Main questions:
1. Do you disclose information that could be a red flag
2. Am I a red flag, and should keep this to myself?
3. Is there any redeeming in a situation like this?
Story:
A while back the abuse I was in was getting so bad. I had to call the cops one day. They came, my abuser left and said he would never be back. A few days later he came back and I couldn’t make him leave. He told me that if I felt uncomfortable that he would leave. Well night time came and that’s when things tended to get the worst. At this point I felt unsafe and asked him to leave. He refused. I begged for a long time for him to go. My kids were sleeping and I didn’t have a place to take them so he needed to be the one to leave. Anyways it escalated and he locked himself in the bathroom and I just wanted him to leave at this point. My only thought was no door, no place to hide. So I took a knife to the door to try to get open, and stabbed in over the court of a minute. I don’t know how many times really. Just know it was short and I can guess it was probably about a dozen. I never had any intent on using the knife on him. Only hopes to get inside the bathroom. It didn’t work but like a few knife stabs in, I realized I was wrong and gave up. This was my lowest moment. The worst thing I ever did.
Fast forward to this year, I finally shared this story with a guy I like. I thought we were bonding through our lowest moments and he shared a story he did something destructive. The whole point was that we were not our pasts and we can and will do better.
Well that was a few months ago and the guy told me today based on my story I’m a red flag (I don’t fully disagree) but that he could never put himself in that environment and he feared he can’t consider me safe because of the environment that I could create. I just wish he could consider the fact I’m not the same abused person who made this horrible mistake.
I am so shamed right now because I know it’s something I did once after years of abuse and would never do it again. I feel like he took a thing I did once as a reaction to my abuse and made it a personality trait. That it’s something I could do again. Here is the thing I would never ever be in a relationship with someone and let it go this far ever again. I would never risk that for my own kids. One sign of abuse and I would be out of there.
I guess I’m just here to vent because I am trying to heal and want to make amends for my mistake in life and be honest about it. I think lying is the wrong way to go. But that makes someone consider me unsafe.
Here is the brief the story I told him, so you have what he read too- which definitely sounds scary. And I guess I probably used the wrong words at the time I wasn’t screaming and yelling it was more like crying and begging. Didn’t even wake the kids…
“Back ground is needed: Okay, so one night with the ex things got bad. I refused to do something and stuck to my guns. I was on the phone with my aunt and he didnt like that. He started trying to rip my phone out of my hands – was pulling at my wrists and I ended up needing police assistance. He left the apartment for a few days. And then came back – told me if I was uncomfortable he would leave again. So night time rolled around and that’s when things got bad. So I told him I needed him to leave – I couldn’t do it. He couldn’t be there. So he goes and locks himself in the bathroom.
I was screaming and yelling at this point for him to leave and he just wouldn’t. I lost my shit. End up grabbing a knife from the kitchen – I was so mad I was like if there is no door he can’t hide in the bathroom. I had 0 intentions of harming anything but a door. But I stabbed that door at least a dozen times. Regret my action every day since. It’s not who I am – not what I wanted to do.”