Have you been with someone as they died? Does your country have any customs or traditions surrounding death?
March 19, 2025
Have you been with someone as they died? Did they "see" anyone? Did they have any final word or thoughts? In your country are people known to refuse or ask for pain medication towards the end? Are there any customs around dying?
13 comments
In the Netherlands if someone dies, we’re all sad, and after a few days we go and sit in a very overpriced rented space in a funeral center. All organized by a funeral director that gets way too much money for way too little work.
We listen to a distorted version of Boudewijn de Groot or Andrea Bocelli and a terrible speech by one of the relatives. After that, we go and have watery coffee and soggy cake, shake everyone’s hand and offer our condoleances, and we go home.
Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return – but it always ends with soggy cake.
Yes, and they didn’t see/say anything because they weren’t conscious and there was little to no brain activity.
I’m in the UK, in my experience after death, there is a brief service at a crematorium, (some people also have a church service,) and then everyone goes to the pub for the wake. This is probably the best bit, sometimes it can be miserable, but not generally. There’s usually some music, a chance to catch up with people and invariably to eat ham sandwiches and drink too much alcohol.
We have this famous tradition in Ireland which many have heard of, called “the wake”. Which is a little pagan in origin and still very popular. I was at one for my grandfather. It was great.
The idea of the wake is essentially a party (that the dead person is at), celebrating the dead person. It shouldn’t be quiet and respectful. I think the original idea was to be a bit loud in case the person is not really dead. So you try to wake them up. But that isn’t really what you’re trying to do in a modern wake.
A modern wake is just a pre funeral gathering of family and close friends. You are allowed to have fun, within the limits of respect. You wouldn’t usually have a wake if the dead person was young, or the death was sudden and tragic. It’s usually for an older person.
People will sit around the dead person , usually lying on a bed and talk. Drink alcohol. Sing songs. Tell stories. You are allowed laugh your head off and have a great time. Depending on the family and the widow’s feelings etc you might have more of a party feel in a main room and then groups will split off to sit with the dead person and be a tiny bit quieter. But then other families might feel the dead person would want to be in the middle of the party. It really is like that.
The main thing is it’s fine to have fun. It has its own rules though. You have to get a sense of the line you shouldn’t cross. Like you can’t argue with someone at a wake like you could at a normal family gathering. You can’t let your kids run around the dead person or draw faces on them (which might happen if the kid isn’t supervised). Me and my cousin put a can of beer in my dead granddad’s hand for fun, but we kind of knew that was right on the line if not over the line.
In all it’s a very positive way to send off an older family member and when you experience it, you might come to think that it’s a tradition that more countries should take up.
I worked in a care home where death is a regular occurrence. Once the resident had passed id give them their last shave (if a male) and then get them dressed for the undertaker to arrive. What I always thought was weird was how quickly they would go stiff.
I wouldn’t say this is a tradition in my country but I want to share the story because it was a simultaneously beautiful and sad moment in my life.
When my grandpa was dying last summer, he asked for the whole family to gather and take a picture together for him to show his mum when he goes to heaven. Both my mother and her sibling are atheists and so are we, the grandchildren. But it didn’t matter to us, we found the idea beautiful and wanted to be together and fullfil his wish. My mother organised for everyone to come, some of us don’t even live in the same country. It was really lucky that we could all manage to come and truly beautiful to be able to be all together one last time, we took the picture and we also spent his last days all together coming in and out of his home, keeping him company, reading him the newspapers, taking turns etc. When he died, 5 days later, we decided to bury him with the picture that we took. It was all so moving, and lovely, and sad. We loved him very much.
Yeah. No they didn’t see anything, they are put under palliative care to minimise the pain and make them as comfortable as possible. It’s possible to get the care at home or at a hospital.
Burial is done quite fast compared to other countries from what I’ve seen, usually 24 hours after death is the service. The body is moved to a funeral home stays there for the whole day with the family (and some close friends can too) and anyone can go there to say goodbye/pay their respects to the family. Next day is the funeral.
In my family we go to have lunch/dinner all together.
