I am 38 male and i have not dated in a very long time. I have stopped counting how many years its been, and honestly, i do not want to think back to that time.
My previous relationship was very abusive and ended with my ex cheating on me on Valentines day with a guy she met at a tram a week prior. She basically got a kick out of telling me about the guys she met, what she found sexy about them, what i lacked compared to them, flirting with other guys in front of me etc.
Two years of emotional abuse, which i have internalized after the breakup have basically destroyed my self-esteem completely, and triggered a form of body dysmorphia.
Now i am lonely. I want to find somebody to share life with. But i am terrified that i will never be good enough to build a lasting relationship with any woman. And i am also terrified that if i try and it does not work out (and it probably will not), it will only further reinforce my already very negative self-image and make my dysmorphia worse.
I can not stand having my picture taken or looking at myself in the mirror.
At the same time, i dont want to spend the rest of my life alone. I dont want to be one of those people that die alone in their apartment and decompose for two years because there is nobody that misses them.