Good evening,
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend (M24 / F26) for almost 3 years now.
Like many couples, we had a honeymoon phase, and then quite abruptly, our sex life drastically declined.
On my side, I think I have a higher-than-average libido, sex genuinely fascinates me. For my partner, even though she enjoys it, she can easily go a week without it. Her sexuality has changed a lot, mainly due to mental and physical load from work, as well as family health issues. She has also gone through very traumatic experiences in past relationships.
We are in love, but this decrease in intimacy has affected me so much mentally that it has become the main issue in our relationship.
This shift happened about a year ago, with a lot of tension around it. She wasn’t showing sexual desire toward me, and sometimes we would go up to two weeks without sex (our longest stretch).
After many discussions, questioning the relationship, and a lot of sadness, she started seeing a sex therapist about two months ago. Now, we have sex on average once a week, but it can still be 1.5 weeks without anything. On the other hand, when we have a long weekend and no activities, we might have sex twice over three days.
I’ve noticed that when we don’t have sex, I start emotionally distancing myself. It usually begins around day 3, and by day 5 I become almost closed off to affection and physical touch. I feel empty, not just in the relationship, but in other areas of my life as well.
At the beginning of this issue (about a year ago), I was very, probably too demanding. I’ve learned to tone it down and not put pressure on her. Despite that effort, it still weighs heavily on me. I’ve learned to respect her boundaries, but mine can’t really be met, because obviously she shouldn’t force herself, I would notice, and it would end up being harmful for both of us.
Even with my high libido, I think I’d feel okay with about two times a week, which is clearly not our current situation.
So lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about breaking up. Our relationship is beautiful, and we grow together. When it comes to sex, I see that we’re both making efforts, but I also realize I might be holding onto the hope that her sexuality will “go back” to how it was at the beginning. Deep down, I kind of know that won’t happen.
I also know that she wants children in the future, and given our current level of intimacy, I am EXTREMLY reluctant about the idea of having a child with her, especially when I read things about “dead bedrooms.”
The idea of breaking up makes me very sad, but at the same time it brings a sense of relief. I think about having more freedom ( or at least not feeling that emptiness anymore ), possibly meeting someone whose sexuality is more aligned with mine.
What hurts me is that I see she’s making efforts, especially by going to therapy, and I feel like I’d be a bad person for leaving. I also wonder if we break up, and she eventually changes, whether I’ll have ruined something that was truly beautiful.
I’m hoping to gain some perspective, thank you to anyone who took the time to read and respond.
**TL;DR;** : our libido are different, we make effort so it fit to both of us, i don't know if I can continue.