New to this sub, sorry if this question gets asked a lot here. I play videogames 2-3 nights a week. Usually on PC online with friends, sometimes on my Switch by myself. PC is in another room, I play Switch handheld on the couch. PC gaming sessions are 1.5 – 3 hours usually.
A frequent response I get to telling my wife I am going to game for a bit is “you would rather play videogames than hang out with me,” or something like “we haven’t really seen each other today and that’s what you want to do?”
We have a one year old and I am very involved in household chores and daily tasks, and we usually go out just the two of us at least once a week. On days when I don’t game we play board games together or watch TV.
What can I do in this situation? This is my biggest social outlet and one of very few, not to mention I just really enjoy gaming. It’s not the videogames themselves (although it used to be), as she will do this if I had another hobby too.
She acts all moapy whenever I game and will text me if it’s been “too long” and will generally give me the cold shoulder the rest of the night. I’ve tried to help her get hobbies to do while I game but she would rather just sit on the couch and talk. I don’t have anything against that, but we just spent an entire weekend together with no electronics, just talking, and she is giving the same responses as normal.
Edit:
Thanks for all of the responses, most are really helpful.
Additional context – I work from home and see my wife and son frequently during the day. She is mostly a SAHM but works one night a week as a nurse (one of the days I usually game unless I have a remodel project I can work on or there are a lot of chores to catch up on).
We live in a small town and she doesn’t have many friends nearby.
Having equal responsibilities with preparing meals, chores, and taking care of our son has always been important to us. Taking care of a child is a full time job.
This is one of my main sources of social interaction with people my age. She says I can’t claim that because I don’t have meaningful conversations with them.
32 comments
Sounds really bad.
Did she never engage in any hobbies? Is she able to spend time on her own? That’s a skill she should have learned by now…
Tell her you need some time for your hobbies. She can be present, she can join in, she can do her own thing – whatever she would like to.
You can try to find additional hobbies to engage in together as well. If she enjoys sitting together and talking and boardgames, check out TTRPGs for example.
(Realising how happy I am to have married a gamer who wouldn’t ban me from my hobbies and vice versa. We’re both gamers and huge TTRPG fans, and being with someone who wouldn’t engage with that sounds exhausting)
“you would rather play videogames than hang out with me”
Have you answer that question? not to her, but to yourself?
I mean it’s hard because at the end of the day she wants to spend time with you but you are also allowed personal time.
If you’re not making time for her then you should definitely rethink how much time you spend gaming.
Do you give her 1.5 to 3 hours worth of time so that she can relax from time to time?
If you really are doing chores and also making time for your family then you and your wife need have a talk about having your own space occasionally. She should respect the fact you need some time out, she’s allowed it too and is good for both of you.
I’m not sure how outlandish this suggestion is as I don’t know your wife but have you ever thought of inviting her to play games with you? There are plenty of partner friendly games out there that are great fun!
>Wife [26F] says that I [27M] would rather spend time playing videogames than with her. Been married 5 years. How do I respond?
Stop playing so many video games?
I won’t lie, my ex and I were like this, lemme break it down tho,
You spend multiple days a week for up to 3 hours each gaming w friends or yourself,
the rest of the time (159 hours) is spent working (roughly 8 hours is average a day,) sleeping (average 8hrs) child rearing (24/7) and chores (5hrs a week ima say)and then one day a week w your wife not including the times to commute to places and other things like grocery shopping or eating, it goes down fast
Yes you’re entitled to have your own time but how much time together have you and your partner spent that isn’t at home since you’ve had your kid?
She might feel shunted given your habitually spending various hours w friends and not the same for her that, again, isn’t spent inside the home w games or screens
Have you stopped dating her? Surprise flowers? Or favorite snacks? Reservations/dates to special places? (No one come at me for her doing the same to him I know)
But could it be that she feels as if you’re more distanced to her?
Because I used to communicate to my ex (same issue as this) in various ways that I felt as if our connection has dwindled due to his behavior and the way your wife is speaking it may be just that
(Yes it may not be the best way to communicate, that is one thing for her to work on)
I’m married to a gamer, our schedule is work days are for family time and weekends are for gaming. He still spends time with us during the weekend but it’s sporadic through out the day. I don’t think our schedule would work for you guys because you’d actually be gaming more hours but maybe some kind of schedule so she can plan for it and expect it. Also, a lot of his gaming hours are after the kids and I are in bed so he really isn’t taking time from us.
I have so many questions.
When you say you guys go out, is it a date? Are you guys switching the planning if it? Also, who watches the kid while you are gaming? Does she get her own time away?
Have you had a big sit down where you guys talk about this? Have asked how to make this equitable? Told her your alone time is important and that you want to figure how to make it fair and balanced for both of you?
It’s super important for you to have alone time, but your wife is telling you that she feels neglected. Talking and counseling can help with this.
Well, what amount of gaming would be okay for her? Did she express that?
Is this throughout the *whole* week, including the weekend as well? Because 3 days of “me time” during the work week after work hours is a lot of time, where I could maybe understand where your wife is coming from. 3 hours a night Mon/Wed/Friday would make me upset, too.
