I (F, late 20s) just went through a breakup and I’m trying to make sense of everything and would really appreciate outside perspectives.
tl;dr My now ex and I dated briefly as teenagers over 10 years ago, and back then he was honestly really mean to me and hurt me in different ways. We reconnected as adults recently, and he expressed a lot of remorse about how he treated me in the past. He told me he had always liked me, regretted how he acted, and even had things like passwords tied to our old memories. It made me feel like he genuinely cared, so I gave him another chance.
During this relationship, I was financially supporting both of us while he adjusted to moving in with me. He didn’t have a high school diploma or GED, which made it difficult for him to find stable work despite applying to jobs. He also didn’t have savings. I didn’t mind helping for the time being and encouraged him to study for his GED so he could eventually go to trade school. He studied once, but didn’t follow through after that.
I tried to be a very supportive partner overall. I went out of my way to celebrate him for birthdays and special occasions, spent a lot of money on plane tickets so he could visit home, and put effort into learning what he liked so I could surprise him with thoughtful gifts. I really tried to show up for him.
To his credit, he did contribute in some ways. He would cook, clean, help take care of my pet, and drive me places, which I appreciated. I loved spending time with him, our conversations, his presence, and the life we were building together.
But there were ongoing issues that kept coming up.
I found out multiple times that he was looking at porn and other women on social media, even after I had clearly communicated how much this hurt me and affected my self-esteem. It made me feel compared and insecure. At one point, he told me he did it because we weren’t having sex, but honestly, that behavior made me want intimacy even less because I felt uncomfortable in my own body.
He also lied to me about it. For example, I caught him having an app where he claimed he was only using it for sports betting, but when I checked, there were recently saved explicit videos. There were also group chats where he made sexual comments about other women, mentioning how he needed their private areas and wondered what their private areas smelled like. And I also saw him searching for multiple girls on social media across platforms.
Whenever I tried to talk about it, it often felt like he minimized my feelings or avoided the conversation would even say things like, "its not like i'm cheating on you, i would never cheat on you".
There were also moments that felt more serious. During one argument, he pushed me onto the couch during a struggle over something he was holding, and I got hurt (my nail was bleeding). Afterward, he tried to say it wasn’t his fault and that I might have done it to myself, which really affected me.
Another time, when I confronted him while he was at a family event, he barely acknowledged me while I was crying and continued talking to people around him like nothing was happening.
I’ll also own my part, I wasn’t perfect. One time when I was extremely hurt after finding more of this behavior, I reacted badly and cut up some of his clothes and sent him pictures. I immediately regretted it, apologized, and offered to replace everything.
Recently, I found more evidence of the same behavior (comments about other women, saved videos, etc.), and when I confronted him, he initially stayed silent and acted like nothing happened. Later, things escalated in the car, he yelled, hit my seat, and even jumped out of the car while it was moving at one point. I felt scared in that moment.
After that, he sent me a message apologizing and taking some responsibility, but shortly after when he returned home, he broke up with me, packed his things, and left. He also removed me from social media.
What hurts even more is that he left right before a major milestone in my life. I’m about to graduate with my master’s degree, which should be a really happy time for me, but instead I feel heartbroken and distracted.
Now I’m left feeling confused and questioning myself. I loved him and miss his presence, our talks, and the life we were building. But I also feel hurt, disrespected, and insecure from everything that happened.
I keep wondering:
- Was I asking for too much regarding porn and boundaries?
- Did my reaction (like the clothes incident) push him away?
- Why would someone apologize and then leave right after?
- Is this something I could have fixed if I handled things differently?
I also feel scared that I won’t find someone who will love me properly or that I’ll keep ending up in situations like this.
I’d really appreciate honest perspectives.