Women who were “red flags” and realised it later, how were you and what made you change?
June 14, 2025
Women who were “red flags” and realised it later, how were you and what made you change?
20 comments
I used to be very reactive and defensive. I would never accept that it was my fault even if it was.
It was really hard to stop doing that. I didn’t grow up in a family that communicated. A lot of hard conversations over and over and over again until it clicked.
I have a few mental illnesses that make me emotionally reactive. And then the medications for them make me emotionally reactive. Not great. It’s taken a lot of therapy and a dedication to lifestyle changes that support emotional stability (sleep, exercise, laying off the substance abuse) for me to become introspective and self aware. I’m much better at keeping my cool these days.
I lost jobs, relationships and friends through my drinking. I didn’t really care until I found ones I didn’t want to drive away so I cut right down
I’m emotionally reactive. I get very explosive and have lost friends and relationships over this. Still a work in progress at that.
Another thing I have noticed is that I expect a lot. I know I’m willing to go the extra mile but people around me won’t even be around for that long. This seems to be the root of everything at my core.
i’d ghost people instead of talking about my feelings or why I lost interest. Thought avoiding drama was better but really I was just being immature. Therapy and owning my mess helped me grow up.
Oh I’m a red flag all over I dno how to change but i just stay away from men
I always openly said I was a red flag
I just don’t bring up my exes or other guys to make guys jealous anymore
I’ll say only what needs to be shared
Or I will talk about men I like exclusively with men I am not interested in
I had a lot of anger and fear. So I would avoid quality guys out of fear, and then get anxiously attached to men who didn’t want commitment. Therapy is great!
4 years of therapy to work on myself and disrupt the self destructive patterns I kept repeating. Therapy stopped nearly a year ago now, when it first ended I was worried about how to ‘do life’ on my own but now I’m so happy
I’m still a huge red flag.
I have two kids to two different men, own a staffy, drink Bundy, love horses and riding, am fiercely independent with few friends and even fewer desires to change that, and would rather shit in my hands and clap than ever live with a man again. I travel for work so I’m often away for chunks of time, and I own exactly own tube of lipstick so I’m no beauty queen.
You would think this would put men off, but nope 🤷♀️ Someone’s always brave/silly/reckless.
I have numerous mental illnesses including bipolar disorder type 1, and used to have bpd. I used to self injure and attempt suicide often. I was extremely sensitive and would get hurt very easily, so I tended to be controlling sometimes with ultimatums etc. in order to stop someone from hurting me. I would get overly attached and was codependent. I damaged partners’ property a few times, and was verbally abusive. It took years to get the right medicines but I’ve been stable for the last decade and it’s very rare for me to have any symptoms. I’m no longer verbally abusive, etc, and no longer have bpd at all. It tends to improve with age, and it totally goes away for some people I guess.
I was too much of a hardass. Annoyingly so. Still a hardass today, but irl I’ve tempered it and come across as much more pleasant. And patient. Can’t say I’ve wised up, but I’m a bit less black and white too.
Before I realised I have CPTSD, I would get upset with people over the wildest things, and it wouldn’t take much for me to feel distrustful of them.
Then I had a really nice ex and I was still treating him as if he was an ass to me, and that’s when I realised that maybe it’s not just the situation in front of me that I’m reacting to. That was really what started the change.
That was a few years ago now and I’ve gotten a lot better, but I still slip sometimes and get confused by my own emotions. I’m in proper therapy now. Long overdue but helping massively!
I was just the most awful person ever in my early twenties. Especially while dating. I had a rough childhood, I don’t feel like anyone really modeled any values to me (honesty, integrity, vulnerability, to name a few I had to teach myself). That left me with abandonment issues, anxiety anxious attachment and a lot of depression. Dating someone stuck in that funk usually means they’ll end up codependent on you. Which also led to extreme jealousy, manipulation and cheating, to name a few. Also— ABSOLUTELY lack of accountability from my part, everything was either my partners fault or my parents for not raising me better.