Granddad was in palliative care. One day a nurse called to inform us that there’s not much time left. We drove to see him one last time. He wasn’t conscious, but we sat there with him until he was gone. I understand this is common here with immediate family, in nursing homes and in hospice units.
The funeral itself was a weird one, as it happened 3 weeks after. Wasn’t prepared for it to take so long. We gathered to the cemetery first to lay him to rest. Very formal Lutheran burial, and went by surprisingly fast (it was -30°C outside so everyone was eager to get back into their cars – the priest was barely able to hold the bible from his hands shaking so much).
Then afterwards family gathered in grandma’s house. Everyone was meeting each other for the first time in years so it was actually quite merry with kids playing around. The priest came to lead eulogies, but no one had prepared any actual speeches. It was more of a freeform conversation remembering what grandpa was like, while eating cake and having a cuppa.
And a sidenote: no open caskets here, ever. That’s not a thing here. If someone wishes to see their loved ones before burial, they can request a visit in the morgue.
Usually Lutheran rites are done in a church before the actual burial, where people lay wreathes around the closed casket on the altar, but my grandma requested it to be done at the cemetery since she was too frail to travel too many times in the same day.
Near the end my very German, engineer granddad thought he was working on selecting solar panels for ESA satilites as a result of bring taken off his medication so his last words before he really went out were about something he was really proud of and passionate about.
My grandmother died naturally and gently of cancer at home. A couple of weeks before death she saw people from her past – visions or hallucinations. It wasn’t scary or distressing for her – quite the opposite, she was engaged and happy to see them.
Yes.
All have been in hospitals and attended to by nurses. Around 37% of all danes die in hospitals.
No final words, one was an infant, the others has just been in a too poorly state and more or less unconcious to form any meaningfull last words. I guess my mothers final words were ‘no’, when offered a bit of wather.
All medication has been distributed by nurses following doctors orders. When someone is inevitably dying they are allowed to give as much pain medication as needed to reduse pain, even if it reduses the remaining lenght of life. At that point the dying persons I have withnessed has not had any real say in the matter. But ideally palliative care units try to have a conversation with patients about their wishes before it is to late. I have never heard about anyone downright refusing pain medication towards the end. I also dont really see the point…
I remember the nurses opening the window to ‘let out the soul’, but I dont know if it is a general custom or just a coincidence that it has been done each time I have withnessed someone dying.
The nurses has also prepared the body, washed it and dressed it semi-nicely. Family are allowed, and sometimes asked, if they want to help, but it is more than ok to decline.
I was there when my grandma died. She did not die peacefully. She had been sick with metastatic cancer for several years, and over the years she couldn’t think clearly. She was under palliative care and home and had a live-in caregiver. The caregiver called the family members when she thought grandma was close to the end, so we all went to her house and witnessed her convulsions and final moments. Obviously she could not express any thoughts at that point. I don’t know of anyone refusing pain medication towards the end.
As for the customs, in Sicily where I’m from, usually it takes 1-3 days between the passing and the funeral. During this time, the body of the deceased is displayed in an open coffin in the middle of the living room so that family members, neighbours and friends can come to pay their respects. Usually there is a box and a logbook for donations to contribute to the funeral expenses. Most visitors do leave money in the box. In the nights between the passing and the funeral, the body is never left alone, but family members or close friends make shifts to stay awake in that room and “surveil” the body.
If the passing happened more than 2 municipalities away from the house though, the coffin must be sealed. So all above still takes place but with a sealed coffin.
Yes, nope, nope, nope, yes.
Local customs are exist, but usually it all starts with the call to the ambulance and authorities.
Yeah I was with my best mate when he died. We had known each other for 40 years and he got cancer which spread too quickly to do anything. We tried to go to visit him several times while he was ill but there were issues and at one point we even turned back after setting off because it was too much for him. We went to see him at the hospice and his wife and daughter stepped out of the room for a break. While I was holding his hand he sat bolt upright opened his eyes wide and collapsed dead. It was heartbreaking. No last words just death.
In the UK esp in a hospice they manage the pain and anxiety right up to the point of death which meant he was completely out of it when he passed – morphine for the pain and something else previously for the anxiety.
