What am I missing?
Is my personality just inherently flawed, or am I just such a niche person that finding someone I actually vibe with is next to impossible?
I think I have this issue where my actual hearing is totally fine, but I struggle to process the meaning of words when people speak, and it’s super hard to focus. I haven't been officially diagnosed with anything, but I suspect it could be either Auditory Processing Disorder or maybe a symptom of ADHD. But then again, there’s a good chance I don’t even have those conditions. And even if I do, it’s probably not at a level that severely disrupts my daily life… I think
The point is, I often miss social cues, and socializing just drains every bit of my energy. To cope with that anxiety, I’ve defaulted to only hanging out in drinking or partying environments, which has become another issue in itself.
When I meet people at first, I’m pretty good at being charming and approaching people. But as time goes on, being around them just feels… uncomfortable? I just don’t like most people. They are annoying, can be selfish, they don’t like me, they intimidate me, etc. And to match their energy, it requires so much damn energy and constant overthinking, but I often get not much out of it. Sure it might be fun at the moment, but it’s all over the next day. But it’s so dam hard to maintain that relationship.
So I naturally distance myself, I spend less and less energy to force myself to fit it, and in the end, I’m left completely alone.
I’ve been going to therapy and actively trying to put myself out there to meet different people, but I’m just so lost. This especially ruins me in group settings like work or clubs, where you HAVE to get along with people you don't necessarily like. I always fail to blend in, end up making enemies, and get alienated lol. Honestly, even when I force myself to fit in, it’s agonizingly exhausting anyway. So whether I try or give up, I’m miserable either way.
Just today, a group of coworkers seemed to be heading out somewhere together. Obviously, nobody invited me lol. It wasn't a mandatory whole-team thing, just a casual hangout among some people, so it's not a huge deal logically… but it still made me feel so miserable. Back when I first joined the team, I never used to miss out on things like that. Now I have no idea what’s going in the team.
What the hell is wrong with me, and how do I fix this? Am I just socially inept with a terrible personality?