My boyfriend (M/30s) and I (F/30s) have been together since 2017, and I’m feeling really stuck and unsure about our future.
When we first started dating, he had a job, but he quit about 5 months into our relationship. Since then, he hasn’t been able to maintain stable employment, and it’s now been years of this pattern.
He has been diagnosed with severe depression and also autism. He often says he doesn’t feel like there’s any hope. Currently, he spends most of his time gaming (often 8+ hours a day), gets on his computer right when he wakes up, and sleeps during the day.
He has seen a lot of therapists over the years (14+), and from what he’s shared, very few have had much impact. So I think part of the challenge is that he feels discouraged about treatment as well.
For context, over the past 9 years I’ve stayed consistently employed and grown in my career. I’m currently in a more senior role, although my work environment has become pretty toxic and stressful lately. So I’m also dealing with my own challenges, but in a very different way.
I’ve tried to be understanding and supportive because I know depression is real and difficult. I’ve stayed because I care about him, we have a long history together, and when he’s doing better, he can be thoughtful and kind. He is also someone who listens to me and supports me emotionally when I’m going through things, which I do value.
I’ve also tried to support him in practical ways where I can—for example, I added him to my dental insurance last year after he had a serious tooth infection that required removal. However, I’m not in a position to add him to my health insurance, and overall I’m starting to feel the limits of what I can realistically carry on my own.
But at this point, I’m feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, and honestly unsure how long I can keep doing this. It feels like there’s no structure or forward movement in his life.
We also moved into a new place about 7 months ago, and we never fully got it set up. We started organizing and tidying, but that progress stalled, and now the space feels unfinished and stressful to live in. It’s become another area where I feel like I’m carrying more of the mental load.
On top of that, I’ve been extremely stressed at work and recently got sick twice within one month, likely because I’m not sleeping enough. By the time I get home, I feel completely drained and don’t have the energy to take on everything that still needs to be done around the house. It’s starting to feel unsustainable.
One thing that’s been hard for me is that he often talks about how there was a point early in his career where he was doing really well. I understand that he’s grieving that version of himself, but given that he left his job early in our relationship and hasn’t regained stability since, it’s difficult not to feel the weight of that comparison or wonder where I fit into that narrative.
I care about him a lot, but I’m starting to question whether this is something I can continue long-term if nothing changes. I don’t know where the line is between being supportive and enabling.
At the same time, I’m also afraid of losing him, which makes this even harder to think through.
At this point, I’m trying to figure out if I’m being patient or just avoiding a hard decision.
Has anyone been in a similar situation—especially with a partner who has severe depression and autism but isn’t making progress toward stability? How do you navigate this without losing yourself?
TL;DR: My long-term boyfriend has severe depression, hasn’t worked in years, and spends most of his time gaming. I’m overwhelmed balancing work, home, and the relationship, and I’m not sure if I’m being supportive or enabling.