Hi all. This is my first ever post on reddit. I've been a lurker for a long time but I really need some advice from a strangers perspective. I can't think clearly.
My partner and I got together when I was 19 and he was 21. I was in university and we did a semi-long distance thing until I graduated. We've been living together going on 3 years now. He has always been there for me and is genuinely one of the most amazing people that I know. He's helped me through financially tough times, has supported my passions and has never made me feel like a burden. I've always felt that he was my safe space and I could just relax and be myself around him. This was a truly refreshing experience coming out of toxic relationships/situationships.
Throughout the years, I've always had feelings that I should be spending my 20's independently so that I don't have any regrets later on. I decided to stay because of who he is and out of fear that I'd be making the stupidest mistake of my life by leaving such a good man. Life became slow-paced once we moved in together, which I didn't mind at first. Same routine, same environment. It was predictable and comfortable. Now, I'm not so sure that's what I want for the rest of my life, or at least my 20's.
Here are some of my issues. Please tell me if I am full of shit.
We have an active sex-life, not anything crazy but still active. I often feel like I do it more for him than for me as he often asks and I want him to be happy. Most of the time I don't feel aroused and it takes a lot to build myself up. He's handsome but I don't think I'm attracted to his body. But, this could also be because I am constantly pre-occupied by work whenever he asks me for sex. I've started my own company and am constantly stressed out.
I am bisexual and never really got to explore that part of myself very much. My close friends and my partner knows, but I am in the closet when it comes to my super religious family. This is also part of the reason I feel that I can't leave him – (1) my family adore him, which is not an easy task to accomplish and (2) I don't know if I could truly ever be "out". I know for a fact they would call me stupid for leaving him. I have been in relationship after relationship before I met him, so I never really got a moment to myself, to understand who I am – just me. I have a desire to travel and experience new things, maybe move abroad. I want my own apartment and I want to decorate it the way I like.
I love his family too. They are literally picture-perfect. We've talked about eventually getting married and having kids. I've always known I don't want children and I made that known to him. I know he wants to be a dad. After a while, I started to think to myself that he really would be a great dad. He's so good with kids. Why would I deprive him of that? Deprive his parents of grandchildren? It's been 6 years and I know we aren't getting engaged or married any time soon due to financial concerns.
We live together and I have nowhere to go if I left. I don't have money saved up as I've put everything back into our apartment and my business. His family has been supporting both of us mostly. I am wondering if I had the financial freedom, would I still be in this situation?
I'm tired of being dependant on someone. I want to make my own success.
I feel that I've already started the grieving process, but he has no idea what's going on. I think he thinks I'm stressed. Breaking up just seems so wrong, like it's never been an option for us. It's always been us against the world. I feel like I owe him a lot.
I suddenly started feeling the urge to leave him much stronger than I've ever felt it before. Although I also started feeling depressed. I thought it could be hormones because I read that your period can do that to you sometimes. Am I going through some kind of crisis? I told him that I want to see a therapist. I just want someone to talk to about this and be guided into the right direction.
If this is what I decide to do at the end of the day, I don't want to waste any more of his time, or mine. He deserves someone who would give him the world.
Please just give me your honest feedback so I can think a bit more clearly about everything.