So I (28f) just broke up with my boyfriend (31m) of 3.5 years. This is something I've been contemplating for a very long time and I thought I'd feel relieved and that this was the right decision but I feel heartbroken.
There's a lot to unpack here as to why I ended it so if you end up reading it all I very much appreciate it and your help.
In the start of our relationship I made it very clear I was not comfortable with him watching porn of specific women and was just okay with him watching it if he just wanted to watch sex in general. Then about 3 months in I find that he's been watching of specific women so I decide all porn is off the table and he agrees. A few months later I find more porn and consider breaking up but at that point we are on a trip to meet each other's parents for the first time and about to start long distance so I push through because I was head over heels in love with this dude and I truly thought he was the one.
Another weird instance that still bothers me is when he was about to board the plane back to the country he was living in for work at the time when we were about to start our long distance stint. He wanted a seat upgrade so he goes up to ask the flight attendant. He starts off with asking her how her day is. She says it's just ok so he ask why and she opens up that its just been a long hard day she hasn't had lunch yet ect. So he replies with " do you want me to buy you a drink? Maybe something to eat?" Mind you I'm standing right there next to him and I'm just ducking baffled. I felt this was really inappropriate. I bring this up to him and ask him if he was flirting with her or something and explain how inappropriate this is and he just tells me he was just trying to be nice and get a better seat upgrade.. the entire time after this the flight attendant is staring at him and me and keeps looking at him until he boards the flight because I think she was confused on who tf I was in relation to him. He kisses me goodbye like pretty passionately in front of her and I just feel super awkward and I could tell she did too. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but I still think about this almost 4 years later.
Another instance is When we started dating i ask if he's been sleeping with anyone else and he said he slept with somebody on a boy's trip 2 weeks into us talking before we ever discussed being exclusive (but we were already sleeping together). I later found out that this woman was a prostitute he paid for. I had a gut feeling she was and had asked him previously and he denied it. I have a big issue with men who pay for sex morally but at this point I felt I was too emotionally involved with him and couldn't bring myself to leave. And his honesty about it in the end gave some credibility to my trust with him even if he lied initially. I figured he just felt ashamed. It eventually comes out that he's hired prostitutes over 5 times in the past.
Fast forward about 1.5 years in and the 6 months of long distance is over and we both now live back in our home country. We had just signed a lease and go to his home state to visit his family. During this trip I find porn on his phone again. I break up with him and literally up and leave halfway through the vacation. When we both get home, i ask for radical honestly to try to repair this and he tells me the truth about everything and reveals he was lying in many of the instances i asked if he was still watching or found subtle proof and he gaslighted me about it, tells his parents what happened and that he messed up, admits to me that he's been watching porn the whole time basically but has really cut back and is struggling, comes to terms that he has an addiction and downloads an accountability app and ask me to be his accountability partner. I agree and stay in the relationship because we had just signed a year lease and I felt stuck. I figured it wouldn't hurt to try in the meantime and it really seemed like he changed this time around . We started couples counseling and things get a little better. We both grow a lot. When our lease ended early 2025 I end up buying a house (on my own without him) and we move into my home together no longer bound by the lease.
Since early 2024 when he downloaded the accountability app I don't think he's been watching porn at all. But now he's just a different person. He's not affectionate towards me, he doesn't go to gym anymore, just played video games all the time til 3am he lost all his ambition and stopped working but was living off savings. Started drinking more and eating poorly. I felt the emotional connection was completely gone. He barely spoke to me and was hot and cold constantly. I remember one time I mentioned he never cuddles me anymore in bed and he said he can't fall asleep if he does but also can't cuddle me in the morning because he'll fall back asleep and sleep in too late.
I brought these problems up to him and he was always incredibly defensive. If I'm emotional at all he shuts down completely. He mentioned my anger being a big driver of his shutting down and I worked extensively on that but even if I'm calm and collected he still shuts down. Im typically only angry if I feel like I'm being lied to or if something wasn't adding up. Most of the time I feel like I can communicate calmly. But still that doesn't make it okay and I took steps to correct myself.
Then in November of 2025 I find out he bought an engagement ring because I saw the receipt. I panic because of the trust issues we have and tell him not to propose yet
He insist on still proposing and I can take time to decide and say no if I want to. He ends up not proposing like i asked . We keep trying to make it work and keep up couples counseling.
In 2026 I encourage him to start working again because I'm the only one paying for all the home repairs (which is fair because its my house) but I need to see some more stability financially from him since I expect him to chip in if we intend on getting married. He starts working at a pretty well paying job. He makes like over 7k a month . I ask about his finances and he gets defensive and refuses (even though he knows all of mine) I tell him its hard to take the next step in marriage when I don't know where he stands with that and that he would propose to me but not tell me his savings? He then says he rethought the proposal and wasnt going to ever do it… even though he bought the ring and literally asked my dad for my hand in marriage. I even bring up the conversion where he said he'd just propose still and I could say no if I wanted to .. he said he never remembers saying that.
There's also a lot of silence emotionally. I sit on the porch alone and drink my coffee in the morning I walk my property alone with the dog. I ask to go on hikes or invite him to the gym with me and there's always an excuse why he can't. When I'm in a silly goofy mood and try to joke or be playful with him he's just stoic. I feel incredibly lonely
Now for the good: he really tries his best to accommodate me and issues I tell him about. He's open to trying new things with me that aren't his cup of tea like hiking and kayaking and living in the middle of nowhere with me at my farmhouse. He's very sure and committed to making us work and working on himself. He stopped porn completely and stopped checking out other women. We share similar values in most things. We both want kids and a marriage. He ended his career overseas to relocate to where I am. He's really working on his shutting down and opening up to me more. He's given a ton of sweat equity on my home and sees the shared vision so he works on it like its his own. He's cut back on video games and tries to intentionally spend time with me and go to bed the same time as me. He still wants to work through this in therapy. He makes me laugh and is incredibly smart. We both share the same work background and struggles that we understand each other on. We have so many great memories and a life we've built together. And much more
I'm fully aware I'm a player in this too. My anger issues/ yelling caused him to emotionally withdrawl from me compounded with him being a naturally emotionally withdrawn person. I was very codependent and spent too much energy trying to control him and his actions with porn instead of just enforcing my boundaries and leaving. I've also waaaay over worked emotionally in this relationship for the both of us because of his emotional shutting down so I've learned to step back. Before he would be passive aggressive until I asked him what's wrong and my entire mood would revolve around him. That's changed for the better and let him pout until he figures out why he's upset and brings it up to me.
The past month he's really opened up a lot more emotionally, conversations are flowing more, our disagreement are calm on my end and he shuts down less, he spoils me on dates and buys me little gifts weekly, he cuddles me every morning that he's homes from work (he works out of town mon-thur) he's offered to pitch in on the home renovations financially, he helps around the house without being nagged too, he's on his phone and computer less and initiates walks or outdoor activities he knows I like, he's really intertwined with my family and niece and nephews, he helps my brother in law with their home renovations.. things just seems a little better.
I've learned a lot from this relationship just as he has. I feel we are finally both in much healthier places and this could work but I also feel like so much has happened and I'm worried I'll never trust him like I should. I don't feel emotionally safe and I'm constantly on edge when we are together. I guess I'm just scared we've put in all this work and now I'm leaving when things are just starting to turn a page… he's still insistent that we could make this work and he'll do anything to help me become emotionally safe with him. . what do you think of all of this?