choose, and created a lot of stress on him that I internalized a lot. in any case, he recently texted me, and said that he still loved me and gave me a bunch of excuses for his past behavior. I made him apologize and take accountability for his past actions, he told me that he had bought me an engagement ring, but he never tried to fight for me, proved that he has changed, given me any sort of sense of safety or security regarding his friends and family, but I still love him, and my heart has been aching because I almost feel like we are at the precipice of happiness. I don’t want to ask him to get back together because I feel like it’s on him to change my mind or convince me that this time will be different. But he hasn’t done anything. I want him to fight for me. I feel like in my attempt to hold him accountable i listed all the things that bothered me in the relationship and that I moved on so maybe he thinks it’s not worth it to fight. reason i haven’t blocked him is maybe bc i hope he’ll come back? I don’t know what to do. Should I ask him to get back together? Maybe I can propose therapy? Why am I always so drawn to this man? It’s like an addiction. If it’s time to truly call it quits, how do I get over him?
6 comments
I have a similar situation with my long distance bf. He is best friends with his exwife. She remarried and had kids with the second husband who is now out of the picture. He warned my bf to stay away from his kids, my boyfriend refuses to listen.
He told me early on I have to accept his exwife and her kids as being part of his life.
It doesn’t sit well with me watching him prioritize his ex wife over me.
So I ended it. He keeps trying to come back.
So I know exactly how u feel.
You are standing up for your boundaries and I commend you on this.
No girl, you need to let him go. You are feeling all of this hurt simply because you will not let go. If he truly loved you he would not choose to spend his time with his ex over spending time with you. He would have stood up to his family for you. He sure as hell wouldn’t be still talking to his ex after you gave him a second chance. I can understand one chance, some people don’t truly realize what they have or how they feel until they lose it. But he did get that second chance and was still talking to her. Still choosing her over your relationship and feelings.
If he was going to change, he would have done it after the first time you left. I bet you anything if you went back he would still be talking to her and putting her before you. This is not the man for you. You need to accept that and block him. You are never going to be able to move on and stop hurting until he is completely out of your life and you know that his chapter is over in your life.
The sooner you cut it off and really let him go, the sooner you will stop hurting and be able to move on. You can find someone who loves and respects you and will never choose another woman over you. Do not settle for this man. Your life will be full of heartbreak, and you will be going through this pattern over and over again, sad and miserable every time.
When he continually crosses boundaries, LIES, and gives you emotional turmoil, why do you keep on giving him infinite chances? You should respect yourself more, be brave, and find someone that actually cares about you. You are drawn to this man because he knows how to tap into your emotional side and you aren’t logical enough to overcome it. And how do you get over him? You get back out there, go on dates so you’re too busy to think about him. Look for another man that actually has principles instead of a guy that poses his supposed Christian values. That guy is a manboy in my opinion.
Block block block…. I know this is so hard but you can’t move on to someone who deserves you until you remove this guy from your life. I’ve been there and it’s so hard and it never gets easier and you only feel worse.
Don’t listen to his words, listen to his actions.
Please don’t go back with him. I know it’s hard but he’s already proven he’s not the right one for you, and things will not get better even if he has an engagement ring now.
It sounds like a dubious situation, but the key here is to not let your emotions dictate your situation quite so much. In other words, take things slow. You’re going through a lot. There is no reason to rush into a relationship or think things can simply pick up where they left off. You have time to test the waters. Something else that will likely occur is you will question if you can trust this man. There has to be a point in your head, a line, where if you find yourself questioning too much, you need to just break it off. It sounds like his habit is to have a “backup” in case something else doesn’t work out or he can’t decide. This kind of situation does seem best to just move on from. Sorry to say.