I (29F) feel emotionally stuck between my ex (29M) and the new guy I’m dating (26M), and honestly this confusion is making me feel awful. I really just want a healthy relationship and some clarity, because I hate feeling emotionally divided like this.
My ex and I were together for 3 years. We had a very deep intellectual connection. We could talk for hours about ideas, investments, life plans, politics, random topics, etc. He’s very practical, strategic, responsible with money, and overall someone who made me feel mentally safe and grounded. I admired him a lot.
One of the biggest reasons we broke up was because his mother was very possessive and jealous, and that dynamic became emotionally exhausting for me. Even after the breakup, though, I never completely stopped missing the mental and emotional affinity we had. He still reaches out to me and clearly still has feelings for me.
My ex also already feels very established in life. He has his career, has traveled a lot for work, is very multitasking, and is always trying to learn new things or improve himself. He’s the kind of person who researches random topics and likes understanding how the world works. Another thing is that whenever I got emotionally overwhelmed, my ex usually knew how to calm me down and regulate the situation.
But over time, our relationship also became less romantic. He stopped being very detail-oriented once things felt secure, and sexually I started feeling unsatisfied because of routine and ongoing issues with premature ejaculation. Eventually I slowly lost physical attraction even though the emotional/intellectual bond stayed strong.
The new guy I’m seeing is almost the opposite in some ways.
He’s extremely affectionate, emotionally expressive, artistic, and probably the most physically attractive man I’ve ever dated. He genuinely cares about me a lot. If I’m sad, he’ll travel a long distance just to bring me something small and make me feel better. He picks me up from university (I'm studying a Master), checks on me constantly, and puts a lot of effort into making me feel loved.
The sexual connection with him is honestly amazing. I feel desired, excited, emotionally alive, and physically very compatible with him in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. He loves literature and music, and he's sweet. At the same time, he’s still kind of figuring out what he wants to do with his life. He doesn't have a career; he originally tried pursuing music but failed, and now he wants to begin university to become a teacher. He’s more dreamy and emotional than practical, while I’m very future-oriented and efficiency-oriented. Sometimes those differences feel complementary, and other times they create tension.
He has also said some intense things that honestly make me nervous sometimes, like saying his whole life revolves around me. I know he means it romantically, but it feels emotionally overwhelming to me rather than healthy.
We also sometimes get into silly arguments where both of us end up trying to prove our point instead of calming the situation down. One thing I’ve noticed is that while my ex usually knew how to de-escalate conflict and calm me down, the new guy sometimes unintentionally feeds the argument instead.
The hardest part is that I genuinely feel both of them love me in real ways, just very differently.
I don’t want drama or toxicity. I genuinely just want a peaceful, loving relationship that makes me happy long term.
Please don’t be harsh or insulting in the comments. I’m not trying to compare people like objects or hurt anyone. I care about both of them and I’m just trying to understand my feelings in a mature way.
If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you finally decide? What made you realize which relationship was healthier or more sustainable long term?