But if it’s only 3 days spread out the whole entire week, then I think she should be more lenient. Everyone is entitled to have “me time”, as long as it doesn’t interfere with being a father/husband during the rest of the week.
Start by inviting her to play videos games. 🤓
My ex and I both played a lot of games, but I really had a problem with the *way* he played games. Why? I could hear him laughing and joking with the boys, and it made me horribly jealous. I was upset that when he and I had time together, it never felt fun. It felt like he was giving all his energy to his gaming friends and I got the leftover scraps of attention.
Whether I was right to feel that way or not doesn’t matter: it wasn’t *actually* about the games. It was about how he was carrying himself in our relationship. You need to figure out what this is *actually* about, and if she’s feeling neglected, you need to do something about it.
I think your 1 year old is the key to this. Bringing a child into the relationship changes the dynamic greatly and it can be a hard adjustment.
Women generally have a different “mental load” after becoming mothers then men do, especially when the child is so young. We can’t “turn off”. I had years of struggle with my husband over this. I started to resent him.
He too is a gamer and it was never an issue until we had our first child. When he would have his nightly time it was as if nothing else existed. If the baby cried or needed something, I was the default parent. He could just turn off and check out completely. We both worked full time. We both did a fair load of chores. But that simple act of always defaulting to me as the primary parent became very frustrating for me and caused a lot of problems.
Obviously this isn’t your intention as you seem like you’re trying. Encouraging her to have hobbies is great. Women often struggle with identity after becoming mothers. Encourage healing positive things like joining a book club, yoga or exercise classes, brunch with a friend. Those were all great outlets for me.
But honestly it sounds like she is crying out for a break. She wants to be seen by you. She wants you to share the mental load that she is experiencing.
You should take a hard look at your evening after work duties. What is your routine like? When you all get home do you check out in your game immediatly and leave everything to her? Who prepares dinner? Who changes the babies diapers and bathes the baby? Who puts the baby to bed? Typically it is the female….no matter what the work status is. Many full time working females experience this and it is called “the second shift”. As I mentioned before she doesn’t get to “turn off” and that is a huge mental load to carry.
My advice is to come up with a rigid schedule and just try it for 30 days and see how you both feel. Something like 2 days a week you take care of all the evening chores and the baby. The other two days you get to game and chill and she takes on the evening load. Make your date nights meaningful. I don’t consider a date night pizza at my in laws. I think board games is cool and fun but she needs the emotional connection. Watching tv is great sure but it still doesn’t scratch that itch for emotional connection. Connect with her. Sit and talk. Leave your phones out of the room. Ask her how she feels. Listen to her. Genuinely try to understand her feelings and needs. I think this will start to solve your problems if she feels like her emotional needs are being met.
I’m rooting for you! Good luck. Its hard figuring it all out but I commend you for seeking advice.
For being 27 you sound awful immature. Do you have a wife that loves you and wants to be with you but you don’t wanna be with her. Do you have a one year old child which causes a lot of stress, drama and issues. Do you want the marriage to work? Then spend time talking to her isn’t she supposed to be your best friend? Isn’t this the person you want to spend the rest your life with? Instead of spending all your time electronics and then complaining about how you do that all weekend why not get a babysitter and take your wife out on dates. As somebody who has gone through this and was left behind by the other spouse because they didn’t want to spend time you’re setting yourself up to lose your family. Are your video games more important then having your family? That is the question you need to ask yourself
I’m a gamer. I went no video games for like 2 years. Then I would play games she would like to watch. I also play games when she is asleep as she sleeps longer than I. Sundays are our Day, also everyday we spend atleast 1 hour doing something fun together. It’s all about balance and making your spouse feel included. Hopefully you married your best friend and she knows this.
Most parents of one year olds don’t get 3-9 hours of hobby time during the week unless it’s after bedtime. I imagine your wife is picking up the slack you’re dropping and it’s becoming frustrating for her.
And how many days do you let her have a few hours to do something with no kids interrupting her?
Have you tried actually talking to HER about this?
My husband has a video side piece too. He plays 5 days a week. Do you wear head phones while gaming? That was a big frustration for me with kids. He would have headphones on and couldn’t pause his game so the baby became my responsibility completely while he was gaming. Which meant I could relax or really start anything because it would be interrupted by baby.
Are there any games she likes? Yall could play something together. My husband and I love gaming together, and if he is playing a 1 player I play something else in the same room or do something I wanna do. But we always agree on how long the game time will last before he plays. Like he will say “I’m gonna hop on for about an hour, is that okay?” And I agree. Sometimes I say yes because it really is okay and I want him to relax and be happy but I really want him to spend that time with me instead, he knows by the way I say it’s okay and he will change his plans and watch a show with me or whatever. Sometimes I just need some extra attention from him. Sometimes I just need his presence. Being at home with kids all day can really drain you and make you feel invisible and you just wanna be seen. So I guess my advice is try and find a game to play together, find her something fun to do while you game in the same room, agree on the length of gaming time beforehand, and pay close attention to body language because sometimes us ladies want to make you happy but it isn’t actually what we want to do but we don’t wanna make you unhappy lol. But that’s just some of us, I can’t speak for all women. Good luck sir.
