Preface: Honest and brutal response is good (not that I won’t be upset reading it but regardless it’s necessary 😔) I’m trying to be neutral about how I present this story because I want clear answers, but take it as you will.
Context: Essentially, bf and I have been together 1 year only 3 months in person living together. We have been long distance for almost 9 months before I moved country to be with him. Our age gap has seldom been an issue but in this instance I feel it was used to slight me. I feel that I wrecked the relationship and he’s treating me differently whether subconscious or not. I am a bit neurotic do not come from a great upbringing and have a tendency to be explosive when I’m angry. My boyfriend also came from a bad upbringing but he’s more passive than me. Where I am explosive he is passive aggressive when he’s angry. He internalizes, and overall is more patient than me. Nobody has any substance abuse issues, or children. We rent he pays and takes care of 90% of expenses and treats me relatively well.
The Catalyst: I flew off the chains and had a very demoralizing episode in front of my bf. Not my proudest moment, and not something I’ve done before. It surprised me even. I yelled, screamed and threatened my own life. I am aware that those things are wrong, and that it’s damaging for my partner and relationship. In no way am I excusing the behaviour but around my time of the month I tend to have EXTREME emotions that feel scary and uncontrollable for me. This month was extremely bad. I am also 8 months out from a surgery that completely changed my quality of life and physical appearance. Nevertheless I feel guilty for what I did to him.
Days afterwards we had a discussion and I apologized profusely and swore I would never do that again. He seemed relieved afterwards and just explained he was terrified and shocked and didn’t know what to make of me. Said He still loves me the same etc.
The issue: Deep down I feel insecure that I ruined this newer relationship because about a week later we were talking about marriage and I asked a loaded question.
I said “do you think I’m ready to be a wife?”
He said “I think you think you are more ready than you think you are.”
I was hurt and still am by that comment. In retrospect I understand why it was said and I can’t argue with it.
However I am absolutely petrified he sees me differently now, and has been treating me different in return. He told me in a more recent conversation that he still sees me as the one he wants and that won’t change. He wants to work towards something better and not to rush anything. I do agree with him. But I question whether he is just saying that and maybe he deep down feels different.
He tells me I need to seek help and I somewhat agree. I feel as though I fractured the image of myself he had and now he won’t ever consider a long term future even though that’s not what his words were to me.
I also may not be able to have children from the surgery I had and my bf reassures me that it doesn’t bother him, but I feel like a disappointment. Someone I love tells me I’m not ready for marriage and knowing my chance of fertility is decreased by 50%….
What ways have you been able to recover your relationship?
If your partner starts treating you differently, colder or less patient what do you do?
Do I need to prove myself in some way, or is this relationship heading in a bad direction?
Do men change their view on their partner differently than how women process things? If he’s telling me something to appease me, does it mean he might be pulling away from me being forever, and just his right now?
Thanks all.