TW vague mentions of past SA
TLDR: I've had sex in a past relationship, overcame purity culture and SA, yet still anxious to have sex for the first time in a new relationship
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I've (27F) been with my boyfriend (32M) for 4 months. I love him, we are both highly attracted to each other, and neither of us are virgins. He is incredibly patient, doesn't pressure me at all, and lets us move completely at my pace.
For context, I am no longer religious (though I did grow up with that purity conditioning), and I was sexually assaulted in the past by my first ex. I lost my virginity with my second ex (consensually). I also identify as being on the asexual spectrum, specifically demisexual, which my boyfriend is aware of. I've told my current boyfriend of the assault and he was extremely understanding and supportive, and he tells me frequently to go at my own pace and not to do anything that would make me uncomfortable. Every single step of our intimacy, he asks for consent before doing anything. Psychologically, I feel mostly over the assault, and I feel 100% safe with my boyfriend.
Yet, the moment things start heating up, my body just panics. My heart races, I tense up, and I get scared to take the next step, even though I am aroused and want to. He has never asked me to take that next step or take things further. He has never asked me to do ANYTHING I'm not comfortable with. I even started the Minipill in preparation of sex. I don't understand why I'm scared to do it. I'm so attracted to him and WANT to take that next step… But I just feel like I can't. Ffs even teens can do it and I'm a working professional adult and I can't.