This is gonna be like a vent type thing. I'll probably delete it if it's not helpful to have posted it, for myself or this community.
Husband asked me at some point during the week last week what I wanted to do for mother's day. I jokingly said "oh what, you guys (him/kids) don't have anything planned??" He joked back something about fireworks and a parade or whatever and I decided we'll go to one of my favorite places on the planet, a 100 year old amusement park about an hour's drive away. We haven't gone for about 3 years now and there's free admission for moms that day. I ask the kids, they're down, so he obliges.
I always have to ask if he's going to join us in family activities because about 90% of the time he'll opt out. Anything "fun" is basically not for him. He enjoys museums, world heritage sites, and hiking so we do those, but if it's not those you have to drag him along and he's ready to leave before you get there. Maybe it's the places, maybe it's me, either way we've been married 12 years so I'm used to it.
So the free admission comes with purchase of a full price ticket, we get up to the gate and there's people at a ticket window, an employee seems to be yapping with another employee and they greet us, husband is just standing there behind me like he's lost so I start taking out my wallet, but someone from another window says "I can help someone over here!" so he goes over there, alright then.
Ticket lady says "Hello! Happy mother's day!" because we're obviously a family, I say why thank you. Husband continues transaction, says "so we need two kids tickets, me, and *her*" kinda gestures at me and shrugs…but it was done with such …disdain? vitriol? that it gave all 3 employees pause. I just stared ahead pretty blankly, like "yeah he hates me as much as it seems like he does. plus he doesn't even want to be here, he tolerates this place for the kids and because it's mother's day, we're gonna do our best."
He gets the tickets, and immediately wants us all to wait for him to smoke outside the gate. I said "nah just find us in there." I smoke too, but I can go without, and it's just not even the priority atp, but he's concerned about the ticket situation. I say ok, well you just had a cigarette right before we got here, which is more pushback than I've ever given him about smoking. He's like yeah but we're gonna be in there for hours!!
Years ago when I still gave a fuck this would have sent me into a spiral, but he suddenly seems to hear himself and spits "whatever, let's just go" as the children are running excitedly ahead for the park.
He does his usual silent, "can we leave yet" wet blanket thing but I barely paid attention to his mental state, demeanor, what have you and didn't let it ruin my day this time. 3 years ago it would have. I only wanted him there for the kids and to help with food and bathroom breaks, not for me. Gone are the days I look to him for connection in these moments that are special to me, the days I longed for him to enjoy my company, the days I looked for a shared laugh or returned smile because I always got a blank, impatient stare.
This is a transaction now, and as long as I don't look to him for more it hurts far, far less than all those little micro-rejections. No bids for connection means less disappointment for me.
…but that "and *her*" stuck with me, now that a couple days have passed. It couldn't have been more "and this bitch" and it took me by surprise. I knew he didn't love me, but I didn't know he hated me so much as to gesture to me like he's straight up ashamed of me. He used to proudly introduce me as his wife, but given that was pretty short lived. Then for a while it was just "my wife"…he hasn't introduced me anywhere for years, and I guess now I'm "…🙄 *her.*