I go to a pretty academic school where everyone is high cortisol 24/7. Def not McMaster. Anyways, it’s sort of known in the culture here that everyone’s got their heads in their books and I myself have absorbed this. I have never had any romantic thoughts regarding anyone, nor do I fantasize anything with anyone around me. When I make new friends I never consider fancying them both because there is that famous dilemma that proposing to take things further (even if the vibes are right) can still lead to the end of a productive friendship but also because I’d like just enrich the quality of my friendship overall rather than rushing into love or whatever. It’s sucks because I’d truly want to be with someone who I can be a good friend with and that nobler calmer idea of a friendly romance paired with my recent bouts of hormones have never made me feel so stuck. Like I have no mouth yet I must scream sort of stuff. I have this burning burning desire for love yet I have nowhere to put that energy, no one to give it to. I either block myself from pursuing anyone under the guise of working on myself only for the desire to boil over and I rot in bed and wish to disappear or I try and blow off steam not taking action but thinking about the possibility of taking action like by downloading a dating app. That makes the romantic part of me feel sad and rushed but maybe I also need to grow up because if I don’t “put myself out there”, whatever the hell that means, nothings gonna happen. I’ve gone to clubs and parties, just not for me, I’ve gone to academic clubs and events, I can’t see anyone any way other than strictly professionally as colleagues. I sometimes wonder if I’m aromantic but cursed with some sudden bursts of fixation on sex and intimacy. How I wish to be held right now. I want to cry and explode.