Hi all. This is long, sorry in advance.
Throwaway username obviously and I had to rewrite this a couple of times to fit the sub rules. But I'm a bit allover the place right now so forgive me.
My husband and I have been together 15 years, married most of that time, with two children. Overall we’ve built a pretty solid life together. We both work full time in demanding jobs, parent equally, and have been through a lot as a couple.
Early in our relationship, I had an emotional affair. We nearly split up over it, but instead did over a year of counseling and genuinely rebuilt our marriage. I think that history is partly why I’m struggling so much with how I feel now.
This past weekend my husband went out drinking with friends. He doesn’t drink often, but when he does he tends to go way too hard and becomes irresponsible. Normally I just roll my eyes and make sure he gets home safe, but this time he never came home at all. I had an early shift the next morning, couldn’t reach him, couldn’t reach his friends, and genuinely thought something bad had happened.
At around 7am he finally came home, completely incoherent. Later that morning he texted apologising and saying he “couldn’t believe what he’d done.”
It turns out he had bumped into an old friend/coworker of mine while out. She had actually messaged me during the night with a photo of the two of them saying “look who I bumped into!” so initially I thought nothing of it.
But later I realised his location had shown him at a hotel for several hours.
When I confronted him, at first he said he couldn’t remember much, only that he woke up beside her in bed without pants on and panicked and left. He said he genuinely didn’t know if they had sex or not.
I messaged her calmly the next day asking directly whether anything physical had happened. She denied it repeatedly and said they had only talked because he was very drunk. I explained that he had admitted waking up in her bed without pants on and that his location showed him at her hotel for hours, but she continued insisting nothing happened.
Over the next couple of days my husband remembered more details. He now says they did start having sex, but he stopped it. He’s been extremely emotional since then, booked counseling himself immediately, and says he hates what he’s done. So now I’m stuck in this weird emotional place. And what’s made this harder is that my husband has since admitted they did start having sex before he stopped it, which means one of them is still being dishonest about what happened
I’m angry, obviously. But I’m also exhausted and strangely numb. I’ve already been dealing with unrelated family stress involving my sibling, and this feels like the final thing my brain can process right now.
The biggest thing I’m struggling with is the other woman continuing to deny anything happened at all, despite my husband now admitting it did. We all work for the same company in different departments/cities, and I know from past experience she can be reactive and vindictive when cornered.
Part of me wants to message her husband and simply tell him what I now know, with whatever proof I have, and let him decide what to do with that information. Another part of me wonders if that would just create more chaos while I’m already emotionally burnt out.
For people who’ve been through infidelity, especially messy situations involving mutual friends/coworkers:
Did confronting the other person help or make things worse?
I’m less looking for “leave him” or “stay with him” answers, and more trying to understand how people navigated the emotional fallout and practical next steps.
Edited- to take out the questions of reconciliation. I too was forgiven a long time ago and as a redditor pointed out, this is karma. I love my husband for better and worse. As he does me, so there isn't a chance of us not reconciling or working through this. It's more about whether I confront her again or let her husband know or just let sleeping dogs lie