Funeral was sort of ok – no religion just me and a few others who had written something about him. We carried the coffin in and walked out direct to the pub. It is pretty traditional to get pissed to be honest!
13 comments
In the Netherlands if someone dies, we’re all sad, and after a few days we go and sit in a very overpriced rented space in a funeral center. All organized by a funeral director that gets way too much money for way too little work.
We listen to a distorted version of Boudewijn de Groot or Andrea Bocelli and a terrible speech by one of the relatives. After that, we go and have watery coffee and soggy cake, shake everyone’s hand and offer our condoleances, and we go home.
Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return – but it always ends with soggy cake.
Yes, and they didn’t see/say anything because they weren’t conscious and there was little to no brain activity.
I’m in the UK, in my experience after death, there is a brief service at a crematorium, (some people also have a church service,) and then everyone goes to the pub for the wake. This is probably the best bit, sometimes it can be miserable, but not generally. There’s usually some music, a chance to catch up with people and invariably to eat ham sandwiches and drink too much alcohol.
We have this famous tradition in Ireland which many have heard of, called “the wake”. Which is a little pagan in origin and still very popular. I was at one for my grandfather. It was great.
The idea of the wake is essentially a party (that the dead person is at), celebrating the dead person. It shouldn’t be quiet and respectful. I think the original idea was to be a bit loud in case the person is not really dead. So you try to wake them up. But that isn’t really what you’re trying to do in a modern wake.
A modern wake is just a pre funeral gathering of family and close friends. You are allowed to have fun, within the limits of respect. You wouldn’t usually have a wake if the dead person was young, or the death was sudden and tragic. It’s usually for an older person.
People will sit around the dead person , usually lying on a bed and talk. Drink alcohol. Sing songs. Tell stories. You are allowed laugh your head off and have a great time. Depending on the family and the widow’s feelings etc you might have more of a party feel in a main room and then groups will split off to sit with the dead person and be a tiny bit quieter. But then other families might feel the dead person would want to be in the middle of the party. It really is like that.
The main thing is it’s fine to have fun. It has its own rules though. You have to get a sense of the line you shouldn’t cross. Like you can’t argue with someone at a wake like you could at a normal family gathering. You can’t let your kids run around the dead person or draw faces on them (which might happen if the kid isn’t supervised). Me and my cousin put a can of beer in my dead granddad’s hand for fun, but we kind of knew that was right on the line if not over the line.
In all it’s a very positive way to send off an older family member and when you experience it, you might come to think that it’s a tradition that more countries should take up.
I worked in a care home where death is a regular occurrence. Once the resident had passed id give them their last shave (if a male) and then get them dressed for the undertaker to arrive. What I always thought was weird was how quickly they would go stiff.
I wouldn’t say this is a tradition in my country but I want to share the story because it was a simultaneously beautiful and sad moment in my life.
When my grandpa was dying last summer, he asked for the whole family to gather and take a picture together for him to show his mum when he goes to heaven. Both my mother and her sibling are atheists and so are we, the grandchildren. But it didn’t matter to us, we found the idea beautiful and wanted to be together and fullfil his wish. My mother organised for everyone to come, some of us don’t even live in the same country. It was really lucky that we could all manage to come and truly beautiful to be able to be all together one last time, we took the picture and we also spent his last days all together coming in and out of his home, keeping him company, reading him the newspapers, taking turns etc. When he died, 5 days later, we decided to bury him with the picture that we took. It was all so moving, and lovely, and sad. We loved him very much.
Yeah. No they didn’t see anything, they are put under palliative care to minimise the pain and make them as comfortable as possible. It’s possible to get the care at home or at a hospital.
Burial is done quite fast compared to other countries from what I’ve seen, usually 24 hours after death is the service. The body is moved to a funeral home stays there for the whole day with the family (and some close friends can too) and anyone can go there to say goodbye/pay their respects to the family. Next day is the funeral.
In my family we go to have lunch/dinner all together.
Granddad was in palliative care. One day a nurse called to inform us that there’s not much time left. We drove to see him one last time. He wasn’t conscious, but we sat there with him until he was gone. I understand this is common here with immediate family, in nursing homes and in hospice units.
