So without being too descriptive, I (31F) just learned an old flame, John (32M) is single and I want to persue him instead of the relationship I have now with Hosea (33M).
So Hosea and I met on a dating app and have slept together twice and been on about 12 dates. Its been two months. He is not a big texter so we usually text and hangout twice a week. He mentioned after we slept together that he deleted the app and so I did too. I want to make it very clear that I truly do not think Hosea is very much attached yet and I definitely am not. Hosea is nice, no glaring red flags. I had been single for 3 years when we met and we are both bored living in a very unpopular city with a very minimal dating scene since we both work in a similar sector that sends us to these areas for contract work. We will both be here another year. We technically havent made it official, no declarations of love etc, but I think its safe to assume we aren't seeing other people. Family hasn't been brought up or notified etc etc.
Now as for, John. John was my first big crush that seemed real. We were 19 and worked at the same video store (r.i.p) but he had recently began dating a girl when we met. John and I worked a slow job and spent hours talking and laughing. A mutual friend even mentioned how John had expressed regret that him and I didnt meet before he met his gf (Megan) once when they were drinking but that Megan was so in love and a good woman and he couldn't hurt her.
I eventually went to uni but John and I kept in friendly contact over social media. And honestly he was always on my mind. We would catch up at mutual friends events when I was in town as I had moved to uni and then remained in that city. We always had the same connection.
I did meet one guy (Judd) who I almost married and nothing could have torn me from him, not even John, but we didnt end up working out and the first man on my mind when we ended things was John. John was always my "one that got away" even though he was never mine.
Please dont think I was some type of creep stalking or waiting for him. He was just that one guy who I always understood me the most.
Well. Recently I saw that Megan posted with a new guy in a new city, John is not very social media heavy in the posting department. John and Megan had lived together for 9 years and even hosted a couple parties at their home, although there was never a ring.
Within a week, John added me on Instagram (we had just been fb friends) and I asked him how he was and he said he was fine and that we should catch up when I visited this summer (2 months away). I told him that we would definitely go grab coffee.
Now, I really really want to end it with Hosea. Since John messaged me, all I can think of is the possibility of finally being together.
I also want to make something very clear: I will not be shocked if all this ends up with me being alone. I dont expect Hosea to wait around or forgive, I dont want to go to coffee with John behind Hoseas back since I know that, for me, the coffee date is not innocent in terms of emotional fidelity. I am 100% prepared to lose both men.
I am aware how hard it is to find decent men but even if John's ends up married next week, I still think Hosea is the type of guy who I would have to fall in love with very very slowly. He doesn't give me any type of excitement and as I get older I realize that is probably a good sign. I have no idea if Hosea and I will grow into something deep and powerful or not but I honestly would prefer to take my chances on John.
So my question has finally boiled down to. If I end up not being with either of them. Will future partners see this as a red flag? Will i be labeled as someone who is not serious about commitment?
Even if the answer is yes, I will risk it all for John. I just kinda want to be mentally prepared for if im ever socially ostracized for this? Like I want to know HOW much of an asshole I am being.
Also, if Hosea did the same to me, I would be over it pretty quickly.
ALSO, I was once dumped by a man for another women and I was also over it quickly even though I was heartbroken because the girl he left me for was MUCH more compatible for him than I was and our relationship was already on the rocks and he ended up married and 3 kids with her, something I never wanted for myself. I am truly happy for him.
So the final question. How much shit will i get for this if I end up alone next year and im going on first dates with men and we are discussing relationship history? I just kinda want a scale of shittiness.
Any thoughts are welcome.