I am 26 F and have never done anything even close to dating someone. This is because I have never been pursued and everyone I pursue says no (it's been like 4 times so not THAT many attempts but those were all the times where it felt appropriate for me to try and move in that direction aka the only times I've been given the time of day by guys who I start conversations with)

It's already hard enough being unnoticed despite putting in real effort (going out regularly, dressing nice, trying to strike up conversations, etc.), but I also have constant reminders all around me that my friends have it so much easier somehow. Some prime examples:

  1. My friend who swore off dating after a break up who happened to meet her bf while out shopping. When she told him she wasn't ready for another relationship, he said he would be there when she was. She wasn't trying at all, but just found the perfect person for her.
  2. My other friend who had a guy who was part of her college friend group ask her out and she literally described as "It was so easy, I didn't have to do anything to make it happen it just fell into place."
  3. My other friend who was SLEEPING IN HER BED when she got a phone call from another friend that she was at a bonfire and there was a cute guy she thought my friend would be interested in.
  4. I went to a concert with 2 other friends and did a little fan project which required me to pass stuff out. I talked to all 300-400 people who were walking into that concert venue and MY FRIEND leaves with someone's number because she happened to vibe with the people standing next to us.
  5. Went to a festival with a friend and the second we separated to grab food a guy walked up and talked to her.
  6. Had a party for my birthday which just consisted of 7 friends one of which was a straight man. After the party my other friend texted me to ask if one of the other girls at the party was still with her bf because my guy friend was into her. She was. I am not into the guy friend at all, but it was frustrating that my friend could walk into my party and catch the attention of the one guy there and that never happens to me when I attend events. Like, I facilitated someone else getting male attention.
  7. I go out with my friends to different night life spots on the regular and they are always overrun by old people. The one time I didn't go they went to a place where there was a bunch of young people and they got a couple people's instagrams.
  8. When I vent about not finding anyone the best my friends can offer is, "Yeah, people always want to flirt with me but they never want anything real." YOUR CASUAL TUESDAY NIGHT WOULD BE A CORE MEMORY FOR ME I HAVE NEVER HAD ANYONE FLIRT WITH ME.

I know there are people similar to me who have been unable to get into the dating scene, but it's just so much harder when everyone around me has experiences like this. I have no idea what I am doing wrong or why my life can't be like this, but I am getting so tired of watching everyone else around me live this way. It feels like the door to love gets locked and barricaded the second I show up. It's like I make men asexual by existing around them. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do to find a partner, but nothing happens. I am totally fine with being the person who has to put in the effort, I have long accepted that I am not the girl who guys approach I will have to do the approaching, but I just wish all the effort I put in actually had results. Instead, I am putting my everything into it and getting nothing in return. Meanwhile, all my friends can just walk into a place and leave with phone numbers or at least a flirtatious conversation to make them feel good.


17 comments

  3. I truly think everyone feels this way. I’m the only single one in my friend group. I feel you, OP. It sucks.

  4. I get you’re frustrated but describing a dude you aren’t even interested in asking your friend out as “you facilitating someone else getting male attention” is really going to fuck with your head and that does put out a vibe that strangers can pick up on. Like putting things through that filter is going to keep you trapped in a shitty headspace and will affect your approach to dating, your friendships and relationships.

    You have to take the competitive lens off of these situations. I promise half these dudes aren’t worth this resentment. Four times isn’t that many times to get rejected, all of the dudes I crushed on that went with someone else I’m SO GRATEFUL now that it didn’t work out. The universe is weird like that.

    Kudos for being willing to pursue someone vs waiting to be noticed. Your moment is coming in the interim invest in yourself

  5. Online dating is polarizing, but on there, ppl are looking to date. I think you would find success there. The only thing is that ppl are ppl and you might have to date around a bit to find the one, but that’s not universal rule. Some ppl get lucky off the bat

  6. Sometimes its personality and other times its timing. A LOT of guys want a girl who will be a trophy and laugh at his jokes but he dgaf about them. You might be unintentionally giving desperate or too smart or too serious. You gotta do your own thing fiercely and once you find your way, guys of value will present themselves. Don’t shrink yourself, you probably shine brighter than your friends. Also do you know your type? Friends can’t help if you don’t know the kinds of guys you really like.

    I have gad these same feelings, I am neurodivergent and act different than expected at times. It takes time to find a really good person. Hang in there and do things for yourself. You will find someone eventually I promise.

  7. Try Hinge and ask for the phone numbers of the guys who ask you about your interests and hobbies.

  8. People always ask me how I attract so many men. I just don’t do anything. I don’t dress to impress, I don’t cover myself in makeup, it’s just a lipstick and a mascara. I would say it’s energy that you carry. I think when you get desperate looking for someone, you just don’t pass a good vibe. Idk.

  9. Can you describe yourself a bit? Like your character/physical traits? What do you look for in other poeple?

    Maybe you have RBF 😀

  10. Hinge might be the solution here. Online wasn’t successful to me (i did go on lots of dates and found a long term partner but he didn’t end up working out for me) but go into it FOR FUN. Sure of course the idea is to meet the love of your life but you have so many options. i think dating apps are a lot more fun for us (women) than they are for men. You end up having a lot of choices, and the act of dating and getting to know different people can be a really fun experience. I think confidence is really important when trying to meet and talk to new people. Look at what colors suit you, add a little bit of glitter to your makeup, throw on some lashes if you feel like it. just some things that help me feel confident. 🙂 But of course take precautions!!!! Meet publicly, never leave your drink unattended, let your friends know where you are or have life 360!!! most importantly have fun!!!!

  11. Sometimes it’s location. Sometimes it’s whether the fun makes it to your face (ND). Sometimes it’s just bad luck.

    Have you talked to your friends? Do they have any idea why you have so much trouble?

    I have ideas about why I had so much trouble. But at 26, when I had stopped looking, I found a great fun relationship that lasted for 5 years. When that broke up, I had another one that lasted 19 years.

  13. Watching this your inbox must be filled with people right now if you actually want to talk or about in detail let me know i am pursuing you noe just to see if you actually are what you say

  14. It sounds like you’ve been legitimately unlucky despite reasonable effort. That’s so frustrating. Hang in there.

  15. 28M here. I completely understand your frustration as I’m in the same situation. I know exactly how it feels to put in so effort into finding a mate, and get zero results in return. I came to the conclusion that if it’s meant to happen, it will happen. It doesn’t matter how much effort you put in. I’m aware of people putting in minimal to no effort and finding partners easily. It’s just not fair. I now believe that it’s completely out of our control and all comes down to fate.

  16. I’ve been told I have RBF and that’s why I don’t get approached. I’ve also been told by guys I know that they would assume I had a boyfriend if they saw me in public. I don’t know how to address either of these issues. I try to smile at everyone I make eye contact with, but the problem is I’m generally not conscious of my resting face. In regards to the boyfriend thing, I don’t know what to do about that one.

  17. I’m in a similar situation as you. I’ve been rejected a couple times and had my crushes get with someone else and never been in a real relationship (I did get lovebombed into a situationship once so that was…fun). Honestly what I’ve noticed is that when you become desperate to find a partner, not only will your brain turn up the jealousy around other people, but people will sense that and you will have less success. I fell into this trap, realized that being overly fixated on men was NOT making me happy, and put myself on a dating ban until I was more happy and self sufficient. Lo and behold, after a couple of months I’ve been approached by five different guys which never happens to me, and I went on my first date with one of them yesterday. I’m also just a lot less stressed about dating in general (even before anyone approached me or anything).

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