What’s something you no longer tolerate in friendships?
June 10, 2025
As I get older, I’ve become way more selective about who I spend time with. Curious what your dealbreakers are now.
29 comments
Back biting. Stirring up petty drama. Being nice to someone’s face and shit talking behind their back.
Also, them expecting me to prioritize our friendship over my romantic relationship.
Inconsistency. My friend group requires consistency, and those who haven’t been are no longer part of my friend group. Getting rid of toxic people is a great way to take care of your mental health.
Clinginess. We’re all well into adulthood by now, it’s time to learn people have lives outside of you.
I don’t tolerate people who aren’t actually willing to engage in real friendship anymore! I think social media has killed a lot of people’s understanding of what friendship actually is lol.
I need friends who put in the effort. I am DONE with the pseudo therapy speak “I need low maintenance friends or I’m out”.
I need friends who understand that friendship is not always going to be easy, it’s not always going to be at a convenient time for you, that engaging with and talking about your friends interests is the bare minimum. I need friends who can understand that sometimes your friend just has more shit going on in their life and conversations might center around that for a bit.
To be clear- I am NOT saying that you need to have an unbalance dynamic in your friendships or put up with people treating you badly, but too many times I see people justifying being absolutely terrible to their friends due to a fundamental misunderstanding of what it actual means to be a good and true friend nowadays lol!
People who are constantly late.
It’s not cute or funny. It’s disrespectful.
Constantly bailing on plans after they were supposed to have arrived.
Gossiping.
Lack of initiation
Being turned down as soon as something better comes up.
The users. Many people are your “friend” when they need something. No more. I cut all those peeps out.
One-sided. I’m sick of being the one to reach out to talk and hang out. It’s really annoying so I just stop doing it and if I see a friend doesn’t reach out to me within days, weeks, months I end the friendship.
excessive validation and ultimatums when I refuse to give it.
no, I don’t know why you weren’t a bridesmaid in our mutual friends wedding
no, I’m not going to embarrass myself by pestering her about it
move on, I’m done talking about it
Being the mediator for petty personal conflicts. I don’t want to feel like a mother trying to get children to get along.
Friends who expect you to be there for them when they need support, but are either unavailable or unwilling to be there for you when the roles are reversed.
Friends that have no issue telling you everything you do wrong under the guise of “honesty” and get immediately defensive or argumentative when you try to bring up constructive criticism.
Only coming to you when they are in some kind of crisis and otherwise just forgets your existence.
Chronic lateness. I’ll never make plans with them again because I find it so fucking rude and disrespectful.
That thing where people have the thought process that because it’s right for them it must be also right for everyone else and anyone who deviates from doing exactly what they do is wrong.
Unsolicited advice or comments on my relationship. I don’t weigh in on friends relationships unless they specifically ask me to and even then I keep it light and I require the same in return.
Potentially controversial but people who value romantic relationships above all else.
Platonic friendships are honestly just as important (and in some cases, even more important and meaningful) than people are willing to give them credit for and I don’t want any friends who don’t acknowledge that fact.
Too many times I’ve seen the single friend or been the single friend cast to the side and forgotten about the second somebody gets into a relationship. I need friends who are going to be a good friend to me regardless of their relationship status.
Jealousy in any shape or form. I pull back immediately and stop sharing anything/everything.
Currently trying to leave a toxic friendship. I no longer tolerate being disrespected.
I’ve actually kinda gone the opposite way for friendships than I’ve gone for relationships. Relationships take a lot of work, so my standards for what I’ll tolerate have gone way up.
But the older you get, the harder it is to maintain friendships. And it doesn’t take a lot to be a friend to someone. Head over with some carrots and hummus and watch the Tony’s. Get together at 8PM on a Thursday to play some magic cards. Show up with your powertools and help them build a playhouse some Saturday morning. And if they annoy the piss out of you sometimes, who cares? It’s worth it to have people in your life with a shared history.
Like, I’m telling you, I went through a divorce and almost all of my friends abandoned me for like 6 months because my wife told them a bunch of lies, and then they got to see what she’s like when I’m not managing her entire social calendar, and after she ended up in inpatient mental health care, they all were like “Oh shit, I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it was that bad.” And we’re all friends again. Because, fuck, what else am I going to do? Make all new friends at this age? Two of my closest friends don’t know that my dad died in October. They’re going to decide they want to hang out eventually, and we’ll go axe throwing and eat a brick oven pizza and see eachother again next year.