The funeral itself was a weird one, as it happened 3 weeks after. Wasn’t prepared for it to take so long. We gathered to the cemetery first to lay him to rest. Very formal Lutheran burial, and went by surprisingly fast (it was -30°C outside so everyone was eager to get back into their cars – the priest was barely able to hold the bible from his hands shaking so much).
Then afterwards family gathered in grandma’s house. Everyone was meeting each other for the first time in years so it was actually quite merry with kids playing around. The priest came to lead eulogies, but no one had prepared any actual speeches. It was more of a freeform conversation remembering what grandpa was like, while eating cake and having a cuppa.
And a sidenote: no open caskets here, ever. That’s not a thing here. If someone wishes to see their loved ones before burial, they can request a visit in the morgue.
Usually Lutheran rites are done in a church before the actual burial, where people lay wreathes around the closed casket on the altar, but my grandma requested it to be done at the cemetery since she was too frail to travel too many times in the same day.
Near the end my very German, engineer granddad thought he was working on selecting solar panels for ESA satilites as a result of bring taken off his medication so his last words before he really went out were about something he was really proud of and passionate about.
My grandmother died naturally and gently of cancer at home. A couple of weeks before death she saw people from her past – visions or hallucinations. It wasn’t scary or distressing for her – quite the opposite, she was engaged and happy to see them.
Yes.
All have been in hospitals and attended to by nurses. Around 37% of all danes die in hospitals.
No final words, one was an infant, the others has just been in a too poorly state and more or less unconcious to form any meaningfull last words. I guess my mothers final words were ‘no’, when offered a bit of wather.
All medication has been distributed by nurses following doctors orders. When someone is inevitably dying they are allowed to give as much pain medication as needed to reduse pain, even if it reduses the remaining lenght of life. At that point the dying persons I have withnessed has not had any real say in the matter. But ideally palliative care units try to have a conversation with patients about their wishes before it is to late. I have never heard about anyone downright refusing pain medication towards the end. I also dont really see the point…
I remember the nurses opening the window to ‘let out the soul’, but I dont know if it is a general custom or just a coincidence that it has been done each time I have withnessed someone dying.
The nurses has also prepared the body, washed it and dressed it semi-nicely. Family are allowed, and sometimes asked, if they want to help, but it is more than ok to decline.
I was there when my grandma died. She did not die peacefully. She had been sick with metastatic cancer for several years, and over the years she couldn’t think clearly. She was under palliative care and home and had a live-in caregiver. The caregiver called the family members when she thought grandma was close to the end, so we all went to her house and witnessed her convulsions and final moments. Obviously she could not express any thoughts at that point. I don’t know of anyone refusing pain medication towards the end.
As for the customs, in Sicily where I’m from, usually it takes 1-3 days between the passing and the funeral. During this time, the body of the deceased is displayed in an open coffin in the middle of the living room so that family members, neighbours and friends can come to pay their respects. Usually there is a box and a logbook for donations to contribute to the funeral expenses. Most visitors do leave money in the box. In the nights between the passing and the funeral, the body is never left alone, but family members or close friends make shifts to stay awake in that room and “surveil” the body.
If the passing happened more than 2 municipalities away from the house though, the coffin must be sealed. So all above still takes place but with a sealed coffin.
Yes, nope, nope, nope, yes.
Local customs are exist, but usually it all starts with the call to the ambulance and authorities.
Yeah I was with my best mate when he died. We had known each other for 40 years and he got cancer which spread too quickly to do anything. We tried to go to visit him several times while he was ill but there were issues and at one point we even turned back after setting off because it was too much for him. We went to see him at the hospice and his wife and daughter stepped out of the room for a break. While I was holding his hand he sat bolt upright opened his eyes wide and collapsed dead. It was heartbreaking. No last words just death.
In the UK esp in a hospice they manage the pain and anxiety right up to the point of death which meant he was completely out of it when he passed – morphine for the pain and something else previously for the anxiety.
Funeral was sort of ok – no religion just me and a few others who had written something about him. We carried the coffin in and walked out direct to the pub. It is pretty traditional to get pissed to be honest!