Sorry, I just need to vent. Most of my friends are male and I don't want to invite (non-internet) strangers into our marriage by venting to them. I know I am probably being unfair and this is an extreme situation. Still, I feel like I deserve to let it out somehow.
__________
We've been together for almost 11 years, cancelled our wedding due to covid.
Got married last year, right in the first year of his new company he built himself. Back then, I told him.I didn't wanna get married and start a company and that I wanted to enjoy the wedding. He still started his business. The day before our wedding he went on a business trip to another country and the Monday after (our Saturday wedding) he had a deligation from a different continent visiting. No honeymoon, no time to enjoy. We have yet to look at our wedding photos.
We both work there. My parent's house burned down in a huge housefire, couldn't work then because I tried to salvage what little remained from.the ashes. Fast forward a few months and my brother passed unexpectedly. Didn't work because of grief and me having to plan and coordinate my brother's funeral and go to the police quite often during the investigation.
I am 36, losing my brother was the first time I've ever experienced a loss and grief. Also, losing our childhood home with all the memories a few months earlier didn't help. (Now that I have experienced this; sibling loss must be one of the most overlooked losses when it comes to death.)
My husband and my brother didn't have the best relationship but my brother had still worked his ass off to help him built his company. He would paint and carry heavy shit while my husband would be working on projects. The last time I saw my brother was in the office. Now that I am in the middle of grief, after the initial planning has been done, my husband is traveling all over the world for business while I'm holding down the fort daily in the very same place I'd last seen my brother.
Meanwhile, I am barely able to get myself to drink a glass of water let alone eat. Spoke to a friend on the phone yesterday who told me that they'd be going on a guy's trip, I knew of when it was planned months ago but he didn't bring it up again. (Grief brain + company stress) He works a lot and deserves a break from all the hard work and craziness that I add on top of it with all the disasters in my family. I am well aware that my point of view ia not a fair estimation of this situaTion, bur still; I just can't help but feel as though his form of support is covering for my job that I do to help him build his dream.
I know he is building his company for our future and he can't put his life on pause for my unpredictable grief, but I just feel so lonely. I tried to call him earlier only for him send me a message: 'Sorry, in a meeting'. WTF, I can't even call my husband when I am sad about a traumatic sibling loss.
I know grief is a topic of its own but I just feel deserted, lonely and sad. I know I am being unfair and possibly unreasonable but at the same time; all feelings are valid.
The thing that really sent me today was the fact that I spoke to an old friend on the phone for over four hours during their workday. I sent them a text asking if they'd wanna speak on the phone tonight and they dropped everything during their workday to speak to me for half of it. I cried after we hung up, partly because I was so grateful for having such a good friend and partially because I was resenting my husband for not taking my call.
My husband does his best and I am certain he would not have started a company had he known all of this was going to happen, but I honestly feel like I am at the far end of his priority list.
What would you do (knowing only my side of the story)?