My husband (31M) and I (34F) are together for 5.5 years now. When we started to date, he was a fun loving person, we used to talk a lot over random stuff. Within a couple of months in the relationship, he decided to start therapy as he was brought up in an abusive household. Since then he has become quite a depressive person with heavy anxiety.
Initially I thought that it's a phase as therapy brings out a lot. But it's been 5 years (he goes twice a week) and all I see is that his mental health is going downhill even more. He had porn addiction ( now reduced to once in two days on average maybe), his claim is that porn was the way to express his frustration since childhood.
He has been working on it in therapy for all these years and still cannot stop. Porn addiction made him look at random women on the street in sexual ways and he is in denial. He often fantasizes about other women and his therapist apparently told him everyone deserves to have their imaginary world with whatever fantasy. His therapist also supports the fact that it is okay to look at beautiful girls and I need to be more secure.
Honestly I don't know how he describes his or my actions in the therapy, but I think I'm quite a secure person. I had exes and I used to look at beautiful people together with my partner (even with him in the beginning of the relationship). Now it bothers me that he is probably thinking of someone else while having sex with me (he used to have no erection with me unless porn movies were on).
Anyway, while porn and women etc are a problem, what mostly bothers me is that he is extremely moody and cannot take anything lightly. We just had a baby about 3 months ago. He is extremely anxious for him, making our daily livelihood impossible.
He gets annoyed if there is any noise in the house even if the baby is sleeping through it, gets annoyed if anyone says the baby is cute on the street, gets annoyed if we are hanging in nature and there is a possibility of falling leaves on the stroller, or if the sun is too bright. He got annoyed because I hit his feet by mistake with the stroller as I had less visibility and he was too close to the stroller as he is always anxious. Somehow it's my fault entirely.
I'm going through the post partum while handling his moodiness. Honestly I get it that life is tough now, new baby, sleep deprivation, work pressure (he is about to graduate his PhD), etc. We don't have a village. I don't mind that at all, I'm good with the baby, we actually have a nice calm baby. He loves the baby a lot, but it seems like he forgot about me.
We go to a couple therapist for more than a year now and it is not helping. He doesn't even realize that he is moody and grumpy and behaves weirdly at home. If I ask him what the matter is, he says nothing (sometimes in couple therapy, he admits that he was annoyed).
So here is another thing. He has started to procrastinate a lot and also started to lie about stuff that he realizes that might bother me. He cannot handle when I'm talking, can't focus on me, sometimes it legit feels like he hates me and hates life, he often insists that he loves me (the couple therapist also believes it) and wants to make things work.
He does care about me when it comes to physical actions (like getting my favorite snack while doing groceries, bringing flowers that I like, pouring me water when I feed the baby etc). I have also noticed he gets better when he feels that I'm sad (by his behaviors). He can't accept the happy me. I don't understand this.
I'm considering leaving, but I admit that I'm afraid to leave with a baby and no village. When I talk about separation in the couple therapy session, the therapist doesn't really support me (once even told me there is no one perfect out there). Honestly the therapist has a soft corner towards him as he is a victim of an abusive childhood. I'm so confused if I'm the problem as even a therapist doesn't seem to see me. What am I doing wrong?
TL;DR: Husband is moody and anxious , possibly depressed even after 5 years of therapy. Now with the baby, things are getting unbearable. Even the couple therapy is not helping.