What platform do you use? Console or PC? Both me and my partner are gamers and when one of us is gaming we’re always in the same room together.For example ,while im on our pc.. He’s on his ps5 in the same room. Or I’m watching Netflix while he’s gaming.
Make a little corner for her with a TV and a nice comfy chair. It’s about her spending nights alone on the couch.. not the hobby itself hopefully.
Wish this was around when I had this problem.
Search Digital Wellbeing under settings (android).
It displays the screen time usage by app.
You both need to monitor the time you both use for games & entertainment, yes social media like reddit, is entertainment.
Then you need to come to an agreement of what is an acceptable amount of time to spend alone & together.
Due to the social aspect of your game playing, you need to discuss and may need to tailor this to your specific familial situation.
I will tell you I was once totally addicted to gaming. Everquest for over 10 years. Loved it raided the highest end and had the best junk. Let me tell you how much it cost me. Stayed in a dead-end job because the hours worked. Never had vacations with family or even paid attention to my family. I’m 50, and now my kids are grown. I don’t miss that game. I missed the best years of my life.
Honestly, it sounds like you should maybe tell her everything you said here. It doesn’t sound to me from the post and your comments like you’re spending an unreasonable amount of time on gaming or like you aren’t making time for your family and helping share the load. It just sounds like your wife is one of those people who needs kind of constant entertainment from other people and who struggles with entertaining herself independently.
I’m not saying she’s a bad person or anything, obviously, but I’ve met plenty of people like that. I’m even related to a few. Ideally she’d be able to read her books or do something on her own the 2-3 days for 1-2 hours you game, since it sounds like the kiddo is asleep during those times, or at least that she’d understand it’s ok not to be joined at the hip every second of your free time. It’s ok & healthy for couples to have their own hobbies and to have a reasonable amount of time to pursue them!
If you were gaming every day or not actively making time for your family or raising your kid, it would be different, but that isn’t the impression I’m getting at all.
If she likes board games do you think that maybe she would like to start playing video games with you as well? There are lots of games on steam that are like a board game, like Armello and tabletop simulator. She might even like some of the games that you currently play. My boyfriend and I are both gamers and to be honest I don’t think I could see myself dating someone who doesn’t share that hobby with me.
Is she a SAHM? It sounds like she is bored and lonely. She might need to get out more with friends or find a part time job or other activity.
Sorry…wish I had some advice for you bro.
The real problem is that your wife doesn’t seem to have an outlet of her own. WHERE ARE HER FRIENDS?!?!?!?!
I ended my last relationship because she wanted me to entertain her literally 100% of the time I wasn’t at work – and texted me way too often while I was at work.
The best partner (IMO) is someone who has a deep, rich bench of friends, family, hobbies, interests, career, education, etc. and you’re helping each other be your best selves….not spending every night sitting on the couch together.
Be honest. You can’t be responsible for her entertainment all of the time, and it’s not healthy for her either.
Big red flag when someone can’t enjoy their own company for even 1 evening a week.
Others have mentioned some two player games you could add to your collection. Wanted to add that you could get a few campaign style games and do those. Long stories, character development and world exploration, great fun for two people. That said, you are allowed your personal time and space as well, just make sure to balance all things appropriately.
Trudvang Legends
ISS Vanguard
Tainted Grail
The Elder Scrolls
All good stuff.
As someone who doesn’t play video games it is astonishing how many people will risk their relationship for them, and that’s just by going off this sub. This is like the third one I’ve read about today alone.
I have set gaming nights/times for me and the boys. I told her to think of it as “poker night” or “sports night” or whatever except I’m in the house instead of out somewhere spending money.
Outside that, I make SURE that when I can’t tell where our night is going, I suggest something for us to do together before I hop on my games if she wants to do something herself, go to bed early, etc.
Make it clear that outside set, REASONABLE, game times spending time with her is your priority.
Can you spend time in the same place, doing hobbies you both like? My husband plays video games, usually multiple days a week for several hours. It’s his stress relief and I don’t begrudge him that. I sit with him and read or do something while he’s gaming. It still feels like we get some time together.
I think these comments are trying to be helpful but it’s making me feel a bit icky how infantilizing they are towards OP’s wife. Like suggesting the onus is on him to find her a hobby or something to distract her while he gets his own time.
Everyone is allowed some alone time and it sounds like OP is trying to do his best to balance his time. It’s common for mothers to lose their identity especially once they have kids. She needs to be her own person and if she is struggling with that maybe some therapy would help. All your free time still won’t make her happy if she isn’t happy as an individual.
I mean this in the most sincere way she needs to work this out as I’m sure she wasn’t always so reliant on OP socially. Does she have friends? Family? You can’t be her one and only adult friend because that’s how you burn out. Not saying she is a bad person at all btw.
I’ve known a lot of gamers, dated a few, married to one. You are gaming far more than you think. That said, she needs to find some kind of outlet for hwrself