To be honest, its less of one big fuck up and more an accumulation of small mess ups, but I think this was the last straw.
A brief insight of what happened is basically throughout our relationship (its been very rocky tbh, both of our faults, but im the weak link now I guess) we have had issues since the start, none of them really our fault exactly.
We have both been struggling with depression, hers is much more severe, and things have been difficult due to that as well. She recently finished her last year of uni, and moved back home and so we have been doing long distance for the past 2 months.
Throughout our relationship, ive been complacent, incredibly so. I dont know why or what is causing this, but basically I've not managed to show her love in the way she needs, and ive had repeated mess ups . too complicated to explain, but they were never anything big, just annoying and showing a lack of maturity on my side.
I keep on apologising and promising to change, but i never did, or atleast it has been too slow. And I dont know why im like this. I hate it so much that I cant find the strength in me to become the man i want to be and that she needs. My whole life it has been this. I mess up, I apologise and try to change and be better but then i end up falling back to the start and making a mistake again.
And last night we were on the phone and I said smth stupid that was icky, even for me like when I think about it, it cringes the fuck outta me. And basically she pointed that out and I said whatever. But in a harsh and dismissive tone. Thats not how I wanted to say it at all, I know its not a great alternative but I wanted it to sound playful and whatnot, but it came out wrong. And I apologised and explained it to her, but the fact of the matter is, i made her feel disrespected. Im waiting for her to call me to talk things out.
But knowing how many mistakes Ive made and how much ive fucked up, a big part of me expects a break up. I wont be mad about it either, she desrves so much better than the crumbs ive given her, and I want to giver her that, but ive been wholly incapable of that and I hate myself for it.
I guess what i want to ask, is, if she does give me another chance, what do I do to make sure I dont fuck it up. What do I do to remember what she needs from me in terms of love, and so on.
I know its unlikely i will get another chance, but the small, selfish part of me wants to know.
TL;DR I messed up a lot. smth recent might be the last straw. If it isnt, what do I do to make sure I can change and stop making mistakes?