Sorry for the long post. TL;DR Things seemed perfect but ultimately plug was pulled. I’m devastated.
I’m just feeling so damn lousy right now. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.
So I \[M28\] started talking to this amazing girl \[F29\] about a month ago.
We’ve only been on a couple dates in person bc we live like 60 miles apart, but they were amazing for both of us. We both said we felt like it was so easy to talk to each other and it really felt like such a pure connection. Banter was good, we lined up on things well. Deep convos were had. She’s so sweet and kind and smart and funny and straight shooting and beautiful.
Before the first date, we had done a call just to kind of touch base and feel out. After the first date tho, we started calling almost every day, sometimes as long as 2 hours at a time.
She seemed to really like me a lot and I was completely smitten by her. She seemed to take this connection very seriously too, as things progressed between us, she wasn’t talking to any other suitors and we seemed to be moving towards something. She told me how handsome I am, how smart I am, how easy I am to talk to. Etc.
Conversation and intimacy and physical intimacy were progressing in a way that felt natural and felt like it was building the framework for a relationship. Everything felt good and comfortable and fun. She even was talking to family and friends about me, and would talk about me in context as someone that’s moving towards becoming her BF. She even accidentally said that she was talking to 3 of her friends and that all 4 of them have boys, before she caught herself and corrected that 3 of them do and she is talking to a boy.
We’ve been having such good mix of banter and flirting and fun, but also being able to talk about such deep and personal conversations. Talk about having lost parents, some personal health things I’ve overcome, other heavy stuff, etc. Seemed like warts and all, we were clicking.
Everything was great, I was planning to ask her to be my GF officially next date. But then she hit me with a bomb last night. Texted me about it last night and confirmed it to me on a call this afternoon.
She told me she actually feels like she’s not ready for a relationship right now. She apologized for hurting my feelings, reassured me I did nothing wrong, and explained that she just doesn’t feel ready to stop being single and “being selfish” as in being able to just focus on herself and not have to factor someone else in right now.
She does have a lot on her plate, with family stuff and work stuff and some crazy extraneous circumstances, to be fair. Including not being able to live in her home right now bc of the chemical leak in OC, CA.
She basically explained she was optimistic about her being ready but feels like she’s not. She’s been single for a year since her last relationship. She said I’m a gem and will find someone, but that it’s not fair to me to wait and she wouldn’t morally want to have me wait. She doesn’t know what timeline when she would be ready.
She was taking things seriously, she wasn’t wasting my time or being whatever about it. But she just doesn’t think she’s ready.
She did reassure me, she’s not talking to anyone else, not picking anyone else over me, and nothing like that. She’s just not ready to commit.
I’m devastated. This is the best I think I’ve actually ever connected with someone romantically ever. I’ve dated before, including a 4 year long relationship. But this one just felt so pure and easy and special. There just weren’t any red flags or issues or anything. It was like a perfect match for me. And she seemed infatuated with me too. So this really caught me off guard. I’ve never felt so confident in something trending the right way romantically before.
She’s still being so sweet. She didn’t block me or ghost me or anything after letting me know last night. We called today for about 30 min total (10 and 20 min calls) and she was very sweet and patient and everything. She said she wouldn’t block me and she’s happy to talk me through it if it would help. She even offered to be friends, but she knows that that might not be healthy for me. Said that’s up to me.
But also made sure to reaffirm that her mind is made up and I shouldn’t hold out hope.
I have always been the kind of person when shot down, I just say thank you and keep it pushing. I’ve been on both ends of that.
But this time is just different for me.
I offered to slow things down or wait for when she’s ready to commit, but she was not receptive. She doesn’t feel right with me waiting for her, she doesn’t want me to be stuck and she doesn’t feel okay with doing that morally. She doesn’t even know when she’d be ready and she said a lot can change in even a few months anyways.
And she thinks we’ve already moved slow enough as it is with how busy she’s been so she wasn’t receptive to that idea either.
She jokingly said she to be angry at her or put the blame on her or think of her badly to help me get her it. But I can’t, bc she’s been nothing but straight and honest and good to me. She also said she wishes she could make me feel better but it sucks cuz she’s the one hurting me. She’s said sorry and she has praised me for having integrity and being vulnerable.
In the end, it feels like the stuff going on with the chemical leak, the family drama, work stress, etc has just, at least in part, kind of blocked me. Plus, probably some internal things for her too, ofc.
It’s so tough. It seemed like we were such a great match, but maybe a right person, wrong time thing. But she also doesn’t want to keep me on the wing. Fair, but so hurt.
I don’t really know what to say or do now. I’ve been feeling so sad today. Time feels like a blur and my head feels so cloudy and mushy rn. I don’t have an appetite and I full on cried for the first time in well over a year.
I keep wanting to talk to her but I know it’s just cuz I’m grasping for hope and so I’ve restrained myself despite her willingness to keep open line of communication.
It’s the first time since my 4 year relationship (2015-2019) that I felt this able to romantically connect to someone. Been on plenty of dates and have even seen people for a few months at a time. But I never felt so unabashedly head over heels for someone. This one was special for me and the foundation was coming along so well.
Any words of wisdom or advice is greatly appreciated. I’m just feeling so sad and confused and overwhelmed and anxious. I’ve walked like 20 miles in the last 2 days and I just can’t work off the anxiety away. It’s directed anxiety. I want to work on something to fix the situation, but I can’t fix it. So I need to find a way through otherwise.
I feel like I’m struggling to internalize what’s happening even. Things were going SO well that while my logic brain understands it’s over, my heart can’t seem to believe it or internalize it. Keeps waiting for something to save the day. I’m just so split and confused.
Right person, but I guess wrong time?