Hi everyone, I’m looking for some perspective on a situation that has left me emotionally drained and confused.
I (24M) was seeing this girl (21F) for a 2 months. She is incredibly sweet, high-empathy, but also struggles with significant past trauma from past relationship (she ended that in december, we met at the start of February, she even told me she had the su***de attempt) and is currently on medication (Venlafaxine – before she took something else) for depression. From the start, she told me she wasn't looking for a relationship because of her mental state, especially that she didn't want to cause me the trauma. But her actions said something completely different – she was very touchy around me, laughing, smiling, asking many deep questions, asking me for phone number, stalking on the web, calling me everyday for 30 minutes etc. She told me herself that she is in shock that she clicked with someone so easily and so fast, that talking with me was so enjoyable.
Initially, she was the one chasing me. She was very "forward," intense, and romantic. I’m a high-empathy person and I move slower, but I eventually fell for her because of how well we connected and how much warmth she gave me. She couldn't wait to meet me at the dates, few times she asked me if she can come earlier than we agreed before, etc. I felt like she is moving very fast, on second date she asked me if i want sex, I stopped her and told her it's a bit fast too fast, kissing and cuddling is fine at this moment.
The problem: Few times after great dates etc, she pulled away. What do I mean by this? She said always something like this: "Could we stay friends please", "Do you think friendship between us would work" "I dont think I deserve you, you deserve a better girl" "I'm not in a state to be a good partner for you etc", i reassured her that its fine, we dont need to rush things, we can just meet without pressure, we can meet in groups with friends etc. We always met in 2, and she always was the opposite what she said few days earlier – she was affectionate, touchy, laughing, happy etc. Its like her mood changed about this every few days. It was brutal for me, as I felt that she really wanted me, but something (anxiety, trauma) is blocking her. Of course i baked her muffins few times, gave her flowers and gifts, but she asked me to not do it as she felt too much pressure, so I stopped.
1.5 week before Easter, she again wanted to stay friends or cut contact, up to me to decide. But she said that no contact would be brutal for her. I asked if we can just meet the next day and talk about it in person. We did. I wanted to do it during a walk in the park, but she insisted my place. Of course we talked about this a while, but of course we got intimate 2 times that night. The next day she asked if she can come again to me, that she really likes me and likes spending time with me, so we spent whole day together and got intimate few times again. The next day – the same, she even baked me apple pie in a shape of heart. I thought its gonna be normal from now on. We were after that for more than a week chatting whole day up to midnight, talking via phone. I finally felt that she's not gonna pull back again.
On Easter sunday, she still was very affectionate, wanted to go with me to visit mountains, told me how she is horny for me, etc. Easter Monday – the same. But during the night, she suddenly became very cold and I felt like that was the definitive end. I told her we can talk about it the next day (as it literally as 2 am, I was sleepy). She texted me first at morning, "how do you feel", etc, she said she was crying, and her mother was reassuring her etc. We talked for few days, but she really became cold, distant, and "robotic." She said she "stopped feeling it" about a month ago (which contradicts her baking me a heart-pie and the intimacy we had 3 days day after day). I asked her why did she do that then, she told me she doesn't know, that she still wanted to did these things, to meet me, talk with me etc, but just something is off. I remember than at the beginning of the dating, she told me that when she starts to care too much, she sabotages things to regain control.
I think I made the mistake of trying to "fix" it by being overly empathetic and apologetic.
She told me she feels "suffocated" and "irritated" by my attempts to communicate and my apologies. She requested no contact, saying that even a friendship is too much right now. She said she needs to "reset" her life and move on.
I suspect she has a Fearful Avoidant attachment style. She seemed terrified of the closeness we built during that 3-day weekend (of course we were dating for 2 months, so we met like 12+ times, i stopped even counting).
My Questions to you:
Does this sound like a typical Fearful Avoidant "deactivation" or did I truly push her away with my over-communication?
Why would someone bake a heart-shaped pie, request meeting again, and be so intimate if they "stopped feeling it a month ago"?
Is there any chance she will reach out after the "relief stage" of no contact wears off, or is this truly the end? I contacted her something during past few days, like what did she do yesterday etc, but I plan to truly do the no contact.
I feel used after giving her my best. Any advice on how to heal from this would be appreciated