Anyways, I ended up hurting someone really badly. Someone who really really loved me in the purest and kindest way. And after him I kind of fumbled this guy I really liked. I lost a lot of my friends because I was so toxic and truly just wrapped everyone into my drama. But especially when you’re attractive, you tend to be able to get away with a lot of it.
I always knew something was wrong with me. I knew the things I felt weren’t normal or healthy. It took a few years to give a name to my issues and observe them. THEN later came my ability to actively work on them. I only was ever really able to grow when I had periods of being single and alone. Lots of journaling, reflecting and learning self vulnerability. Also— sobriety.
I’m not perfect, but holy shit am I a better person. Life really will keep repeating the same lessons until you learn them, and watching my growth happened once I watched myself not make those same mistakes. AND THEN this really cool thing happens where the universe ALWAYS rewards me once I overcome something that has hindered me in the past.
I was too controlling. Every thing had to be how I wanted it. Friendships and relationships. I stopped trying to make others what I wanted them to be. Stopped telling them to be a certain way and let them be them.
God, I was fucking insecure as hell and have such a reaction on everything. Thank god for my husband who never gave up on me.
My red flag was trauma. I wanted to be loved so I was an open book. Now I want to fix myself and be very picky as I’m not raising or fixing a mak ever again. Unfortunately men tend to think women with trauma are conduits for sexual abuse. I know better and I know I used to be to trusting.
Craved attention in little ways because I felt like I wasn’t receiving genuine love from anyone. Changed because I started to love myself more.
Also a bit defensive when someone blames me for things that I feel aren’t my fault but Ive learned to be more patient and understanding and take accountability.
As a teenager and young adult, I was insecure, jealous, and often criticised other women while accepting men’s opinions without question.
I’ve grown out of that mindset, but my mum’s recent visit reminded me where it stemmed from. She constantly made cruel remarks about women who were simply existing and enjoying their lives. It was exhausting. And a clear reminder that I need to stay mindful and make sure I never fall back into that behaviour.
20 comments
I used to be very reactive and defensive. I would never accept that it was my fault even if it was.
It was really hard to stop doing that. I didn’t grow up in a family that communicated. A lot of hard conversations over and over and over again until it clicked.
I have a few mental illnesses that make me emotionally reactive. And then the medications for them make me emotionally reactive. Not great. It’s taken a lot of therapy and a dedication to lifestyle changes that support emotional stability (sleep, exercise, laying off the substance abuse) for me to become introspective and self aware. I’m much better at keeping my cool these days.
I lost jobs, relationships and friends through my drinking. I didn’t really care until I found ones I didn’t want to drive away so I cut right down
I’m emotionally reactive. I get very explosive and have lost friends and relationships over this. Still a work in progress at that.
Another thing I have noticed is that I expect a lot. I know I’m willing to go the extra mile but people around me won’t even be around for that long. This seems to be the root of everything at my core.
i’d ghost people instead of talking about my feelings or why I lost interest. Thought avoiding drama was better but really I was just being immature. Therapy and owning my mess helped me grow up.
Oh I’m a red flag all over I dno how to change but i just stay away from men
I always openly said I was a red flag
I just don’t bring up my exes or other guys to make guys jealous anymore
I’ll say only what needs to be shared
Or I will talk about men I like exclusively with men I am not interested in
I had a lot of anger and fear. So I would avoid quality guys out of fear, and then get anxiously attached to men who didn’t want commitment. Therapy is great!
4 years of therapy to work on myself and disrupt the self destructive patterns I kept repeating. Therapy stopped nearly a year ago now, when it first ended I was worried about how to ‘do life’ on my own but now I’m so happy
I’m still a huge red flag.
I have two kids to two different men, own a staffy, drink Bundy, love horses and riding, am fiercely independent with few friends and even fewer desires to change that, and would rather shit in my hands and clap than ever live with a man again. I travel for work so I’m often away for chunks of time, and I own exactly own tube of lipstick so I’m no beauty queen.
