I’m trying to understand whether I ignored major red flags in a relationship or whether I’m overreacting because of heartbreak.
I (M37) was emotionally involved with someone (F35) on and off for a couple of years. We discussed marriage, children, IVF, future homes, growing old together, and she often asked me to treat her like a future wife/partner. I became deeply emotionally invested and supported her through some very difficult moments in her life during the 9 months following a domestic violence incident and divorce proceedings.
At the same time, the relationship had repeated cycles of:
- blocking/unblocking,
- emotional withdrawal,
- accusations,
- sudden distance,
- and me constantly trying to repair things.
Recently she asked me for a $65k interest-free loan for 3.5 years. This was also a cross-border international transaction between the US and a South Asian country, which would have involved legal, tax, repayment, and compliance considerations. Initially, there had been discussions about handling things formally with lawyers/collateral involved, but later she wanted the money without those safeguards.
When I pushed back and asked for proper structure, documentation, repayment protection, and clarity around such a large amount, communication collapsed completely and I was blocked again.
Now I’m struggling emotionally because part of me feels:
- the relationship and feelings were genuine at times, while another part feels:
- I was mainly valued when I was emotionally, financially, or practically useful.
I know heartbreak can distort perception, so I’m trying to ask objectively:
- Are these signs of an emotionally unhealthy/possibly manipulative dynamic?
- Did I ignore obvious instability because I was too emotionally attached to the future we imagined?
- Was it reasonable to insist on safeguards for such a large international financial request?
- How do you separate genuine love from emotional dependency and over-giving?
I’m trying to move forward without becoming hateful or bitter, but honestly I feel emotionally exhausted and confused.
Would appreciate honest perspectives from people who’ve experienced similar relationship dynamics.