It’s not trauma dumping but this cute little thing where people message me everything that’s going wrong in their lives and i have no idea how to respond cuz any way i do respond (I’m sorry that’s happening) i get shit back like “aw it’s not your fault”. Yeah i know. But wtf else was i supposed to say?? Complain some more and add to the pile of shit?
Double standards based on lifestyle, income, marriage status and if I have kids.
I’m not always available just because I’m single and I don’t have a ton of money or time to spend on your child because I don’t have my own.
People who don’t respect time or effort.
This means people who are constantly late, people who ask/want me to plan a gathering or trip and completely disregard the plans + the very few logistical requests for the plans to work out.
Being wishy washy on plan making. “We should hang out sometime” is not an invitation. Don’t expect me to follow-up on it to establish a date and time. It was your idea, you can make the invitation. Or not.
Also, stop making my insecurities the butt of the joke. Yes, I am embarrassed about that thing I shared with you when I felt we were getting deep into our friendship. No, being my friend doesn’t mean you can make banter out of it because it’s funny to get a reaction.
One sided-ness. If I reach out to you and you don’t respond, or if I basically say that the ball is in your court to schedule our next plans and you never do, you will not be hearing from me again. I am tired of “begging” for people’s time & attention. I got the message loud and clear. “If he wanted to, he would” also applies to friendships.
We’re all adults here. Ghosting is unacceptable. If I did something, I’d like to improve. I guess I want friends that can be honest with me.
People who drop off the face of the earth the second they get into a relationship.
I understand new relationship energy is super exciting, but if you make zero effort to even talk to me or to make plans with me when I reach out to you then don’t expect me to wait hand and foot when the relationship ends.
And I say this as someone who doesn’t text their friends everyday and is pretty introverted. I just don’t want to be completely forgotten when someone starts dating if I’m considered a valuable friend.
Doing all the work to keep in contact
Treating other people badly, even if they are nice to me. You know, the friend people always say “well, they are nice to me,” but is an asshole most of the time? Yeah, not dealing with that anymore. If you treat other people poorly, we can’t be friends. Your schtick isn’t funny and I don’t want to be associated with you.
29 comments
Back biting. Stirring up petty drama. Being nice to someone’s face and shit talking behind their back.
Also, them expecting me to prioritize our friendship over my romantic relationship.
Inconsistency. My friend group requires consistency, and those who haven’t been are no longer part of my friend group. Getting rid of toxic people is a great way to take care of your mental health.
Clinginess. We’re all well into adulthood by now, it’s time to learn people have lives outside of you.
I don’t tolerate people who aren’t actually willing to engage in real friendship anymore! I think social media has killed a lot of people’s understanding of what friendship actually is lol.
I need friends who put in the effort. I am DONE with the pseudo therapy speak “I need low maintenance friends or I’m out”.
I need friends who understand that friendship is not always going to be easy, it’s not always going to be at a convenient time for you, that engaging with and talking about your friends interests is the bare minimum. I need friends who can understand that sometimes your friend just has more shit going on in their life and conversations might center around that for a bit.
To be clear- I am NOT saying that you need to have an unbalance dynamic in your friendships or put up with people treating you badly, but too many times I see people justifying being absolutely terrible to their friends due to a fundamental misunderstanding of what it actual means to be a good and true friend nowadays lol!
People who are constantly late.
It’s not cute or funny. It’s disrespectful.
Constantly bailing on plans after they were supposed to have arrived.
Gossiping.
Lack of initiation
Being turned down as soon as something better comes up.
The users. Many people are your “friend” when they need something. No more. I cut all those peeps out.
One-sided. I’m sick of being the one to reach out to talk and hang out. It’s really annoying so I just stop doing it and if I see a friend doesn’t reach out to me within days, weeks, months I end the friendship.
excessive validation and ultimatums when I refuse to give it.
no, I don’t know why you weren’t a bridesmaid in our mutual friends wedding
no, I’m not going to embarrass myself by pestering her about it
move on, I’m done talking about it
Being the mediator for petty personal conflicts. I don’t want to feel like a mother trying to get children to get along.
Friends who expect you to be there for them when they need support, but are either unavailable or unwilling to be there for you when the roles are reversed.