You would think this would put men off, but nope 🤷♀️ Someone’s always brave/silly/reckless.
I have numerous mental illnesses including bipolar disorder type 1, and used to have bpd. I used to self injure and attempt suicide often. I was extremely sensitive and would get hurt very easily, so I tended to be controlling sometimes with ultimatums etc. in order to stop someone from hurting me. I would get overly attached and was codependent. I damaged partners’ property a few times, and was verbally abusive. It took years to get the right medicines but I’ve been stable for the last decade and it’s very rare for me to have any symptoms. I’m no longer verbally abusive, etc, and no longer have bpd at all. It tends to improve with age, and it totally goes away for some people I guess.
I was too much of a hardass. Annoyingly so. Still a hardass today, but irl I’ve tempered it and come across as much more pleasant. And patient. Can’t say I’ve wised up, but I’m a bit less black and white too.
Before I realised I have CPTSD, I would get upset with people over the wildest things, and it wouldn’t take much for me to feel distrustful of them.
Then I had a really nice ex and I was still treating him as if he was an ass to me, and that’s when I realised that maybe it’s not just the situation in front of me that I’m reacting to. That was really what started the change.
That was a few years ago now and I’ve gotten a lot better, but I still slip sometimes and get confused by my own emotions. I’m in proper therapy now. Long overdue but helping massively!
I was just the most awful person ever in my early twenties. Especially while dating. I had a rough childhood, I don’t feel like anyone really modeled any values to me (honesty, integrity, vulnerability, to name a few I had to teach myself). That left me with abandonment issues, anxiety anxious attachment and a lot of depression. Dating someone stuck in that funk usually means they’ll end up codependent on you. Which also led to extreme jealousy, manipulation and cheating, to name a few. Also— ABSOLUTELY lack of accountability from my part, everything was either my partners fault or my parents for not raising me better.
Anyways, I ended up hurting someone really badly. Someone who really really loved me in the purest and kindest way. And after him I kind of fumbled this guy I really liked. I lost a lot of my friends because I was so toxic and truly just wrapped everyone into my drama. But especially when you’re attractive, you tend to be able to get away with a lot of it.
I always knew something was wrong with me. I knew the things I felt weren’t normal or healthy. It took a few years to give a name to my issues and observe them. THEN later came my ability to actively work on them. I only was ever really able to grow when I had periods of being single and alone. Lots of journaling, reflecting and learning self vulnerability. Also— sobriety.
I’m not perfect, but holy shit am I a better person. Life really will keep repeating the same lessons until you learn them, and watching my growth happened once I watched myself not make those same mistakes. AND THEN this really cool thing happens where the universe ALWAYS rewards me once I overcome something that has hindered me in the past.
I was too controlling. Every thing had to be how I wanted it. Friendships and relationships. I stopped trying to make others what I wanted them to be. Stopped telling them to be a certain way and let them be them.
God, I was fucking insecure as hell and have such a reaction on everything. Thank god for my husband who never gave up on me.
My red flag was trauma. I wanted to be loved so I was an open book. Now I want to fix myself and be very picky as I’m not raising or fixing a mak ever again. Unfortunately men tend to think women with trauma are conduits for sexual abuse. I know better and I know I used to be to trusting.
Craved attention in little ways because I felt like I wasn’t receiving genuine love from anyone. Changed because I started to love myself more.
Also a bit defensive when someone blames me for things that I feel aren’t my fault but Ive learned to be more patient and understanding and take accountability.
As a teenager and young adult, I was insecure, jealous, and often criticised other women while accepting men’s opinions without question.
I’ve grown out of that mindset, but my mum’s recent visit reminded me where it stemmed from. She constantly made cruel remarks about women who were simply existing and enjoying their lives. It was exhausting. And a clear reminder that I need to stay mindful and make sure I never fall back into that behaviour.