Hello, I am in a relationship for over a year now and I kinda got to know that I am not my partner's preferred race. I am a white blonde girl. Got to know he is into asians.
In the past I have struggled with self-esteem a lot and with mental health. I have been with mentally abusive men in the past and porn addicts, it destroyed me. So when I got to know this, my world shattered once again and I am where I have been 5 years ago mental-wise. I have never struggled more to eat, sleep, not induce pain on myself. Eating pills to not cry for 12 hours straight cause it brought all the bad stuff back, just when I thought I have found a man who is "not like others."
I found this information out when I was scrolling through a Discord server of our friends (like 30 people on there) that we both are on, although we are in a real life relationship. I saw him commenting things like "I prefer Asian girls," friends were scrolling Tinder and he said "If there was any Asian send her to me," saying how much he loves Asians, how much he wants an Asian, sending screenshots of some Asian girls and screenshot of his FYP that was only naked Asian girls on Instagram. This was from 1 year to 4 months before we started spending a lot of time together. Although we have known each other at that time, Ive just never seen him type or say those things as I was not that active.
Then there was a conversation that he (once again) loves Asians but if he had to choose a white girl, he would go for brunette. I am blonde. So even in terms of "white girls" I am not the preferred hair color.
It destroyed me, knowing It was JUST 4 months ago before we started spending time together (in more romantic way). How could a person switch this fast from A to Z I am thinking in my head. I feel so much pain, knowing I am not my partner's type.
Please help me not lose my mind. I am losing my self-esteem, even though he said that things can change and that he might have said those things, but he never did not like white girls. But obviously his preferred race is Asians and I am nowhere near that. I am really fragile person and this hurt me so much. I do not want to leave the relationship, he has been nothing but the best, but knowing I am not my partners type, it is destroying me, as I have always struggled with my looks and wanting to be nothing but the best looks-wise for my partner. Knowing I can not be the best looks-wise since I am not even his type is destroying me and I can not think straight.
TLDR: I (F22) found out my partner (M23) used to be/is into Asians (dating for 1 year now), it shattered my self esteem, knowing I will never be as desired as some Asian chicks he used to fancy, since I am literally not his race type, not even hair color type…
Final question. What am I supposed to do to feel better about myself and how do I deal with this situation mentally? Please do not answer "Find psychologist" as I am in contact with one.