Friends that have no issue telling you everything you do wrong under the guise of “honesty” and get immediately defensive or argumentative when you try to bring up constructive criticism.
Only coming to you when they are in some kind of crisis and otherwise just forgets your existence.
Chronic lateness. I’ll never make plans with them again because I find it so fucking rude and disrespectful.
That thing where people have the thought process that because it’s right for them it must be also right for everyone else and anyone who deviates from doing exactly what they do is wrong.
Unsolicited advice or comments on my relationship. I don’t weigh in on friends relationships unless they specifically ask me to and even then I keep it light and I require the same in return.
Potentially controversial but people who value romantic relationships above all else.
Platonic friendships are honestly just as important (and in some cases, even more important and meaningful) than people are willing to give them credit for and I don’t want any friends who don’t acknowledge that fact.
Too many times I’ve seen the single friend or been the single friend cast to the side and forgotten about the second somebody gets into a relationship. I need friends who are going to be a good friend to me regardless of their relationship status.
Jealousy in any shape or form. I pull back immediately and stop sharing anything/everything.
Currently trying to leave a toxic friendship. I no longer tolerate being disrespected.
I’ve actually kinda gone the opposite way for friendships than I’ve gone for relationships. Relationships take a lot of work, so my standards for what I’ll tolerate have gone way up.
But the older you get, the harder it is to maintain friendships. And it doesn’t take a lot to be a friend to someone. Head over with some carrots and hummus and watch the Tony’s. Get together at 8PM on a Thursday to play some magic cards. Show up with your powertools and help them build a playhouse some Saturday morning. And if they annoy the piss out of you sometimes, who cares? It’s worth it to have people in your life with a shared history.
Like, I’m telling you, I went through a divorce and almost all of my friends abandoned me for like 6 months because my wife told them a bunch of lies, and then they got to see what she’s like when I’m not managing her entire social calendar, and after she ended up in inpatient mental health care, they all were like “Oh shit, I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it was that bad.” And we’re all friends again. Because, fuck, what else am I going to do? Make all new friends at this age? Two of my closest friends don’t know that my dad died in October. They’re going to decide they want to hang out eventually, and we’ll go axe throwing and eat a brick oven pizza and see eachother again next year.
It’s not trauma dumping but this cute little thing where people message me everything that’s going wrong in their lives and i have no idea how to respond cuz any way i do respond (I’m sorry that’s happening) i get shit back like “aw it’s not your fault”. Yeah i know. But wtf else was i supposed to say?? Complain some more and add to the pile of shit?
Double standards based on lifestyle, income, marriage status and if I have kids.
I’m not always available just because I’m single and I don’t have a ton of money or time to spend on your child because I don’t have my own.
People who don’t respect time or effort.
This means people who are constantly late, people who ask/want me to plan a gathering or trip and completely disregard the plans + the very few logistical requests for the plans to work out.
Being wishy washy on plan making. “We should hang out sometime” is not an invitation. Don’t expect me to follow-up on it to establish a date and time. It was your idea, you can make the invitation. Or not.
Also, stop making my insecurities the butt of the joke. Yes, I am embarrassed about that thing I shared with you when I felt we were getting deep into our friendship. No, being my friend doesn’t mean you can make banter out of it because it’s funny to get a reaction.
One sided-ness. If I reach out to you and you don’t respond, or if I basically say that the ball is in your court to schedule our next plans and you never do, you will not be hearing from me again. I am tired of “begging” for people’s time & attention. I got the message loud and clear. “If he wanted to, he would” also applies to friendships.
We’re all adults here. Ghosting is unacceptable. If I did something, I’d like to improve. I guess I want friends that can be honest with me.
People who drop off the face of the earth the second they get into a relationship.
I understand new relationship energy is super exciting, but if you make zero effort to even talk to me or to make plans with me when I reach out to you then don’t expect me to wait hand and foot when the relationship ends.
And I say this as someone who doesn’t text their friends everyday and is pretty introverted. I just don’t want to be completely forgotten when someone starts dating if I’m considered a valuable friend.
Doing all the work to keep in contact
Treating other people badly, even if they are nice to me. You know, the friend people always say “well, they are nice to me,” but is an asshole most of the time? Yeah, not dealing with that anymore. If you treat other people poorly, we can’t be friends. Your schtick isn’t funny and I don’t want to be associated with you.
Trump supporters 🤷🏻♀️