I, 55 (M) have been married for 26 years to my wife 54 (F). We’ve got a beautiful home, amazing kids, great careers and a solid relationship…..except for one thing.
She doesn’t “desire” me in any way, shape or form. This has gone on for years. We do share intimacy on average once a week, but she never initiates.
As a result, our bedroom activities come off to me as her fulfilling an obligation; rather than her wanting to participate.
I’ve told her how I feel unwanted; not desired etc. Her reasoning is a recent health issue and menopause.
Truthfully, this feeling has been in existence for 10 years….but I never wanted to make an issue out of it because we had younger/active kids at the time, which can suck up all your energy. Because our lives were so hectic, I just powered through the feelings I had without making waves. I get menopause is tough and any health issue can be taxing, but this feeling started way before either of these challenges.
But now that we are nearing the empty nest portion of our lives, we should be able to find more quality time and it’s not happening.
FWIW, I’m a husband who does all laundry; all bathroom cleaning; 90% of grocery shopping and more often than not handle cooking or picking up dinner. I also do yard work and empty/load the dishwasher at least half the time. With our busy life, we try to have a night out once a month but do little things like walks at least weekly. I say the above as inevitably any commenters will think that she isn’t getting help from me….which is not the case.
In short, I try to pull more than my fair share of household duties so that she isn’t overwhelmed. Sadly, I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated.
I’ve put on some weight over the years, and have recently made lifestyle changes and lost 30 lbs….but need to lose 30 more. On some levels, I have some blame here for not taking care of myself as well as I should have. Did I extinguish her flame?
With this weight loss, I’m starting to feel better about myself and perhaps more “desirable” but it hasn’t impacted my wife in any way. Giving me affection is still just something she checks off her “to do” list.
Sorry for all the rambling, but despite all that is right in my world; this feeling of not being desirable to my wife is consuming me. Meanwhile, my attraction to her has never wavered and I have never stopped telling her how beautiful she is. Unfortunately, It’s a one way street….
Any suggestions, on how to address this issue…outside of communication? I’ve expressed my feelings over and over….it doesn’t change anything. If I keep pushing the communication, I’m afraid I’ll make the physical disconnect worse.
I know she loves me, but am I a love of convenience, comfort and safety? I miss the passion that once was a part of our marriage.
How do I fix this?